so i did a major thing to my room yesterday afternoon: i opened the heating vents in my room.
yes, i like it cold. yes, i had previously turned off the heating vents. yes, i sleep with the windows open.
but even *i* can't bear the brunt of the cold winter any longer! when i step out of my shower (yes, i am naked), i start shivering madly. and my cold blankets (all three layers of them) are fucking FREEZING.
so no more of that. i had embraced warmth, something which i thought would never happen.
but still, my windows are just slightly ajar, so at least i don't burn up at night.
ok, that is all i have to say. toodles!
sorry i didn't write yesterday, folks. in the middle of an afternoon meeting, i got a full-blown panic attack. so i told my boss i was sick and went home at 3:30. luckily, though, this time i have medication to fight these panics. so i took some xanax, and it put me to sleep in about half an hour. i stayed in bed from 4:00pm to this morning, over 20+ hours of being in bed!
this is my seventh panic attack in a few weeks. yes, a red flag is being raised, and i continue to ignore it by trying to work. this can't go on forever, i know, and i have to do something about it soon. but i need an income. what a quandary!
anyways, i woke up last night to try to try to watch _scrubs_, but it wasn't on. instead, it was this reality show, _the biggest loser_, about a contest to see who could lose the most weight. man, i should have been on there... i'm nearing 150, which means i've lost about *50* pounds!
this weight loss is sort of alarming itself. i don't think i'm "dieting" healthily, and my appetite is noticeably nonexistent these days. eating has become a true chore, since either 1) i'm at the company cafeteria and the food is bad or 2) i'm eating alone, thus not enjoying the experience.
anyways, i feel a bit out of place these days. i don't think i belong at this company, but i'm too damn lazy to find another job. and besides, the other job could be just as bad, if not worse. so i'm confused. i don't know where i should be right now.
back to the panic attack i had yesterday. it's always stress-induced, and the fact that i can't sit through a simple meeting without freaking out scares me. hell, the whole job itself scares me, not because i can't do it, but because i'm *scared* to do it. weird, huh?
oh well. life goes on, doesn't it? i just wish i were inspired to go out and find my true calling, because chip design ain't it for me. but where to go... what to do...
i sound like i'm in a mid-life crisis or something. phooey. i'm only 29! that's another thing that bugs me... i go to see these doctors and chiropractors and stuff, and most of the patients there are much older than i am. it's like i don't belong there, and that bums me out. i'm too young to be going through this shit!
i miss my family. it was sort of depressing because while i was in dallas, my parents took me to their banks and put me on the authorization list to access their safety deposit boxes. you know, just in case something happens to them. that depressed me, because i realize that my time with my parents are limited, i.e. they won't live forever. it was a stark realization of their (and our) impending mortality. sad sad sad.
i need a big hug.