first of all, i want to thank each of you who wished me a happy birthday, be it through e-mail, a blog comment, or a phone call. :) thanks! you made me feel good.
work is not going well for me. i'm stuck in a panic phase where i have code modifications to do, but i don't know how to do them. :( yes, it sucks, being sort of lost and stuff, but i hope to tackle the problem soon.
lately, i haven't posted anything gross or sexually related, have i? what happened to the raunchy dardy of old? i think he's disappeared! ha!
yup, no interesting google search phrases, except previously covered subjects as "dad caught me wanking" or "tekoki," stuff like that. and i've already written as much as i can about my sexual escapades, so i guess i've plumb run out of material.
sleep naked is fun, though. clothes are such a drag when you're in bed... it helps me that i have a nice 10+ year old blanket as my primary contact layer, and it just feels sooo *good* to snuggle up against it... ah, i'm dreaming about it right now as i type this.
but sleep itself is not as good as it once was for me. my 6mg of haldol has made me sort of like a vampire, i.e. sensitive to the sun. the moment it gets light, i wake up and can't go back to sleep. so what do i do? do i get up and go to work? never! i just doze and snooze until it's finally a "reasonable" hour to head into the office.
i got my bloodwork done today. the needle they used to draw my blood (FIVE VIALS WORTH!) wasn't nearly as thick as the one they used a few years ago, and it was only a pricking sensation when they plugged it in to my left vein.
and fortunately for me, they handled everything themselves after drawing the blood. otherwise, i would have had to wait for them to centrifuge the blood serum, pack it up, freeze it for two hours, and then drive to the nearest DHL shipping place. nice!
i am sad to say that i didn't meet up with anyone else while i was in dallas. i had a few high school friends and one bay area friend that i was supposed to contact, but i never got around to it. i guess i felt guilty for not spending more time with my family during my short stay, and secondly, i didn't have a car to use so i would have had to have them pick me up.
as i stated earlier, though, i was at least glad to hang out with A for a bit. it was a bit surreal, though, hanging out with a bay area acquaintance in dallas.
oh, and i got to eat some food that i had missed. stuff like fried okra, real tex-mex (at pappasito's). it was really good, not to mention a home-cooked meal by my mom. i love her cooking, because hell, it's my mom who made it!
anyways, not much to report from this chilly monday.
by the way, i had another panic attack breakdown while i was at home. i happened saturday night. but luckily, i got to sneak out of the house for two cigarettes, and after that, the xanax i took made me able to sleep well. i'm happy that i finally have a drug that can combat my panic attacks. go xanax!
it sucks to be so medicated so young, i'll tell you that.
ok. i'm out. toodles!
sigh. thanksgiving was way too short. despite the bittersweet feelings i had with respect to my family, it was so nice to get away and stay with them. i have to admit that there were times when i was terribly bored at home, but just being around my mom and dad gave me a feeling of peace.
on saturday, i met up with A. we strolled around the galleria, shopped a bit at club monaco (though i didn't buy anything), grabbed pearl milk tea and drove by the elementary school that we both attended. it was a nice time.
sunday morning, i got up at the ripe time of 3:30am pacific time to go to the airport to catch my 8:00 flight. the flight was almost four hours, but it went by very quickly... i guess i must have fallen asleep on the plane or something, which is a miracle because i usually never am able to do that.
after i got home at around 11:00am, i just lay on the couch and then in my bed. no one was around, and i had nothing to do. so i just listened to some football games while lying down.
6:00 was my birthday dinner at hunan homes, attended by me, three couples and a baby. it was a quaint and pleasant dinner (peking duck!), and all too short for hanging out with good friends. for my birthday, i got two dvd's, a down comforter, and a jamba juice card.
all in all, it was a great break, though like i said, way too short. and now i'm back at work, a place i hate to be. sigh.
it's good, very good, actually to be back in dallas with the entire family. however, there is something about this collection of people that makes me sad for some reason.
i think part of it is watching my parents age. actually, that's a big part of it. i feel like they're slipping away, and that is a hell of a futile feeling to have.
anyways, it's all about health with the chang's. one minute, they're touting the virtues of brown rice, then, they're bashing milk, and then, they're force feeding me bottled water. you might think that we're a family of hypochondriacs or something!
i wish i could stay longer (much longer) than the two measly days i have left, for both me (i want to get away from work) and my family (i think being together is immensely therapeutic, especially my mom). poor mom still has a lot of medical issues to resolve, and in the meantime, she's just very uncomfortable all the time. *RAAR* it fucking depresses me.
anyways, it's my birthday, and nothing special happened today. we had a home-cooked meal, sans cake. which is fine by me, because i don't like cake. hehe :)
i just wish for the best for my family. which is a natural thing anyone would say, but this time, there is an element of worry and anxiety around that statement.
sigh.
anyways, hope you people had a tryptophan-overdosing time, and be happy that my cowboys finally won a game. toodles.
well, the shit really hit the fan today at work. two of my team members, including the project lead, quit. which leaves me behind, fucked because i needed their help in my coding modifications. what the fuck am i supposed to do now??!
sleep was good last night, which was a nice change from the panic attack hell that i've been going through. it was nice and snuggly, but i couldn't help but wonder how and when i'm going to ever be free of these panic attacks. trust me, you *don't* want to go through this shit. it is really scary to say the least.
this time tomorrow, i will have touched down in dallas, reunited with my family for the first time there in like 4-5 years. i am looking forward to seeing my good old family, and it should be a good break away from work.
you know of my fear of needles? well, it's going to be tested. i was sent by my chironeuro to get a blood test of allergens. he has the crazy idea that my tourette's might be aggravated by an allergy to wheat or gluten. i think it's bogus (since i know my body and the fact that it's work stress that is my main nemesis), but i didn't have the heart to tell them. so in conclusion, next week i'm going to get like five vials of blood drawn. that needle is fucking thick! :/
ah, stress. i am so weak and vulnerable to it. is there such thing as a stress-free job? if so, i need to find it, and find it quick.
aside from my panic attacks, though, my tics are not causing much anxiety. the irony is that *during* those attacks, i have seemingly infinite anxiety over them. so it's either 0 or 100, i guess. sigh.
i saw my psychiatrist today, and he prescribed me some xanax as an emergency medicine to calm me down during a panic attack. hopefully, *if* i get hit with one again, this medication will put me to sleep within a few minutes. we'll see.
still, there's lots of stress swirling around my head these days. first is the job, second is my team members leaving me high and dry, and lastly, it's the fact that alan is moving out within the month. lots of changes are going on, and i don't react well to them.
i wonder if i can ask alan to stay as a favor to me. it's sort of a shitty thing to ask, since he's motivated by personal and financial reasons. hmm. i hate to see him go, though; i've lived with him four times, and he's a wonderful roommate to have.
many sighs.
but anyways, to all of you, have a safe and happy thanksgiving! i'll catch you later, ok?
i had another night of hell last night. this time, it was the same, very scary, very frightful. it ended sometime past midnight, and lasted for about four hours. damnit! why does this keep happening to me?
other than that, nothing much to report. i saw my chiro neuro today, and he wants me to get some blood tests to see if i have any allergies to wheat and gluen. what the hell is gluten? anyways, i'm sort of annoyed by all this, because i think it's barking up the wrong tree. plus, getting blood tests is a pain in the ass; i have to drive to palo alto medical foundation to get it, stuff the vials in an insulated box with ice, and mail it off the next day. shoot, that's a lot of time running around!
after my appointment, i had lunch with a bunch of ex-coworkers from gfn. it was pleasant to see them, but i just don't connect with any of them, so it was kinda boring for me.
_scrubs_ is on tonight!
for whatever reason, my satellite radio stocks (SIRI and XMSR) are going crazy (a good crazy). now them problem is telling when the hype will die down and when to sell the stocks. i'm up like 500% on SIRI!
i have come to realize that there is so much shit that goes on during life. relationships, friends, errands, bills, mortgages, and worst of all, work. i really miss my college days when the only things i had to worry about were studying and homework and tests. ah, it seems so simple back then, doesn't it?
and now, my life is just a big old mess.
i think i might take tomorrow off. i'm gonna tell my boss about the nervous breakdowns i've been having, and hopefully he'll let me rest up before i leave for dallas. i am petrified of going through another one of these episodes, especially in front of my parents. that would just break their hearts.
i wish i weren't so fragile. the slightest bit of stress seems major to me, and i don't react well. i think i inherited this anxiety-proneness from my mom's side of the family. it's funny how you can inherit personality traits, huh? maybe there should be research done on an "anxiety gene."
anyhow, i am not taking good care of myself. but the tradeoffs are sort of the problem. what i mean is, the best thing for me is to quit my job, but then, i'd be lacking an income, which i need. tradeoffs, see?
in any case, we'll see what happens to me. i still have hope that things will turn out well, but i think the journey to that place is going to be windy and tough.
so alan (my roommate) dropped a bomb on me yesterday. basically, he and ting plan on moving out by the end of the year. i don't quite understand the urgency on his part, because he's got a house to move into next june.
my reaction? great sadness. he's been a great roommate, and i don't want to see him leave. yes, yes, i know it's inevitable that he moves out, but i was hoping that he'd at least stay with me until june. and now i'll be left high and dry within a month or so.
*sigh*
so now what? do i find a roommate? a random one, even? *pukes* do i move out? (i HATE moving.) i dunno. and i, for one, can't deal with this stress as well as my work pressure. ugh.
sad sad sad.
friday afternoon, i had another nervous breakdown. *spits* drat. this one occured during the day, however, and alan was there, too. i didn't tell him about it, though, as i paced around and try to lie down and chill out. finally, after about an hour of feeling electric inside, i took out the recycling, and somehow, that calmed me down.
saturday was very boring. i woke up, watched stanford lose miserably to cal in the big game, grabbed some taco bell, and went to bed at 8pm.
sunday was different. i met A at shoreline theater, where we watched the new _bridget jones_ movie. it was a bit uneven, i felt, and not as enjoyable or adorable as the first. i guess this is another case of the sequel not being as good as the original.
A is a cool chick. i hope to hang out with her when i'm in dallas. *cheer*
afterwards, i went home and putzed around until 6:30, when i drove to mike's for dinner. he cooked a smorgasbord of meat (pork chops and tri-tip), and it was a good meal. i was pretty quiet throughout the event, though, as i had nothing to contribute to the conversation about lenses and snowboarding and such. sigh. i'm such a boring person now.
anyways, it was a good weekend, but i have to admit, i spent a good deal of it worrying about my next impending nervous breakdown. *knocks on wood*
oh yeah. friday night, we watched _national treasure_. definitely a shitty movie: bad plot, bad dialogue, bad acting. definitely a non-recommendation from me.
ah, friday. i'm thinking about jetting soon, so i'll keep this brief.
so far, only tentative plans for the weekend exist, but i RESOLVE to be more social the next two days!
the thing about having my tics is that i get really antisocial. i don't want people so see me in all my tourettic glory, so i just sequester myself at home most of the time. basically, being out (or rather, being alive) stresses me out sometimes, so the best medicine for that is lounging around in bed or on the couch.
but then again, seeing people makes me happy, and sometimes (in rare cases), i forget about my TS. those times are good, and i want to experience that again.
last night's _OC_ disappointed me. everybody's just in an ugly situation, and like seth cohen said, it feels like a lonely place for many of the main characters. and i'm not impressed with the new girl; she looks like lindsay lohan's cousin or something.
oh, and before i forget, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROL!! for six days a year, we're the same age (28 now), and all is well in the universe. hehe.
the prospect of turning 29 (which i do so next thursday, thanksgiving day) is upon me. i feel a bit ambivalent; after all, i know i'm pushing the age boundary, but still, i'm in my 20's, so i don't feel *too* old.
ah well. age is just a state of mind, right? i actually feel older (despite being single and now owning a home) because work has stressed me out; i feel frazzled, weary, tired, and just generally burnt out. so in that respect, i'm much older than my age indicates.
anxiety over my tics is coming back. *RAAR* my neck is really tired, and staying upright requires that part of my body to support the weight of my head, which feels damn heavy sometimes. sigh.
i hate friday mornings. why? because the leafblowers come and make a raucous smattering of noise outside my window. can't sleep! this morning, they started at 8am, which is totally frustrating. and what do they do? they simply relocate the fallen leaves to another location; hm, seems like a silly thing to me. i'd rather they *vacuum* the leaves instead of my blowing them around into a big pile.
ok, i'm tired of writing. i'm out.
not much to write about today. i seem to have missed our regular third thursday ice cream social, and i'm sort of bummed. i missed the e-mail about it, and no one came to get me. *RAAR* i wanted ice cream!
i'm trying to gain weight these days. 155 is too low for me, and i want to be 160+ by next week. ice cream would have helped, but then again, so does not skipping meals, which i am prone to do. eating is such a chore these days, especially because i usually eat alone during dinner.
but! last night i had dinner with adam. it was good seeing him again, long hair and all. we grabbed ramen at maruichi (which i've decided it sucks) and then took a walk down castro.
i was unusually happy yesterday, but by now, the euphoria has faded. i'm starting to stress over my tics a bit more, and that worries me. it just means that i'm reverting to my old, anxiety-laden self.
i think i'm gonna get a haircut today. rest up at home and watch _the OC_ before i retire to bed. sleep is still sucking; i mean, i'm in bed for over 13 hours, but i actually only get about 8 hours of sleep! yep, the rest of the time is spent tossing and turning because of the damn early sunrise and daylight.
i need to shave, too. or rather, buy a new shaver. i think my old one broke while in transit during the europe trip, and it leaks shaven hairs all over the place, making this black-fuzzed area on my bathroom sink. ewww. can anyone recommend a good electric shaver? norelco? braun?
i want to win the lottery so i can get out of this so-called "career." i am very down on chip design right now, but i don't know what else i can transition to painlessly (which means not involving more schooling).
but anyways, i'm clockwatching right now, and sooner or later, i'm leaving the office. and tomorrow's friday! yippee! i hope to be more social this weekend, but we'll see what comes up. tentatively i have a meeting with orkut girl and maybe some activities with mike, who i haven't seen in a while. that should be fun.
i haven't taken a picture in a very long time, huh? it's like i've completely lost the passion for capturing things on (digital) film. i guess there's nothing inspiring in my life to take a picture of, either, so my three digital cameras just sit on my desk idling by, poor things.
the problem with leaving work early is that i wind grabbing dinner early too (on my way home). and since i'm not hungry, eating dinner is even more of a chore. i just don't love food the way i used to. food is just a necessary evil for me these days, and it really shouldn't be that way.
ok, i'm out in a few. toodles!
feeling better today. i guess you gotta take it as it comes, huh?
i finished coding the final piece of the new blocks, so that's a source of the feelings of goodness. but, of course, integrating them and changing the existing code is a whole other beast, but i'm not going to think about that for now.
(by the way, when i typed the word "beast" above, i actually put down "breast." ha! you know where my mind is, right? :)
i think the key to mental health in work is compartmentalizing. you have to be able to separate the work thinking from the non-work life. my problem of late have been thinking about work while i'm home, sleeping, etc. it has invaded my private thoughts, and that brings about a lot of unnecessary stress.
the thing is, though, that i'm still plagued with the inability to sleep when it's light. i wake up at 6:30 every morning, and from then on until i get out of bed, i just lie there, thinking about random stuff (which includes work), and it's really really frustrating. *RAAR* i think it's the high dosage of haldol that did this to me, although it only started in this past week or so. i wonder what changed. *shrug*
aside from my roommates and peter, i haven't been seeing any of my other friends. i think that has got to change. i need to get out more, so if i haven't seen you and you wanna get together, give me a call!
this time next week, i'll get heading home early and packing up for my thanksgiving break in dallas. woo-hoo! i can't wait to see my family. i know i don't say that very often, but my nuclear family has gotten more and more precious as time goes by. i guess i appreciate them more, and i realize that the times we are all together are limited. *sniff*
anybody seen the new _bridget jones_ movie? i really liked the first one, even though many guys brand it as a "chick flick." so what if it is? hehee. i for one appreciate a good romantic comedy, and i like colin firth.
i worry about too much stuff. lately, what's on my mind has been a smattering of things: work work work (of course), alan eventual moving out (he's found a house already), backing up my hard drive on my iMac, etc. there's a lot more that i can list as well.
anxiety is a terrible thing. and i am the king of anxiousness.
oddly enough, though ever since my nervous breakdown of this past saturday, i haven't had much anxiety over my tics. they just come and go, and i don't have my patented fretting over when the next one will come. it's kind of nice to be like this, although, of course, i'd rather just do away with my tics once and for all.
tourette's sucks.
anyways, that's it for today. toodles!
this blog is slowly dying. i'm just out of things to talk about, i guess. part of it's my mental state; my brain is just preoccupied with its well-being, and doesn't find any time to think of cool blogable topics. :(
i am doing a bit better today, though. it's weird, but my don't seem to mind my tics; i'm not getting the anxiety over them like i usually do.
still, my work scares me. literally. when i wake up in the mornings, i count down to my departure time, and i get more and more stressed. it's this damn edge enhancement block i'm working on; it's a toughie, and i just can't wrap my brain around it fully. *RAAR*
at least there's _scrubs_ tonight. although 9:30 is getting to be a bit late for me; because i wake up when the sun rises (around 6:30 or so), i need to sleep way early to get the 10 hours that i want. yeah, there's something fucked up about my sleep schedule.
i am not happy at my current workplace. not happy at all.
there's also something wrong with my appetite. i'm not hungry when i should be, and when it comes time to eat something, i wind up eating it very slowly, as if i don't want to. my dad always said that lacking an appetite is a sure sign that a person is sick, and i think he's right about that.
during my massive nervous breakdown on saturday night, one of the things i did to try to bring some sanity back was watching a bit of porn. and nothing happened! no boners, no nothing! i wasn't excited by it, i just didn't care for it. now THAT is a sure sign that there was something horribly wrong with me. :/
my life is one big rut right now. and the rut is very deep.
i'm down to 155 pounds right now. that's not very far from where i was in college, back when i was a skeleton. i'm getting a little concerned about my weight; i've lost almost 50 pounds since last christmas! isn't that a little alarming?
anyways, my left ear hurts, and i was just feeling around, and i found a scab along the inner edge! OUCH! how did i hurt my ear? poor thing...
have you ever run into something at work that you just didn't know how to do? how did that make you feel? frustrated? helpless? yeah, that's where i am right now. i keep looking for exit strategies, like having the architects drop the feature, or leaving the company in a lurch, but none of those seem realistic. so i guess i just gotta do it, huh?
anyways, that's it for today. sigh. more useless words from the land of the futile.
not much to say today. i hashed out some things over the project (or, rather, my current difficult block) with my project lead, but things are still murky and fuzzy as to how i'll implement it. sigh. if only things weren't so fucking complicated!
what i *do* have to say, though, is this: be very grateful for your mental health. i know that most of you have no mental health issues, and you people probably take your brain's general well-being for granted. do not do that. if you were me, and went through the horrors i went through on saturday night, then you'd know to be fucking grateful for having a sane mind.
other than that, i have nothing else to say. goodbye.
oh, and i am praying that dallas shows up to play philly on monday night football tonight.
it wasn't a good weekend, folks. i am not well, mentally speaking, and i am dead serious.
i went home early on friday because i was already feeling quite shitty, and i tried to take a nap. but my head was just feeling all wonky and shit in bed, so i got up to go to the bathroom. the next thing i knew, i puked up all of my lunch in three violent lurches. for whatever reason, that made things better, and i was able to take a nap.
saturday, i spent lying down the entire day. i skipped lunch and had dinner, but when i went to sleep, i had a *serious* *extreme* nervous breakdown.
now, lying down is the one of the few things that keeps me from ticcing, but this time, it did nothing for me. i felt like i was about to explode, and i flopped around my bed, and nothing could calm me down. i puked like five times, and i was *this* close to waking up alan and telling him to drive me to the emergency room.
i can't explain how horrible this breakdown for you guys. but it was the *worst* shape i've ever been in. i would pace around my room, ticcing like mad, sit on my bed and quiver, etc. and the whole thing lasted for four hours from 10pm to 2am. finally, i put on my clothes, went outside and smoked two cigarettes in succession. and things were a bit better after that, as i was finally able to fall asleep.
but only for four hours. i think it's the medication, but the moment it gets light outside, i wake up and can't fall back asleep. so i woke up at 6am and stayed there until 1pm, unable to sleep.
sunday was spent watching a little bit of football, shooting some hoops with alan and peter at bubb elementary school, and doing some more lying down. luckily, i got some decent sleep last night (though the light sensitivity was still in effect), and i feel better today.
i dunno, man. i felt so scared, so *alone* saturday night while i was going through my breakdown. i don't know what to do, except quit my job, but that's not a possibility for me right now. i think the stress is work-related, and that makes the struggle even harder because i simply don't want to work, but i have to. quite a quandary, huh?
anyways, we'll see how this week goes. if things don't get better for me, i don't know what i can do. i basically didn't eat all of friday and saturday (because of the puking), and i've lost another five pounds.
i am scared.
i've decided that my job sucks the soul out of my life. i don't know how it got this way, because in the past, i actually sort of *liked* working. now, it's not the case. i dread going in every morning (actually, while i sleep), and leaving the office feels like the weight of atlas has been removed from my back. and worst of all, i don't know how to get out of this rut.
anyways, tonight is OC night. i'm looking forward to the episode. although, last week's season premiere didn't enthuse me so much; i thought that the ending turned too quickly to be believable. *shrug* oh well.
so we have this two-week shutdown at work. at first, they were asking us to work through it, and then they said that we would get the two weeks off. and once again, today, i was asked to work one of the weeks. what the hell is going on? i want my fucking vacation! i *need* my fucking vacation!
on the bright side, e-mail correspondence is going well with orkut girl. we might have dinner next week, which i'm looking forward to, despite the severity of my tics. she's a cool lass, and i'm eagerly anticipating seeing her again.
by the way, i saw _the incredibles_ last night. (yes, a rare weekday social event) it was very good! i enjoyed it thoroughly, so much so that i forgot to tic during a good part of the movie. yes, it was *that* good. and i also liked the short that preceded it, called _boundin'_. sheep and jackalopes are cute!
what's a jackalope, though?
i need a new calling iin life. or any calling. i can't say that being an engineer was a calling of any sort... it was just sort of a default career. i need something i can be passionate about, but what is it? *shrug*
ah well. some people, like me most likely, aren't that lucky.
so! wednesday is almost over, and i'm certainly glad about that. the problem with today, though, is that i've been clockwatching since 3pm. that's a long time to be doing that.
what good tv is there on wednesdays? i know there's _smallville_, but i'm still not interested in that show; all i care about is how lex luther and clark kent become enemies, but i heard recently that they're still friends on the show. so bah humbug.
i don't like cake. (except for ice cream cake, and no chocolate!) my birthday this year falls on thanksgiving day, and i'll be home in dallas then. i need to tell my parents not to get cake, especially chinese cake, because i simpl don't like it. i'm more of a pie person, methinks.
my poor brother got in a car accident out in LA. i hope he has time to handle the insurance claim and the repairs and all that. it's such a hassle doing that shit.
anyways, i'm itching to go home and just chill out. what this company needs is on-site massages! man, i'd get those every day! i don't know what it is about massages that feels so good... maybe i'm touch-starved or something, but they're just abso-smurfly heavenly!
i am starting to think that this whole chiropractic neurology thing is a crock of bullshit. i've been doing these silly exercises for a few months now, and my tics are just as bad! i know, i should give it some more time, but still, i just don't believe that things as trivial as eye exercises and rotating in a chair can fix my brain.
speaking of medical updates, i went to the dentist this morning for my 6-month cleanup. they tell me i should start flossing (as they do every time i go in). and they've moved me up to 4-month checkups! *RAAR* i mean, it's better now, since they don't use that metal hook thing as much anymore, and instead, they use the ultrasonic water tool. but still, it hurts, and i hate going to the dentist. the good news: at least i don't have any cavities. *shiver*
i think i've distanced myself from all things enjoyable. or maybe, i've just lost interest. take basketball for example. i simply don't like playing anymore. maybe it's because i suck, but still, there was a time when i used to *like* playing. but now? i just go because i feel guilty otherwise, i.e. guilty for not getting exercise.
and other things, too. i don't enjoy my lounge music anymore, and in fact, i don't listen to music at all when i'm at home. and friends? man, i haven't seen the bowling gang in over a month, and i've neglected calling some other friends as well. i guess i'm just fading away from this world or something, which is a bad sign.
sigh.
i need a kick-start. somebody needs to smack me back into having fun again.
who knew that tourette's could cause somebody to be an antisocial recluse?
had another mini-breakdown today. it seems tuesdays are the day to have them, as this pattern has repeated itself for a few weeks now. i think it's the post-lunch meeting; something about it just stresses me out.
my massage was pretty good last night, except that i have this shooting pain in my arm whenever i tic. and in certain spots on my back and left shoulder, applying pressure (done by the masseuse) causes the pain to worsen. it's like my nerves are all jumbled up and misfiring and stuff. weird, i know. but either way, i still LOVE massages, and drat that they cost $40 a pop.
so i've been measuring how long it takes me to go through a bar of soap (i use dove), and it's almost exactly two weeks. just an observation.
oh, did i talk about meeting up with orkut girl last thursday? we met on castro at tea era for some roasted barley pearl milk tea (my FAVORITE flavor), and we talked for about an hour. she seems really cool, and i hope to see her again. there were some awkward silences, and i don't know if it was because of lack of chemistry or just the weirdness of the first-meeting situation. we'll see.
my mom is cleaning out the house back in texas. i don't know if they plan to sell the house or something, but i'm worried that she'll find my porn stash (well, i think it only consists of a hustler and a few playboy's) in the garage. hm. i wonder what her reaction would be, probably shock.
personally, i think i'd be cool with my kid having some porn. it's sort of a rite of passage, fueled by fluctuating hormones and a drive to satisfy a kid's curiosity. although, i think it'd be necessary (upon finding out) to talk to the kid to make sure he has a healthy attitude towards it, and i don't know what i'd say.
i think my dad caught me wanking when i was much younger. i was lying in bed frigging away, and my schlong must have been visible. and suddenly, my dad bursts into the room, looks over at me, and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SHIVERING?" i think he knew what was *really* happening, but came up with the idea that he should mistake my masturbation for convulsing. *shrug*
anyways, sigh. maturing from boyhood to manhood. the memories! i remember back then, i could get myself off of simple things like a static picture of a shot of some girl's boobs. nowadays, my needs are much more sophisticated: a certain position, video (as opposed to a magazine), etc. i'm a porn connoisseur, a porn elitist!
tourette's sucks. sometimes i wonder how it would be if i had copralia (the cursing flavor of TS). i mean, it would be really offensive and off-putting to people, and more visible (or rather, audible), but at least the tics wouldn't hurt me physically. i think the worst part about my neck tics is that they kill my shoulders and neck. physical pain is *puke*.
ok, that's enough for today. toodles!
i get sad when i face the idea of oblivion. for example, a few sundays ago on espn, they had this rockin' song as the soundtrack to sportscenter's "ultimate highlight" montage. i took note of the song they were playing, but forgot it soon afterwards. and now this memory is in oblivion, never capable of being retrieved and taken advantage of. and that bugs me. it saddens me.
another one is the cute asian stripper girl from last year's vegas bachelor party. ner name was shannon, but now i wonder where she is and i am sad that i'll never see her again in my life. stuff like that.
well...
it's just another monday, except that... i'm getting a massage today! *huzzah* my tics have been really hurting my left shoulders, such that when i tic to my left, arrows of pain shoot down my left arm. it's a real pisser, i tell ya... i'm tempted to try acupuncture after my massage, but i'm a little unwilling to pay the $80 fee that it costs. (plus, i'm afraid of needles.)
i want to go home. yes, i know it's not even 4:30 yet, but still... i wanna go home!
*yawn*
lately, i've been trying to cry to release some tension in my life, you know, a sort of catharsis. so, i try thinking of all the shit that's gone wrong in my life so far (mainly my tourette's and increasing pain of loneliness), and i start sniffling. but in a few seconds, i wind up yawning. which makes for tears in my eyes, but it's from the wrong process!
the truth is, i have maybe cried three times in the last fifteen years. things don't make me sad, i guess; instead, i just feel numb, and i wonder if that's a bad thing. crying is an important process, i suppose, although i'm not really sure if i believe that myself.
two more full workweeks until thanksgiving! i am SO psyched to go back to dallas and get away from it all. and, i currently have the prospect of meeting up with orkut girl there, as well as a few other female friends i have in the area. *cheer*
my dallas cowboys suck. scoring only THREE measly points and losing by over 20? to the cincinnati bengals?! that's PATHETIC. it makes me wonder if bill parcells will just get up and quit and leave the team. and then it'll be more years of 5-11-type seasons.
anyways, i got an e-mail from hr girl today. that made me happy. i sort of chuckle to myself when i remember having this crush on her a few years ago. she's definitely a hottie, that's for sure, and i'll always remember our lunches at arby's together.
i want more e-mail!
and i also like popping zits. haha. i love the juicy ones that making this pop/crunching noise and the resulting spewage of gunk.
ok, that's my gross-out thought for the day. have a good one!
so i wound up doing more this weekend compared to the other ones i've had lately. it felt good, but then again, i didn't get to sleep in either of the days.
friday night, we had costco pizza and watched _fahrenheit 9/11_ on dvd. it was ok, sort of long and long-winded, and i thought _bowling for columbine_ was more focused. *shrug*
saturday, i woke up at the precious hour of 8:45 to prepare for going to koi palace right during opening. we wound up getting there at 10:15 (alan and ting went to go work out first), and we still got a table for nine people without waiting. and i ordered 4 plates of egg custard soft cake, which is really the MAIN reason to go to koi palace. they were *luscious*!!
afterwards, we hit hillsdale mall. the other two bought stuff, but i left empty-handed. i dunno. either i am just not interested in shopping anymore (i don't even remember the last time i bought clothes for myself), or the current fashions don't appeal to me.
alan and ting cooked chicken curry for dinner. i like the stuff, but we put it over brown rice, which i found to be a tad difficult to handle.
sunday, i woke up early (that's relatively-speaking, of course) and headed over to cindy's place so she could drive us up to the city to meet up with kevin, my best friend from high school. we had lunch at kate's kitchen on haight, and i ordered the blue state scramble, which was quite good, despite needing a bit of salt. they also had this thing called the "bitter defeat omelet," so apparently this was a democratic party establishment. :)
afterwards, we went to the mission where cindy had a talk with her friend munira while i just napped on the couch listening to the niners game on the tv. after i got home, i took yet another nap, and then got up to watch part of the sunday night football game over some taco bell.
and that was about it. i'm glad i actually got out of the house to do stuff, but man, not being able to sleep took its toll on me. i was tired!
well, i've typed 500 lines of code, and i'm still not done. *RAAR*
yeah, i got off my ass today and coded a bit. it felt good, but now i'm at a tricky part, and i need to think about it some more.
today's been going ok so far, i guess. i'm excited about two things, in particular.
1) i'm meeting up with orkut girl in MV for pearl milk tea.
2) it's the season premiere of _the OC_!
those two things should brighten my day. in fact, i'm leaving the office in an hour or so; gotta go home and gel up my hair to look good for orkut girl! haha.
so i guess since the OC is on thursdays at 8 (on fox), i won't be watching _joey_ anymore. that's ok, since that show kinda sucked anyway.
i had a dream about k1 two nights ago. it was very vivid, and i remember us being friendly to each other. if only reality were that way, *sigh*. i still plan on e-mailing her for her birthday, though, even though she never responds. *double sigh*
bad breakups, i suppose.
anyways, it's raining outside. the weather is so dreary and bleak, and my only reaction to it is that i want to sleep. sleep, snuggle up with my cold blankets and pillows, and dream about life without tics. yup, i never tic in my dreams, so it's a nice alternate existence.
i told my project lead about my nervous breakdowns that i've been having lately, my, word spreads quickly! my boss had a brief one-on-one to see how i was doing. i guess they care about my sanity and mental well-being, so that's a good warm fuzzy feeling.
i wonder what my calling is in life. it certainly can NOT be sitting in a cubicle all day long in front of a computer. but what else is out there (that i am qualified for)? i can't do this for the rest of my life!
i don't understand the allure of chocolate. it seems that a lot of people (especially women) LOVE the stuff. but to me, it's just either a bit bitter, or, in other cases, too sweet. chocolate bar? no thanks... i'd rather have potato chips or something else.
the good news, though, is that today is thursday. yup. after today, i have one more workday until the glorious weekend. glorious, i tell you, GLORIOUS!
i'm kind of panicking, though, that my meds aren't controlling my tics at all. i'm on 6mg of haldol now, and the previous time i was on it, 2.5mg was enough to make me go crazy (like hearing noises in my head and stuff). what gives? is my body immune to the drug now?
but more seriously, i am running out of ways to combat my tourette's. this chironeuro thing doesn't seem to be doing anything, and the more traditional method (medication) obviously isn't doing anything, either. so i'm worried that i'm at the end of my road here as far as things to try out, and i'll just have to be in this semi-tourette's breakdown phase for the rest of my life. and that really scares me.
ok, i had best be going back to work now. toodles!
i've been thinking a lot about old-tyme torture/execution methods lately. i don't know why i've been so morbid; currently, i'm fascinated with the whole drawing and quartering thing, you know, where they tie each of your limbs to a horse and have the animals run in opposite directions, resulting in your appendages being torn off and bleeding a horrible limbless death.
*shiver*
and don't even get me started on the iron maiden. yikes!
today is slightly better than yesterday. man, i have GOT to decrease the frequency and intensity of these nervous breakdowns! i've had two in two weeks!
so i voted yesterday, as you know. i feel bad for kerry. why? because he lost! he came sooo close to winning the election, and now we have to deal with dubya for four more years? ick. i wonder what state the country will be in after he finally leaves the office.
and what's worse, the election coverage on nbc wiped out last night's episode of _scrubs_! *RAAR*
i've got a shitload of work to do. sigh.
so back to dreaming about work. i tried to pre-empt those thoughts coming into my head while i was sleeping by focusing on sex. you know, my favorite positions, my favorite images from the videos i've got, etc. it only worked for a little bit until i got bored of visualizing sexual maneuvers and started thinking about work again.
i think the haldol is making me sensitive to light. i wake up at the very crack of dawn, and it seems like i can't fall asleep after that. at least, i'm not getting *good* sleep around 6am or so. that's a long time to be getting bad sleep!
i can't wait for thanksgiving break back in dallas. it'll give me a chance to get away from the office for four whole days. and better yet, i'll have my birthday dinner the night i get back! (my birthday falls on thanksgiving day, in case you wanted to know. :)
so! what's going on with you guys? i've heard so little of you darling readers. won't you leave me a comment or two? all i've been lately is comment spam, so any contact with you people is welcome stuff. :)
itching to go home and lie down. as usual. the futon has become my best friend next to my bed (which is a futon as well). yes, yes, i know, i should graduate to a real bed, but i am very attached to my current sleeping platform. it's firm, it's blue, and it supports me just fine.
there are a lot of things that i'm worrying about right now. first and foremost is my job. i'm not sure how to do some of the things i've been asked to (i.e. modify someone else's messy code), and second on my mind is the prospect of alan and ting moving out. what will i do? live alone? and move AGAIN? ick.
anyways... so it looks like i didn't win the $100K from the voteornot.org campaign. bummer. i was looking forward to pocketing the cash and buying a house. hehe.
ok, that's enough for today. toodles!
sorry for not writing yesterday. i had a mini nervous breakdown at work. yet again, i know. they always seem to happen on tuesdays, and this just isn't good for me.
i basically came back from basketball and headed off to a two-hour meeting whereby the stress level (or perceived stress level) got too high for me to handle. my tics were going crazy, my head felt all fuzzy and staticky, and i just had to go home.
so i left before 5pm, voted (and got my sticker!) and headed home. sigh.
i can tell that work is starting to get to me. i am starting to dream about it, and that's very bad news. i had previously developed a remarkable skill of compartmentalizing my work life with regards to my freedom, but this is starting to break down as the amount of work i have to do piles up. drat.
anyways, just wanted to give you a heads up. i may write more later. stay tuned!
so i did some hardcore coding today. didn't turn out to be all that much work, but it actually felt good to do something *tangible* at the office.
i am in a rut.
the rut consists of sleeping, eating (which has been quite a chore lately), and watching tv. honestly, that's all i do these days, even on weekends. i must get out more and see living, breathing, talking human beings.
of all the people, i miss my roommates the most. alan has been consumed with house hunting the last few months, and most of his weekends are spent doing the deed. he has, however, secured a bid on a rivermark place, so i hope i'll get to hang out with him often on weekends. *crossed fingers*
so yeah, i've been bumming around these last few months, and the convenient excuse i give is that my tics are ruling me. which isn't far from the truth, but i should be better about being proactive and hanging out with my friends.
so can someone tell me the point of daylight savings? i hate it. i hate the fact that from now on, when i leave work, it'll be dark. it makes me feel like the day is over prematurely. *RAAR*
people here at work have mentioned that i'm not the old bouncy self that they knew four years ago (that's when i left this company to "seek my fortune" which *ahem* did NOT happen). i just shrug and say something like i'm burnt out from work or something. but it's true... i used to be really wacky and energetic, and now i feel like this old bitter man.
ok, enough negativity. i just gotta perk up!
now, concerning the cold weather, i just have to say i LOVE it. well, not the fact that it's so cold that i catch a virus or something, but i just love chilliness and the temperature being 65. and that also means i get to wear my cool jackets, which i haven't done yet, but you just wait!
my favorite jacket of all is one that i don't get to wear very often; it's an olive green wool long jacket by ralph lauren. it was a gift from an ex of mine, and i gotta say, despite our problems with materialism and such, she gave very good gifts. :)
speaking of which, i haven't dressed up in a really long time.
ok, somebody needs to install something on my computer. toodles!
sorry i haven't been writing. thursday, my brain was fried by this useless meeting that lasted for two hours, and that night, i caught a cold after having dinner with the yujster.
my nose was all sniffly (lots and lots of nasal drip!), and i had a sore throat. and i pretty much spend this entire weekend recovering. i think i was awake for all of five hours on saturday, and the only thing i did sunday was watch the cowboys beat the lions. (go cowboys!)
and that was about it. a wasted weekend, and now i have a mountain of shit to do at work. sigh. i'll try to write more this afternoon, but i can't promise anything. i'm just damn tired of work and of life. double sigh.