yep, i'm still alive. just been busy doing nothing at home. sigh.
this entry is just for my personal tracking.
saturday: valley fair with peter and alan
sunday: nothing
monday: nothing
tuesday: dinner with A
wednesday: _house of flying daggers_ (by myself, i have to add)
thursday: paul's white elephant party
friday: jay's xmas even dinner
saturday: heat vs. lakers
sunday: brunch with jeremy and kate
monday: monterey aquarium with the walshes and blanchards
tuesday: dropping off alan and ting at the airport, *sniff*
wednesday: _closer_ (again, alone), dinner with jeremy and kate
thursday: lunch with benboy
just listing out what (little) i did during the break.
i'm lonely.
and i'm bored.
and i am petrified about going to work again. i have gotten really lazy. oh, and i am not sleeping very well. insomnia plus early waking hours (due to the haldol light sensitivity shit) makes for a terrible time in bed.
anyways, have a safe and happy new year!
well, last night's OC put a smile on my face. a christmukkah miracle happened!
so, this is my last blog entry from work for 2004. it's been a rather uneventful year, in my opinion. nothing much happened, and i have to admit that i was unhappy for most of it. my tourette's came back full force in march, and i hated work at gfn, and now i'm getting panic attacks and still hate my job, even though i changed companies.
but whatever. i'm out for two weeks, and i welcome the rest and relaxation and even boredom. i've got a christmas eve dinner party to go to, and a white elephant gift exchange, but other than that, i have nothing planned. i don't even know who else (besides A) is going to be around.
i actually quite dislike the holidays. so much happiness and cheer sort of grosses me out. did i tell you guys that i was a total grinch this year, and i announced that i wasn't going to give out any gifts? yup, i did that, so i won't even be receiving any gifts this year. :( it's my fault, totally, as i was just too lazy to go out and buy people stuff.
sigh. another year come and gone. i feel like i'm wandering aimlessly about in my life, not sure of what i want to do with it.
hopefully next year will be better. but, i'm getting tired of saying that.
so i've decided that today i'm going to start my anti-wheat diet. it's going to be tough to do. the good thing is that i at least get to have rice, otherwise i'd be carb-crashing all over the place. my doctor said that this diet will make me feel like crap for 1-2 weeks, so i might as well do it over break and get the bad spell over with.
this is a depressing entry, isn't it?
anyways... i hope all of you out there have a safe and happy holidays. don't do anything stupid! and behave yourselves! :)
senioritis is kicking in hard. the end of the year is almost here!
a group of us went to see _ocean's twelve_ a while back. it was pretty bad, despite getting a good review from ebert. i thought it was rather scattershot, not very coherent at all.
not much going on today. the place is buzzing with anticipation of the shutdown, and it seems no one wants to do a lot of work beforehand.
i think i look pretty thin and gaunt these days. i guess losing nearly 50 pounds will do that to you, huh? while at adam's house last night, i kept looking at myself in the mirror in his kitchen, and i was sort of shocked at how skinny my face looks now.
it feels like a friday. but it isn't.
just got a call from my chironeuro. the food allergy tests came back last week, and apparently i'm allergic to wheat. so in order to fully implement a new diet (which he says needs to last for six MONTHS), i'm supposed to avoid all wheat!?! what the fuck? no bread, no pasta? that's almost totally impossible for a guy like me who doesn't cook. hm. i'm gonna have to think about this one carefully. how the hell am i going to do this diet?
anyways...
last night i had a dream about some people who were keeping a severed head in a safe in the wall. kind of gross and icky. i even got to see the head in my dreams, and it was all stuffed with pins in it and all. nasty shit. i wonder what caused that dream; i haven't seen anything gruesome on tv or anything.
the OC is on tonight! i hope it's got more to do with the kids than the silly lawsuit drama that the adults are going through.
*sigh* i feel like i'm in a huge rut. i'm not being very social, and friendly interaction is hard to come by. that makes me rather lethargic and listless, and it spirals downward by me wanting to sleep all the time. i think my body is atrophying from the lack of exercise (i stopped playing basketball for a month now). what to do, what to do...
anyways, tomorrow is friday. yippee. i'm not sure how much blogging i'm going to be doing during the break; typing on my iMac at home just doesn't seem very pleasurable to me, not to mention the fact that nothing really goes on in my life to report to you guys. :/
but anyways, to all of you out there, have a good day!
for lunch today, we picked up burritos at la bamba and headed over to the google campus's eating area. google looks like a fun, young company, although i didn't see many asian people there. either way, their campus seemed very nice, and i briefly thought about working there. ha! (as if they would have any use for my hardware design skills.)
and the whole time, i was picturing the fact that everyone i saw at the google dining area was a millionaire. lucky fucking bastards.
senioritis is kicking in pretty hard at this company due to the impending shutdown. i am still worried about a few things, though, like 1) the inevitable hard work that i'll have to put in after the break and 2) being bored during the break itself and 3) the fact that this is the only long break i'll get in a very long time, perhaps until next christmas.
tempted to go home now. i have dinner plans tonight with fellow stanfordites and bloggers adam, yuji, and cindy. adam's making food at his place, and i hope to have some good social interaction there.
somebody called me "cute" today. that's a spirit-lifter, i'll tell you. i've mentioned before how i think girls HATE to be called "cute." like, one time i got into a huge fight (HUGE) with k2 because i told her she was "cute" vs. "pretty."
but the way i see it, "cute" is so much better than "pretty." the latter is generic; anybody can just be pretty. but "cute" is something special, something extraordinary, and i think it surpasses "pretty" as a compliment. maybe i'm smoking crack here, but that's just how i feel.
A and i are still talking, so far. i am still sort of smarting over the failure of making any progress with her, because as far as i know, we both liked each other at some point in time. it's a damn fucking shame when that happens and *nothing* happens. a shame, i say!
anyways, i hope to see her a lot over the break. not because i want to pursue her or anything, but because she's the only person i know who will have the next two weeks off. without her, i think i'd be doing a lot of lonely lounging at my place. so yeah, i am going to make some plans with her, and i hope we're both OK with things not being too weird or anything.
i've been reducing my haldol dosage to see if this light sensitivity thing gets better. i've been going to be at 9pm every night simply because i wake up every morning at 7:00 (when the sun rises). it's so annoying to just lie there in bed for a few hours, not being able to sleep. and no, i'm not going to get up, either!
ok, that's it for me today. toodles!
been feeling listless today. not unlike other days, i suppose, but the impending two-week break is giving me a serious case of senioritis.
what bothers me, though, is that i'm banking too much on this break, and after that, it's a whole long stretch of work ahead. i'm worried about that, i.e. the idea of working for a long time without a break. sigh. it looks bleak after december is over.
so! anyone travelling for the holidays? anyone going to be around here? i guess i'm going to have to occupy myself for a long time. if anyone is going to be around and free, i'll be sure to get in touch with you so we can hang out.
anyways, _scrubs_ is a repeat tonight, so i can skip that and go to bed early. ah, sleep... *bliss*
i've made the decision to cut down on my haldol dosage to see if it'll make me less sensitive to light. i don't know how i do it (i.e. i don't get bored or restless), but waking up at 7:00am every day but not getting out to bed hours later is sort of a drag. i bet my body is atrophying as we speak; i spend my days either sitting in a chair or lying down.
a weird thing happened today after lunch. i was with a coworker, and after we ate, we just drove all the way to mountain view, made a u-turn and drove back. seems like this dude likes to delay his return to work, for which i can't blame him. :/
that's the thing about this company. no one seems to be happy, to be excited to work. there's a lot of negativity, and it just weighs me down.
i'm back to doing this silly chironeuro exercise where i wear my old glasses, but part of my view is obstructed by a piece of paper taped to the lens. this time, i'm blocking off the left side of my left eye, and it wouldn't be so bad if i didn't have to do it for TWO hours a day! and seeing as how i can't do this at work, i'm relegated to doing this after work, which sucks most of my night in 1.5-eyed vision.
anyways... i'm still feeling a bit bummed out about A; hopefully i'll get over it soon enough.
well, a bomb got dropped on me yesterday. it turns out A is seeing someone.
man, that sure as hell sucks. i mean, i've only hung out with her four times, but it was under my assumption that she was single! yuck. i hate it when stuff like this happens (it's happened to me before, obviously).
i mean, i think she's cool, and she has been growing on me, so this is a total setback. damn, and i was beginning to think that there could be something between us.
so now what? i think that's what's bugging me now. in fact, upon finding out her relationship status, i got hit with yet another panic attack yesterday and had to go home early. *sigh*
anyways, don't worry. i'll be ok. it'll just take a wee bit longer to get over this.
didn't do much this weekend, especially on friday night and saturday.
let's see here... saturday was spent resting up; i did take a stroll down university ave, to border books looking for this intestinal health book that my chiro neuro recommend i read; it turns out that i'm allergic to wheat, and he thinks it has a large part in promoting my tourette's. quack medicine? i'm beginning to think so.
alan and ting were in oakland and moraga that day, so i didn't see them. sigh. i miss my roommates!
sunday, i had lunch with jay and margaret at stacks. then, we went to the stanford mall a bit; brookstone has a bunch of useless shit!
then, i had dinner with alan and ting at pho to chau. and then i got some pearl milk tea afterwards and headed up to bed.
see? very boring weekend. and i'm starting to fret about how little stuff i have planned during my two week christmas shutdown. maybe i should go to LA or something and visit some friends. then again, maybe not. we'll see.
oh, about my insomnia. it seems that certain (alternating) nights, i can't fall asleep at all. maybe it's because i take so many naps, but this insomnia is really annoying. sleep is the only bastion of peace and goodness i have, so without it, i feel lost. sigh.
my car is infested with ants! ?? how did that happen? shit. i got in my car this morning to drive to work, and i noticed a whole trail of them on the dash. *RAAR* how gross is that?
i think i for a grand total of 4 hours of sleep last night. for some reason, i was either 1) suffering from insomnia or 2) dreaming that i couldn't go to sleep. either way, it sucked. big time.
i have a meeting with my chiro neuro at 3pm today. i wonder what hokey exercises he'll be asking me to do this time. one of them that i'm currently on is staring at my left thumb while spinning counterclockwise in a chair for six revolutions. ha!
i have absolutely no plans this weekend. aside from watching the stanford men's basketball team get plastered by michigan state on saturday afternoon. when grunfeld's the team's leading scorer, you know something's wrong with the team. sigh. after last year's near-perfect regular season, anything would be a letdown this year. i miss matt lottich and justin davis!
anyways, it's amazing to think that these are *kids* playing. i mean, late teenagers and early 20-somethings! i feel so old when i think about college athletics.
sigh. no meeting up with A this weekend. i kind of feel like this is starting to be a regular thing, so i look forward to hanging out with her every week. maybe next week then...
so next week is the last workweek of the year for me. yup, i get a two-week (unpaid though) shutdown! woo-hoo! i can sleep in as much as i want for two whole weeks!
lately, i've had this annoying habit of waking up at night, rolling over, and looking at the time to see how much sleep i have left. it's really stressful, especially when it gets close to the time i need to get out of bed. like, in the back of my mind, i keep track of how much dozing i can do before the inevitable. terrible.
i don't know how much blogging i'll be doing during the shutdown, though. so be patient, my dear darling pup readers.
this year, i'm really not feeling the christmas spirit. the thought of going to the mall to look presents for my close friends sort of stresses me out. so i think i'm going to take it easy and just hand out amazon.com gift certificates. they're easy, and i can do it all on the web. lame, i know, but i simply don't know what my friends want!
bah humbug.
hm. i'm supposed to go up to burlingame for mallory's birthday dinner (straits cafe), but i'm not feeling up for it. maybe i'll bail, although i will be sacrificing some friend karma there.
these days, i just look forward to sleep. on a side note, though, i had a dream about k2 last night, which is odd because i never dream about her.
poor parker posey. i like her. (after all, she *is* on my list of nubiles.) i dig her. she's cute. but she got stuck with an impossible role in _blade trinity_ as one of the main bad guys (i.e. a vampire). i wonder why ms. independent film woman agreed to do such a bad role in this mainstrain movie.
so it turns out i had panic attack number 10 yesterday afteroon. but it wasn't too bad because i took my medication early, and that managed to stave off the intolerable restlessness that usually comes with the attacks. instead, i just chewed up my medication (which tasted like shit), went home, and fell asleep. *claps* yay for effective meds!
it seems that my panic attacks are brought about by the slighest rise in my stress level. which doesn't bode well for me, because i foresee a lot of stress in the coming months at work. so we'll see what happens. *crossed fingers*
clockwatching already. like i said, these days, the only thing i look forward to (besides a few tv shows) is sleep. few other things make me happy. and i wonder when i'm going to get out of this rut.
i had the driest (is that how you spell it? it looks weird) chicken sandwich today at the company cafeteria. it was SO dry that i had to grab a drink to wash it down. and if you know me, you'll know that i rarely ever have a drink with my meal, that's how dry it was! *pukes*
my stock options at my company are already underwater. blech.
anyways, i still haven't figured out what i'm doing for the two week vacation i have coming up. i talked earlier about going to taiwan, but i don't think i'm up for doing that; travelling is just too tiring, and like i said, i won't even have my passport with me. i'm thinking about visiting LA to see multiple people (my brother, my cousins, emi and shoji, dave and carolyn, alex), but i don't know if they'll be free or not.
i don't like LA. it's an urban sprawl, complete with bad traffic at any time of the day, nasty smog that makes my throat itch, etc.
i think i'm going to instigate a "no presents" pact with my roommate and other close friends this year. i dunno, i'm just not in the mood to buy people things that they never wanted in the first place. plus, i'm too lazy to figure out what they *really* want in the first place. gosh, i really don't have the christmas spirit in me, huh?
yup. i'm just a scrooge. bah humbug!
i recently saw _blade trinity_. it sucked pretty badly. the lines were corny, the acting was pretty bad... all in all, a pretty shitty flick.
the weather here of late has been rainy and cloudy. it reminds me of when i was back in school, and i had to bike through the mess, getting bike butt and all that. i should have installed a rear fender on my bike, but i never got around to it. bike butt...
my friend is IM'ing me that she met william hung. ha! i can't believe his 15 minutes of fame hasn't run out yet. apparently, he's promoting a new album, _hung for the holidays_.
i haven't decided if i'm going to follow this season's _american idol_. i was idol immune for the first two seasons, but it totally sucked me in the third time around. if you remember, i was totally rooting for john stevens, but that latin episode really fucked him up. chocolate and an onion.
i feel a panic attack coming. maybe it'll hit tonight, not sure. at least i'm prepared, armed with 0.5mg of xanax. during my last one, i chewed the meds up in my mouth before swallowing; it tasted like shit, but it acted pretty fast.
i'm definitely (totally) looking forward to the winter shutdown here at the company. two weeks of vacation! (it'll be unpaid, though.) i think it'll be quite a refreshing break from the grind. not sure what i'm going to be doing, though; i don't think any of my friends are going to have those days off, so i'll be stuck by my lonesome, i bet.
i would go to taiwan to visit my folks, but there are a few problems with that. for one, i can't stand the long flight(s), and two, i don't have a passport right now (it's getting renewed).
ok, that's it from me today. short, i know. but hey, man. take what you can get!
as my friend aileen would say, "tuesdays can suck it." i mean, i'm not having a *bad* tuesday per se, but, being the second day of the week inherent makes it suck.
at least there's _scrubs_ on tonight, albeit late. yes, 9:30 is late for me, because of my "new" sleep schedule. i have been waking up at 7:30 or so every morning, and i have found myself unable to get back to sleep.
i resolve to start doing some coding (modifications) tomorrow. right now, i am sort of paralyzed by the amount of work i have to do. plus, i'm unfamiliar with how the blocks work, so that is providing me some added stress.
today is k1's 30th birthday. for your information.
i think i burned my tongue on the tofu soup i had today. i don't understand why korean food is sometimes served in flaming hot iron bowls. i mean, it's good to keep the food hot, but it makes for an unpleasant eating experience!
i want to see _closer_. i don't know if natalie portman gets naked in it, but if she does (she plays a stripper), then that's just a bonus i'll gladly live with.
hmmm... what else to say today. every morning, i wake up refreshed from my 12+ hours of lying in bed, and i say to myself, "today is the day that i'm going to kick some ass at work." however, after i go through my morning routine at work (checking e-mail, reading blogs, looking up espn.com), that motivation has vanished. dammit! if only i could somehow bottle that up the use it later on in the day.
i think it's somewhat odd that i remember first kisses, and that i don't always remember the first sex. you'd think that sex would be more emotionally weighty than the kiss, right? but it isn't so for me; i remember the kisses much more poignantly. those moments are etched deeply in my memory, while the sex parts are just hazy blurs for the most part.
i guess it's because kisses have so much anticipation building up. not to say that sex isn't instilled with anticipation, but it's sometimes very spontaneous, and before you know it, you're having sex! but first kisses... there's so much tension building up before the moment that i guess it's more intense of a memory.
anyways, i'm daydreaming now, as you might be able to tell.
i'm trying to gain weight these days. i'm below 160 now, and i make a concerted effort to finish my meals. how weird, because i used to be able to finish almost any amount of food put before me, but these days, i've been hitting a wall. food becomes a chore, and i don't know what i can do do increase my appetite. maybe i should smoke some pot and get the munchies that way, hehe.
ok, that's it for today. toodles!
i passed 200,000 hits today at track15.com.
that is all i have to say. i mean, for those of you who have been following me and my writing, i want to thank you for reading. i know my writing (in both quality and quantity) has totally gone downhill, so i just want to thank you for sticking around through the bad times as well as the good.
*genuflects*
sigh. it's monday again. once i rolled into the office, i was called into a meeting with some of my team members. basically, the gist of it was the fact that this troublesome (i.e. difficult) block was not going away, and that i would have to do it. arrrgh. they TEASED me into believing that the feature could be removed! so now i'm bummed and stressed, to say the least.
the weather outside is cold and windy. i hate it. i mean, if i were at home and safe it would be one thing, but taking my breaks outside has become very uncomfortable. AND, it's supposed to rain hard in the next 24 hours or so. yuck. i hate the rain.
dallas plays seattle today. given that the last time the cowboys played was thanksgiving day, i expect them to put up a good fight. if not, i'll be very disappointed.
work work work. i don't know when i started to hate working, but i think it happened sometime this year. before that, i didn't mind; i actually enjoyed coding. but i think that after i came here to my current company, the enjoyment level fell precipitously. it's most likely due to the fact that i have to modify existing code (which i'm terrible at), which causes so much stress that i get panic attacks. *RAAR*
anyone out there also get panic attacks? it sucks, doesn't it? especially when lying down/sleeping does no good, and the only thing that results is squirming and freaking out in bed. luckily, i'm fortunate enough to have a medication that seems to do well in combatting them, or else life would truly suck.
anyhow, i'd like to rip van winkle my way through the next two months or so, when all my work will be supposedly be done and i can relax again. in the meantime, every day is a stressful day. *sobs*
anyone, i got a google phrase that was something like, "how donkey and dragon have sex." in case you didn't know what they were talking about, they're referring to the characters from _shrek_ and its sequel. but it's true! i've wondered about that myself. i mean, given the size differential, i doubt the dragon would feel anything when donkey starts poking her. she's like 50 times bigger! yup, donkey would be more like a tampon (size-wise) than a lover.
happy birthday mallory!
happy birthday nicole!
yup, there are two birthdays today. and i also just found out that my drawmate matt just had a baby named kate, whose birthday is the same day as mine! congratulations to matt and his wife!
wow. it's hard to believe that my friends are having kids. it seems so FAR away for me. of course, i have to find a girl first, but still... i don't think i'm anywhere mature enough to produce offspring. they should have classes that teach you to take care of babies.
despite coming from stanford, i do root for cal (and any other pac-10 team) when they're not playing my alma mater. because of this, i am very upset that cal didn't get invited to the rose bowl. *grumbles* stupid BCS. if you didn't know, cal was all set to go to the rose bowl, but they BCS bumped them down to #5, with #4 texas slipping in and getting the invite instead. i think that's totally bogus.
anyways. off to do some more compiling.
so friday night, the some members of the bowling gang took me out to this cuban restaurant in downtown SJ. the food was pretty good, and my favorite was the oxtail (yes, it's beef) even though it wasn't as tender as it could have been. i had a guava/champagne drink! i did feel bad that they paid for me because the meal wasn't cheap, and my birthday was more than a week ago.
saturday, i took a nice nostalgic stroll around stanford campus. i started in the quad and made it to tresidder union, where they were having a craft faire. there was acapella singing, some random people juggling... it was just a great atmosphere as i enjoyed my jamba juice and banana nutella crepe. i miss stanford.
later on that night, i met up with A at totoro for dinner. i like seeing her, even though it's once a week and i feel like seeing her more often. she's quite an active girl, with her piano teaching, spinning classes, and skiing adventures; it makes me feel like an lazy ass for being such a homebody.
sunday, i didn't do much at all. watched some football games, had dinner with peter at boston market (chicken pot pie!). the thing was, though, i had a panic attack (my ninth), and i sensed it coming even. i took two xanax, but they didn't work, as i was still freaking out in my bed. afterwards, i couldn't take it anymore, so i took yet another xanax pill, but this time chewing it up (it tasted horrible) to speed up the process. and what do you know... it worked, and i fell asleep.
so all in all, a decent weekend, although it ended in a bad way. man, i have got to find a way to prevent these panic attacks. sigh.
well, i had panic attack number 8 yesterday afternoon. i'm beginning to wonder if basketball has anything to do with it, because after i exercise, i feel all jittery and stuff. i went home at 3 and just slept.
i did, however, feel good enough to have dinner with the yujster at our venue of choice, ryowa ramen. i even bumped into grace there! she and yuji turned out to have some friends in common. small world, it is.
i am not doing well these days. work is dragging me down. every morning, though, i feel refreshed and gung ho about getting some shit done at the office, but by the time i get there, the spur of motivation is gone, and i'm depressed again.
tonight, some of the bowling gang are meeting up to have cuban food. hm. i've never had cuban food before (does mango cafe count? *shrug*), so my interest is piqued.
anyways, i am starting to dislike _the OC_. all these new characters they put on the show seem boring and plain, and i miss the seth/summer/anna love triangle. i just hope they bring back anna stern (samaire armstrong) for a few episodes at least. she had spunk, at least.
sigh. no roommates this weekend. they're off to wisconsin for ting's cousin's wedding, and i'm off to fend for myself socially. i do, however, have tentative plans to meet up with A tomorrow night for dinner, so we'll see what happens there.
i miss my family. right now, my parents are in taiwan. i worry for my mother's health, just as she does for me. both of us are nervous, anxiety-laden people, and coincidentally, we both take xanax for our panic attacks. but knowing what such an attack does to me, i am very worried about my mother going through them herself.
i added another item to the list of things i carry around in my pockets. i now carry around this pillbox (from the gap, of all places) that contains two 0.25mg of xanax. yup, my medication is mobile now!
i miss laughing. i don't think i've had a good hearty laugh in months. where is the humor?
anyways, these days i just want to lie in bed. too bad i still can't sleep when it's light outside, so i spend much of the time just dozing and cuddling, which isn't so bad in and of itself. my roommates know how much i love lying down on the living room futon, so for my birthday, they got me a nice blue soft down comforter just for those occasions. *touched*
anyhow, another week has come and gone. i hope all of you out there are doing well. *cheer*
happy friday!
so i did a major thing to my room yesterday afternoon: i opened the heating vents in my room.
yes, i like it cold. yes, i had previously turned off the heating vents. yes, i sleep with the windows open.
but even *i* can't bear the brunt of the cold winter any longer! when i step out of my shower (yes, i am naked), i start shivering madly. and my cold blankets (all three layers of them) are fucking FREEZING.
so no more of that. i had embraced warmth, something which i thought would never happen.
but still, my windows are just slightly ajar, so at least i don't burn up at night.
ok, that is all i have to say. toodles!
sorry i didn't write yesterday, folks. in the middle of an afternoon meeting, i got a full-blown panic attack. so i told my boss i was sick and went home at 3:30. luckily, though, this time i have medication to fight these panics. so i took some xanax, and it put me to sleep in about half an hour. i stayed in bed from 4:00pm to this morning, over 20+ hours of being in bed!
this is my seventh panic attack in a few weeks. yes, a red flag is being raised, and i continue to ignore it by trying to work. this can't go on forever, i know, and i have to do something about it soon. but i need an income. what a quandary!
anyways, i woke up last night to try to try to watch _scrubs_, but it wasn't on. instead, it was this reality show, _the biggest loser_, about a contest to see who could lose the most weight. man, i should have been on there... i'm nearing 150, which means i've lost about *50* pounds!
this weight loss is sort of alarming itself. i don't think i'm "dieting" healthily, and my appetite is noticeably nonexistent these days. eating has become a true chore, since either 1) i'm at the company cafeteria and the food is bad or 2) i'm eating alone, thus not enjoying the experience.
anyways, i feel a bit out of place these days. i don't think i belong at this company, but i'm too damn lazy to find another job. and besides, the other job could be just as bad, if not worse. so i'm confused. i don't know where i should be right now.
back to the panic attack i had yesterday. it's always stress-induced, and the fact that i can't sit through a simple meeting without freaking out scares me. hell, the whole job itself scares me, not because i can't do it, but because i'm *scared* to do it. weird, huh?
oh well. life goes on, doesn't it? i just wish i were inspired to go out and find my true calling, because chip design ain't it for me. but where to go... what to do...
i sound like i'm in a mid-life crisis or something. phooey. i'm only 29! that's another thing that bugs me... i go to see these doctors and chiropractors and stuff, and most of the patients there are much older than i am. it's like i don't belong there, and that bums me out. i'm too young to be going through this shit!
i miss my family. it was sort of depressing because while i was in dallas, my parents took me to their banks and put me on the authorization list to access their safety deposit boxes. you know, just in case something happens to them. that depressed me, because i realize that my time with my parents are limited, i.e. they won't live forever. it was a stark realization of their (and our) impending mortality. sad sad sad.
i need a big hug.