hey people. i know i sound like a broken record, but my tics are really bad. we had a goodbye lunch today for an employee who is leaving, and i just couldnl't sit there and eat in peace. i just kept twitching all over the place. *RAAR*
no plans for the weekend. i think alan is househunting and preparing for his adventure race, so my roommate will be out of commission, except for maybe mealtimes. oh well.
anyways, i'm SO glad it's friday! two days of rest... *bliss*
i'm too tired to link them, but last night, i had a dream about eric, amabelle and rita. i forget what we were doing; we may have been at a fair or something. but it's just weird that i dreamt about them because i haven't seen those people in such a long time, much less hung out with them; i think the last time all four of us were together was halloween 2001. !!
i was thinking this morning, the vacation to spain/italy may be bad for me. the last few trips i've taken, my tics have gotten worse, not better, meaning: the times were not relaxing for me. man, if things get any worse, i won't know what to do with myself. *scare*
the slgihtly good news is that i'm seeing my psych on monday morning, and i'll most likely up my dosage of haldol. but damn, haldol doesn't seem to be working at all, so now i'm at a loss...
*RAAR* i have lots of earwax! when i lie on my right side sometimes at night, i can hear the wax settling in my left ear canal. like, it's makes a *crunch* noise. and when i tic, it jolts around in there, but i can't get it out! how annoying. (actually, i usually jam my pinky in there, but i think it just pushes it all in there instead.)
oh, and i saw _mystic river_ last night. i didn't like it. i mean, the acting was good, but it was basically an episode of _law and order_ (i.e. murder mystery) with top-notch stars. which may sound good on paper, but in the end, i guess i was expecting more. AND it was a long movie! poor dave.
i forgot to mention that when we stopped by mcdonald's in the gilroy outlets, we were sitting there, and in walked... RONALD MCDONALD! yup. the red-haired man himself, wearing his huge shoes and yellow outfit. the kids loved him, and he came over and said hi to us. we asked him what grimace was, and he said that grimace was a shake monster from the shake island. cool.
my friend amy showed me this thing about silent dating. yup. dating without words. so instead of talking, you use a pen and paper and write notes to each other.
and as of this moment, i still haven't come up with anything cool to write should i go to one of these events.
any ideas?
i can't play defense in basketball worth shit. and thus, it's no surprise that in 3-on-3, my team lost all of our games. sigh.
at least, in avoiding contact on the court, i lessen my chances of getting injured. one of the guys snapped his finger all the way back while going for the ball, and you could literally hear the sound. gut-wrenching.
anyways, i'm sipping on an arizona iced team, raspberry flavor. it's not very good. too tart, i think. hey, at least it was free.
it's thursday! woo-hoo! one more day at work here, and i'm home free!
i think i'm horny today. after i come back from basketball, i usually wear my shorts for awhile before changing back into my work pants. well, the shorts are rather loose-fitting, and coupled with loose boxers, it gives my schlong lots of room to grow.
so i was sitting there, thinking about sex (as usual), and suddenly, i had a semi-boner! hm. it doesn't happen *that* often that mere thoughts (without any physical contact) cause boners, so that's how i concluded that i'm horny. :)
*ahem*
so... any other lurkers out there who wants to say hi? i'll write back, i promise!
these days, i've been going into work at around 10. what sucks is that once it gets to be around 8:45 or so, i wake up, and all i can think about is how little time i have left to sleep. so i wake up every 10 minutes or so after that, roll over, and check the clock. so, effectively, i only sleep until 8:45. *RAAR*
i am proud of myself at work today. i found a timing loop in the netlist, and just by staring at somebody else's crazy code, i figured out the problem. *flex*
i was tempted by beef (big mac) last night. but you'll be pleased to know that i held my own. instead, i had a filet o'fish, a 6-piece, and a chicken sandwich. yeah, i was hungry.
man. so i've moved on from synthesis work to fixing somebody else's code. it fucking sucks, because i have no clue what the hell he's doing. (fyi, "he" is an ex-employee who left a mess for others to sort through.)
anyways, one of my concerns is that i didn't do the same thing when i left my old company, i.e. leave behind a bunch of bugs and timing violations that will have to be fixed by the people who i left behind. that would make me feel hella guilty.
i'm burping garlic hummus and falafel; we had our free friday lunch on a wednesday (after a rather boring quarterly meeting), and it was mediterranean food. not bad food, but still not very impressive. at least it wasn't as nasty as last friday's smorgasbord lunch. but i remind myself again that i shouldn't complain about free food.
i got some good e-mails yesterday. keep them coming! those of you lurkers out there, won't you leave a comment or drop me a note saying hi? pretty please? *grovels in the ground*
at least this week is going by a little (just a *little*) faster than last week. i guess i am getting in the swing of things here at this new company. already, i had a lot of work to do, and it's hard getting motivated to get down and dirty, especially when it's somebody else's code i have to dip my hands into.
i haven't posted a picture up here in a long time. hm. i feel bad about that, but honestly, i haven't seen anything worth taking a picture of in a long time. but! i promise that i'll post stuff up from my europe trip at least!
sleep has been very good lately. it's just that i don't get enough of it. and yes, the reason why i love sleep is because it's the only time i don't tic. at all.
i wonder if i'll have time to shop around at the duty free store when i have my european stopover in london (heathrow). i want to get a carton of cigarettes for my trip, and they might be cheaper there than buying it in the states.
anyways... *streeeetch* i think it's time to do some more work now.
does urine really taste that bad? i'm asking because i accidentally pissed on my pants, and i'm smelling it. it's not that gross! yet, in _jackass: the movie_, when ehren tries to eat his own yellow snowcone, he ends up barfing all over the place. *ponder*
ah, the things i wonder.
anyways, not much going on today. i was going to do some recoding, but it turns out that i had more synthesis work to do. it's sort of boring stuff (a lot of babysitting), but at least i'm not occupied the entire time, and i get to relax in between runs.
i'm excited for tv today, because _outback jack_ is on! hehe. and in between all the _seinfeld_ episodes and _oj_, i'm gonna try to catch on my _time_ magazine reading. just to let you know, i've given up trying to read every article. in fact, i'm barely reading any articles now... just the ones that interest me. so much for force-feeding self-edification, huh?
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i were a casanova, like i could get any girl i wanted. would i stop appreciating women? is it better to be the way i am now, virtually inept and practically single for life? hm. somehow i don't think so. :/
but i do wish i could get rid of this blasted tourette's. ever since march, i haven't been able to really enjoy life, even simple things like hanging out with friends and eating a meal without ticcing up a storm and suffering through the debilitating anxiety over my next twitch. it fucking SUCKS, i tell ya!
debilitating.
but anyways, it's almost time to go home, so i'm happy about that. soon, i'll be lying in my usual position (i.e. prone on the futon) watching television, and i'll get to relax. *huzzah*
i'm having a weird phobia of papercuts these days. like, anyone would hate a papercut, but i have these weird visions of getting them, and it makes me cringe and shiver. weird, huh?
ah, tuesday. basketball day. which means (lately) that i skipped lunch. i keep meaning to go to mcd's for breakfast on tuesday/thursdays, but 1) i'm too lazy and 2) i'm never hungry when i get out of bed. hm. quandary, no?
work here is sort of messy. there's a lot of shit that needs to be done, and many tasks are just a big old mess, caused mainly by people who have left or are leaving. damn, retention seems to be a problem here.
but yeah, like i said, my job here is sort of being like a janitor; cleaning up stuff, handing off errors and warnings to people to fix, etc. it ain't glamorous.
hey, but at least i get my free vitasoy drinks. :) *bliss*
the problem with my zippo lighter is that when the butane is full, the flame gets really BIG, and it's hard to deal with when it's windy. like today, i lit it, and the flame just engulfed my left thumb. and now i have a burn blister. and it fucking HURT for a while. :( *sobs*
i hate blisters. why? because i always tempt myself into popping them, and when the raw skin underneath really hurts. yes, i know i could just NOT pop them, but the lure is too great!
i am getting bombed with comment spam. i've gotten like 50 comment spams in the last two days. somebody show me how to put in that thing where you have to enter a code to proceed with posting a comment! pretty please?
ho hum. i went to sleep last night with wet hair, and now i look like a monchichi.
i wonder if i should wean myself off of sportscenter (in order to get me to fall asleep). why? because i won't have SC when i'm in europe!
ok, more later, perhaps. i've got some synthesis stuff to check up on.
sigh. another monday.
i don't like my greasy nose. i just wiped it off with the t-shirt i'm wearing, and i left two big smudges on the shirt. ick!
i remember freaking out once when i was a kid; i was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, and for whatever reason, i decided to squeeze my nose. and all this gunky shit came hurtling out, and man, i was traumatized. i told my dad about it, and he proceeded to squeeze his own nose in front of me, and the same gross thing happened! more trauma!
but then, many years later, biore came out. that shit was fun to play with! i think i still have a pack of it somewhere, and hopefully it hasn't expired or anything. maybe i'll biore my nose tonight and check out all the nasties that the paper pulls out.
i'm still thinking about 9-year crush girl. it was tough, not being able to talk to her, but then again, we haven't *seen* each other in 7 years, and we were never good friends, so it was nearly impossible to find a topic of conversation. sigh. but damn, she looked good. it's her face. and i can't put my finger on why that face looks so good to me...
but i am a little proud of myself for approaching michelle. we both sort of knew who each other were back in college, but never officially met. i saw her and a friend walk out of the club, and i went out to talk to them. it took a bit of nerve-gathering, but finally, i walked up to her and asked if her name was michelle. and she said yes, and we started talking. *bliss*
what's cool about her is that she smokes nat shermans! ah, high-brow smoker girl! i asked her if they were nats or sobranies, and she mentioned how she can't find the latter in any american stores. black russians are so elegant!
oh, and on the random note, one of the weekend nights, i dreamt that i was *underneath* a girl, and i was chewing on her ass. and i got embarrassed about it. but damn, her ass was a nice chew.
let's see... friday night, we had our pizza/movie night. we ordered three round table pizza's (maui zaui, king arthur's supreme, chicken garlic) and watched _the bourne identity_ to get prepped for the new movie coming out. we had like eight people over, so our living room was pretty crowded.
saturday, i had to get up relatively early (i.e. 9:30am), and five of us headed to the gilroy garlic festival. it took us TWO hours to get there, half of which was the horrible traffic getting off the 101.
it was blazingly hot.
anyways, there was a MULTITUDE of people there, and we walked around and looked for things to eat.. garlic bread, garlic mushrooms, ribs, garlic frieds, garlic corn, garlic pepper steak... and GARLIC ICE CREAM. it was free, so we all got a small cone of the soft serve. it was very surprising at first, but afterwards, i thought it was ok. but i don't know if i'd ever get it again. the some of the other people thought it was fucking disgusting.
afterwards, we hit the gilroy outlet malls and shopped for like three hours. everybody but me bought something. i dunno, but outlet malls never really appealed to me. maybe it's the thought that it's all the reject clothes that nobody wants, hehe.
we drove back around 7 and hit fusion, the restaurant in campbell. it was a good meal; i got this ass-kicking red curry lamb that jay said made me look like i was having an allergic reaction, i.e. red face, sniffling from all the spiciness.
after we got back, i got dressed and headed up to jerry's birthday party in the city. why did i go? to see that girl that i've had a crush on for the last 9 years. we spoke very briefly, which disappointed me, but damn, she is as beautiful as ever.
i actually spent the time talking to jason, michelle, and chung-man, in between chugging down two whiskeys. i admit to wallflowering a bit, though. that's the problem sometimes when you go to parties alone.
anyhoo, i drove back and got home at 1. so that means i was up and awake for about 16 hours, which is a record for me in the past months.
sunday, i woke up at noon, and went to sleep at 10. in between, i had two slices of leftover pizza, took a nap (yes, more sleep), saw _the bourne supremacy_, and ate a chicken fried steak at chili's (yes, it's beef).
yup. on fridays, we get free lunch here. that's the good news. the bad news was that the free lunch consisted of rather bland pasta, some nearly inedible sausage, shrimp (with heads! so i didn't touch them), and mussels (too much work). hm. i hope the food gets better next time, but then again, i shouldn't complain about free stuff, should i?
la de da...
this morning i got a bottle of gatorade, threw it up, and failed to catch it. it EXPLODED on the floor in this red bloody mess, and i had to clean it up. sigh. the unfortunate thing here is that i'll remember this incident, and i'll be tempted to throw/catch the next bottle of gatorade i get, which will potentially cause the same situation to happen all over again. damn this OCD!
anyways, work is chugging along fine. my main complaint here is that things weren't done better before i got here, like the flows and the methodologies and stuff. i had to create brand new synthesis scripts for certain modules, and they were sort of pain to do. oh well. i guess they don't pay me for nothin'!
movie night at our place today. we're watching _the bourne identity_ to prepare for the next installment of the movie which came out today. personally, i'm not so enthused; people clamor about how matt damon is such a hottie, but i really don't see it. if there's anything to be excited about, it would be the pizza that we're having tonight. oh, and the company, too. :)
i really hope we go to the party in the city tomorrow. jay informed me that this girl i've had a crush on for like 9 years is going to be flying out from nyc to be there. now if only i could figure out what to say to her... *blush*
but yeah. i first saw this girl in the kimball dining hall my junior year (when she was a sophomore). i was immediately struck by her beautiful face, and i've been hooked ever since. we became semi-acquaintances during my latter years at stanford, and one time, she even called me out of the blue when we both had graduated.
our conversation drifted to her being single, and she blurted out something like, "where is my knight in shining armor?" and i SO wanted to reply, "i will be that knight." but at the time, i had just gotten back together with k2, so there was no way i could have said that. but i wanted to. sigh.
since then, we haven't talked for a number of years, and it just makes me regret not being in the right situation, because i swear there was a small window of opportunity back then. double sigh.
so the new job involves a lot of cleaning up. sigh. i mean, right now, the synthesis work isn't so bad, but in the future, i've been told that i'll be taking over somebody else's blocks. somebody else who left the company a few months ago, and seemingly left a mess for me to fix. *RAAR*
i'm not looking forward to that. i'm not a very good engineer when i don't start something and finish it myself; i'm not good at taking over somebody else's stuff and fixing it. it's not as simple as like revising another person's essay, as you might be led to believe.
anyways, i haven't had lunch today (basketball once again took over my usual appetite), but i don't feel hungry. maybe it's the ice cream i had at 3. maybe it's (once again) the three soymilk drinks i've had, plus that dr pepper. we'll see how much weight i gain in a few weeks.
i've noticed that a decent number of people put their arms up (behind their heads) when they relax. why is that? why does that relax a person? the reason why i ask is because without that posture, i'd be a constantly ticcing machine. yup. often times, you'll see me in that configuration simply because when i'm in it, i don't tic as much. weird, huh?
the only problem with putting my arms up is 1) i can't type, thus i can't work when i'm like that and 2) i can smell my nasty armpits, especially after a basketball day like today (and without a shower!). i guess you can also add that i look funny, because sometimes i walk around like that.
anyhow, like i said, i can't wait until the weekend. and i sincerely hope that the coming weeks won't feel as long as this (yet unfinished) week has been.
man, i think i'm gonna get fat working here. we just had our monthly ice cream social, and i had about four scoops of the stuff (two each of vanilla and green tea). add to that the free soda, soy milk, and gatorade, and you've got me ingesting countless empty calories!
speaking of which, i'm gonna get a soy milk drink after i type this entry up. thank goodness it's SOY milk, and not regular milk, because i'd be getting the runs if i drank this much! haha
i am in bad shape, body-soreness wise. last night, ting was off at some _sex and the city_ finale party, and alan and i had burritos at los charros and went back and played several stages of gauntlet on his ps2. i was ticcing kind of badly the whole time, but this time, i wasn't ticcing to the right; i was ticcing to the left!
the gist of it is that now BOTH sides of my neck and shoulders hurt like a motherfucker. and i couldn't sleep off the soreness, either. shit. this is bad news, and not only that, it just sucks because that whole region hurts like no other. pain is a life-ruiner, i tell you. down with pain!
my body needs to reset itself somehow. which means i need to not tic for several days in order for the muscles to heal up. how to do that? i haven't a fucking clue. *RAAR* it used to be that i'd take a whole weekend off and just lie down the entire two days, and that would do the trick, but i did that a few months ago during one weekend, and it didn't help. hm.
anyways, i'm looking forward to the weekend. this has been one long week, my first 5 days at my new job. i get to work earlier, i leave later, and i just feel stressed out. i think we're hitting the gilroy garlic festival on saturday, and there's a potential party to go to up in the city that night that we're tentative on.
just... one more day...
here at the new company, there's a much better variety of free drinks. (snacks, by the way, are 25 cents each at the vending machine.) and i spied in my friend william's cube a small juice box that had chinese writing on it. it was white with blue lettering. i asked him what it was, and i discovered that it was a soy drink.
and now? i'm hooked on it! it doens't taste that good (kind of bland, actually), but i'm on my second box already, and i plan to consume at least one more this afternoon. and what else? it's good for me! lots of protein! hehe.
so the job is going ok. i'm doing entirely synthesis work, and it's sort of a pain in the ass, actually. there are so many weird issues that pop up when dealing with other people's code, and it just feels out of control sometimes. but hey, i'm not really complaining, except for the fact that i'm supposed to get it done by tomorrow, and there's probably no way that's gonna happen.
i'm starting to *really* like _outback jack_. not because of the hot girls (i don't think any of them are hot, except for laura who got booted off in the first episode), but i just like the show in and of itself. i'm not sure why, though. but i just have a lot of fun watching it.
my tics are very very bad. :(
this week has gone by very slowly. i can't believe it's only wednesday. because it *feels* like a thursday to me. maybe it's because i've been at work longer; i get in an hour earlier, and i leave around 7ish. which means i have been sleeping less, and it makes me more tired. oh well, i'll adjust.
one so-so aspect of this company is that it provides lunch in its own cafeteria. and it's like 25 cents an ounce or something like that, plus tax. the cost of my lunch today? $2.98. yup. that's hella cheap! i mean, the food wasn't fantastic or anything (today it was spicy pork, korean-style), and at least it'll be harder for me to justify skipping meals when i can get one for under $3 on-site.
so the new job is going ok so far. i've been given some synthesis work, which isn't too bad, although i haven't done this stuff in over four years.
but damn, my cube feels small. it's like a closet! and i get a little claustrophobic from time to time.
and the worst thing? i have to go down two flights of stairs and back whenever i have a cigarette break. yup. 52 steps each way (of course, going back up is the harder part)!!
the best thing? on certain days, they have free gatorade! woo-hoo!
but otherwise, i'm not in very good shape these days. it's the tics, as you could have guessed. i don't know why, but the haldol isn't really working at all, and i'm a twitchy ticcy mess. man, if this keeps up, i'll have to think about whether or not i'll be in shape to go to europe. especially with the heat and all! (heat makes me tic more.)
anyways, i've been slacking on my _time_ reading. i'm behind two weeks already, and i've resorted to only reading the articles that i want to read. even still, i'm behind, and i attribute that to my own laziness. sigh.
other than that, there's not much to report. i'm am, however, dreading getting a call from my old company asking me to fix something in the code that i left behind. shit, if that happens, i'll be totally stressed out, having to deal with TWO jobs at once. *crossed fingers*
oh, and i've been neglecting my eharmony match.
yesterday, when i got into work and logged on, the first thing (of course!) i did was to install my instant messaging programs. hehe. but even though i rarely chat with people, it makes me feel better to be able to see that i have friends on. is that weird?
somehow, my new job feels a bit like summer camp; it hasn't hit me that it's a semi-PERMANENT change.
fyi, here's a link (NOT SAFE FOR WORK) forwarded to me by eric.
it turned me on. A LOT. something about having sex in public (or, rather, in front of a hundred curious and eager girls) moves me. literally. :)
to do at the old place was to export my bookmarks. *RAAR*
whoops. i spent a while this morning hand-typing the URL's of the 20+ blogs i read. luckily, i got most of them right the first time.
but what about all the other bookmarks? sure, google is easy. cameltoe.org is easy. but there are some obscure ones that i've lost. fuck.
stupid me.
so friday night, jay and i had a late dinner at krung thai in palo alto, the first of my two thai dinners this weekend. it was good talking to him for a bit.
saturday morning, i met up with 4 of the spain/italy people at fook yuen (dim sum in millbrae). they're decent people, so i feel better about taking this trip with them. these four will be with me in spain during the 2nd leg of the trip; there will be three others that i will meet at the airport who will join us in italy.
after dim sum, i headed up to the city to see hr girl. we walked all the way from her place through chinatown to north beach. it was good seeing her again, and she noticed that i had lost weight! hehe.
during the whole time, though, i wasn't as chatty as i could have been, because i was all ticcy and stuff. arrgh. i really hope my tics get better.
after i got home, i met up with mike and had my second thai dinner of the weekend, this time at king of krung siam in mountain view. i didn't mind eating so much thai food because i haven't had it in months, and i like the stuff a lot. :) afterwards, we hit tea era and got their signature roasted barley pearl milk teas and chatted about relationships and girls and stuff.
sunday, i slept for something like 15 hours and woke up at 2pm. i watched some tv, took a nap (!) and then went to carol's going away party. it was a potluck, so i just brought capri sun and alcohol. i chatted with a few people, stayed for about two hours, and then went home just in time to see alan and ting roll in from the airport. we had dinner at hanamaru and went to bed.
c'est tout!
so my cube is packed. the posters are down. this is the last post i will write from this cube at gfn. to say the least, i feel a bit sad. *sigh*
change is always scary. how do you know if you'd made the right decision? that question is starting to haunt me.
anyways, if anything, i'm glad that my packing is done. it wasn't very fun; i had so much shit accumulated from the last 2.5 years! and each moment was a reminder that i'm about to leave a company that i have grown attached to.
but! it's the weekend! who wants to hang out?
the weather's getting hot. soon, i will leave my current setup of 3 layers of blankets and go to the thinner two. in the mornings, i have noticed that i'm waking up a bit sweaty. ick. comfortable, but sweaty.
part of the dramatic side of me wants to broadcast my blog address to the coworkers i'll be leaving. but yeah, after second thought, i'm not going to do that; better to keep professional relationships professional. but i just thought it would be nice if they had a chance to keep up with my life, that's all.
while cleaning out my computer, i looked all the shit i've put on this computer in my cube. all of my blog pictures are (were) on here! not to mention a lot of music i had downloaded. and one thing i'll miss is alex's "for twee folks" radio broadcast from two summers ago. yeah, i had to delete it because i didn't have enough space on my website to ftp it. :( i'll miss hearing alex's voice.
*sigh*
wow. i can't believe i'm leaving. i'm a big champion of stasis (not that i don't admit that change is sometimes good for you), and i'm not sure i'm ready for this departure. but in any case...
adieu! fare thee well, gfn!
well, i think i can say that i'm officially done with work here at gfn. it feels good, and it's sort of sad, too, in a masochistic way, that i won't be slaving away in front of this computer anymore.
my coworkers have organized a going-away lunch for me tomorrow. i sort of don't want the big hoopla surrounding my departure, but i'll take it with a smile, i guess. :)
for lunch today, i skipped basketball (my left hurts anyway) and went home to see alan. it's probably the last time i'll see him before he and ting leave for the weekend. sigh. it was the only time i've seen my roommate, and that sort of makes me sad.
anyways, i'm looking forward to the weekend. it's a big one for me because it's the only time off i have between jobs, so i BETTER make good use of my time and rest up! but aside from some R&R, i'm having dim sum with the spain/italy group, going up to the city to hang out with hr girl, and attending a going away party for carol.
last night, i had dinner with ting at the peninsula creamery at the stanford shopping center. i haven't hung out with her (just us two) in a long time, so it was refreshing. she chided me for being too picky about women, and i didn't have much to respond to that. why? because i AM! i can't refute what isn't false, you know. :)
anyways...
so we also talked about growing to like someone, i.e. attraction. but the thing is, i have never gone out with someone who i wasn't instantly attracted to upon first meeting. call me superficial, but i need good looks to be interested in someone. sigh. i'm so shallow!
i've been using this desonide cream on my face to combat the eczema. i remember that i got it a few years ago during another bout of the skin condition. the expiration date on the ointment? march 2004. hm. i hope it's still good, and it doesn't make things worse. no one wants a scarred face!
yup.
*phew* i'm done coding for the day. it took about 3.5 hours to code and verify, and that's the hardest i've worked (i.e. be engaged in serious thought) in a while.
anyways... the guys at work want to throw me a going-away lunch. i'm sort of against it. i know it's a nice gesture, but i just feel a bit guilty for leaving. it's sort of like breaking up with a girl, like i gave up on the relationship or something. :(
damn, my right shoulder hurts from my tics. i am considering getting acupuncture, even though i am deathly afraid of needles. *shiver* yes, i know acupuncture isn't supposed to hurt, but still... the thought of it makes me cringe.
what's on tv on a wednesday?
you know what restaurant i wish they had in the bay area? long john silver's! that deep-fried breading is so fucking good. i was reminded of ljs when i was watching tbs (which i guess is based in atlanta or something?), and they had a commercial for the place.
alan's coming home tonight! that's the good news. the bad news is that i'll be in bed when he finally gets home from SFO, and he and ting leave tomorrow for denver for a wedding. sigh. i miss my roomie!
i'm sort of ancy about meeting the potential spain/italy travellers on saturday. they all seem to know each other, and i'll definitely be the odd person out. if the chemistry is bad, then i might have to bail on the trip. :( i wonder if i should tell them straight i have TS so they don't freak out when i tic.
what was the nationality of long duc dong? it sounds chinese to me, but yesterday, they were playing the song "turning japanese" and saying it was in homage to the dude. *ponder*
sigh. in the middle of coding hell right now. the project lead dropped this bomb on monday. *RAAR* he jokes that he is on my black list, but... hrmph.
i am starting to really enjoy _outback jack_, this silly reality dating show that features an australian guy and a bunch of prissy city girls. i mean, it's a BAD show, but it just makes me laugh. the girl he eliminated last night had really ODD-looking boobs. i mean, the separation (cleavage) was just too wide; oddly enough, they looked like aboriginal boobs, you know, the ones you see in national geographic.
so i got my massage yesterday (not to mention a haircut and a garlic burrito). triple whammy of goodness! the weird thing about massages is that i don't tic. not a single one. i don't know what it is, maybe it's the fact that i'm lying down comfortable, or that i'm actively being relaxed and rubbed in good ways, but my brain has no desire or need to tic. and that's a wonderful thing.
of course, today, i'm back to my ticcy self, and life sucks all over again.
we had indian food at the company today. they were celebrating some important milestones, so they ordered food in for a free lunch. despite only eating a little bit, i got some mild food coma afterwards.
which reminds me... who out there gets sex comas? you know, after sex, you feel all sleepy and stuff? i used to get that all the time; in the early days of having sex frequently, there was one time where she and i stayed in bed until 5pm. you know, we would romp, then sleep, then wake up and romp again, etc. those were the days. hehe.
good times.
man, so i'm stressed about this work i have to finish up. i've allotted today for one of the code changes, and tomorrow for another code fix i have to do. and that leaves friday for packing up my cube and taking care of some final things before i leave. rush rush!
so it's only tuesday, but i'm feeling fretful because i have so much shit to do at work before i leave. damn the timing! damn the timing!
that said, i think i'm gonna take off work a little early to get a haircut. :)
my stomach's rumbly. i skipped lunch today after basketball, and now, i'm feeling the craving for food.
last night was one of those sad nights where i didn't encounter a single live soul. i went to bed around 9:30, and ting wasn't even home yet. add to that the fact that alan's in boston, that means poor me didn't get to talk to anyone. sigh.
how many of you couples out there shower with each other? i think that's one of the best perks of being in a relationship. it's such innocent (and not-so-innocent) fun! i try to introduce it as early into the relationship as possible, and so far, i've had good results.
the problem with my current shower stall is, though, that it's a little too small. which makes for cramped quarters, which may not be such a terrible thing. but ideally, i'd like to have a big shower with two showerheads; if i ever designed a house, that would be one of my first things to put in.
anyways... it seems everyone here at work now knows i'm leaving. it's sort of a weird feeling, not unlike being a soon-to-be-departing ghost. when i bump into people, they sometimes give me this dissatisfactory look, sort of like, "i know you're going, so whatever." *shrug*
ok. i'm going to scavenge the kitchen. there's gotta be a cup o' noodles or something in there.
shit, man. i was in meetings from 1:30 all the way until 6pm today. it turns out i have some MORE changes to do due to oversights in the spec. fuck! i was looking forward to having a nice, pleasant final week here at work before i leave. but it seems like fate would have it another way.
anyways, not much going on today. alan's gone for basically the whole week, and ting (my new roommate!) will be gone starting thursday. so i guess it's a lot of me-time for this workweek. sigh. i wish the weekend were here already.
well, i got a match from eharmony over the weekend. i'm not sure how much stock (i.e. how "compatible" we are) to take in the match, but i'm going along with their cheesy communication forms and stuff. basically, she asked me to answer five questions, and i did the same, and now we're sharing our "loves and hates" lists. yeah, i know, cheesy.
i just want to know what she looks like already!
i need a haircut. badly. it's that time of the month.
oh, and i broke down at yoshinoya's today and had beef. i'm getting weaker and weaker as time goes on. next stop, in and out burger! either that or a sourdough jack. :/
um, yeah.
fyi, i *have* lost 30 pounds. i just don't have any pictures of my recent self yet. but believe me, last christmas i weighed in at one point (naked) at 202 pounds. and the other day, i hit 169. so that's a drop of 33 pounds! woot! some of my clothes feel loose, and like i said, i can see my pubes and schlong when i look straight down in the shower. yay!
*looks around*
*sigh*
ok. i'm off. it was a long day today, and i have lots of work to do the rest of this week. toodles!
let's see... friday night i went up to the city with adam and rae for the hyphen magazine 1st anniversary party. the theme was "swing to bling" whatever that means, but it did mean that i did some swing dancing (which i suck at) with this girl named grace. nothing much happened there, because, well, i suck! :)
i saw my friend aileen there, and i talked to her for a while. and there was this cool beatbox dude who made these amazing sounds from his mouth. but aside from that, the party was only so-so. they didn't even have jameson!
saturday, ting woke my ass out of bed, and we went to... stacks! yup. i had expressed a wish to go there, and it was fulfilled. i had a bacon avocado omelet and 3/4's of a banana wheat germ pancake. yum. AND i saw mr. orkut himself!
afterwards, we went to look at some houses for alan, and then i took a nap. we hit the mall looking for a birthday present for margaret, and we came up with a massage kit. margaret's birthday dinner was at masa's sushi (not the super-expensive masa's i took k4 to), and afterwards we went over to their place for some tiramisu cake and half of _scary movie 3_, which was horrible.
sunday was a nice boring uneventful day. i woke up at 1:30, watched a little tv, took a nap, and then had dinner with peter and his medical gang at three seasons in PA. and that was it! yup. easy breezy.
so more and more people are finding out that i'm leaving. it's funny how to approach me about it... they're always like timid and stuff, and say something like, "i heard a rumor..." dammit, it ain't no rumor! :)
anyways, today is going by really slowly. i had dim sum with some of the old vivace guys (adam, rahul, maureen, wilson). it was good to see them again. it makes me think about when i leave this company... i'll miss the people. *sobs* i mean, the people here are nice, and i've developed some semi-decent friendships in the past 2.5 years, and i'll be sad to go.
so. it seems that adam has convinced me to go to a party tonight up in the city. my major doubt about that is that it's a SWING party, and i don't really swing. i mean, i know *how* (a little bit), but it's not like i'm just going to grab a random girl and ask her to dance. i'd rather sit in a booth and drink myself silly. we'll see what happens. but i need to get out.
ugh. i'm still burping up my dim sum lunch.
oh, and no more bloody stools. i just get that randomly from time to time; not sure what causes it.
i wanna go home and take a nap!
oh yeah. yesterday, i spent 45 minutes and filled out the eharmony personality profile. it was fucking LONG! and in the end, they said, "there are no matches which fit your profile." what the fuck? toss me a frickin' bone here! i felt gipped.
it seems like my tics are getting worse. i'm on 1.5mg of haldol (up from 1mg), and you'd think that things would get better... but no. *sigh* i need to find some ways to decompress in order to prepare for spain/italy. if i'm still ticcy as all hell, then i'm not going.
happy friday!
some fucking bastard egged my car! doesn't that totally fuck up the paint?!
and in addition to that, just had a bloody dump. i sharted in my pants when i was outside, and when i went to the bathroom to check, blood started squirting out of my ass. ick. AND i soiled my boxers. grody stuff, dude.
my boss left for china today for two weeks. so this was the last time i see him before i leave the company. *sobs* he's a good guy, and leaving the company was sort of like letting him down. even up until yesterday, he was trying to convince me to stay.
i like wearing shorts at work. it's so much cooler (temperature-wise) than wearing jeans. and besides, i need to give my jeans a break; my mavi's (which i pretty much wear exclusively) have been wearing out due to heavy use; i've had to take them to the tailors to get the ass rips patched up.
speaking of ass ripping, are there women who enjoy anal sex more than the regular kind?
hehe. i was going to ask what anal sex feels like, but it turns out, i'm a man, and *i* can experience it for myself, eh? :) not sure if i'll ever get the chance to do it, though, and i'm not even sure if i *want* to find out. it's sort of like doing heroin; the curiosity's there, the (very remote) chance is there, but i'm not sure if i would go through with it.
i've lost a lot of weight. over 30 pounds! it really hit me last night when i was in teh shower, and i could learn back, look straight down, and see my pubic tufts. yes, i had a stomach *that* big when i was over 200 pounds. but now? my pubes are in plain sight! *huzzah*
i miss boobs.
man, i am just feeling really down right now. i got a call from one of my mom's best friends this morning, and she told me that my mom wasn't doing too well. that i know, but the severity of the situation (i.e. her friend calling me for an emergency chat) really took me for a loop.
sigh. i feel for my mom. she's going through a bout of serious depression right now, and having been there myself, i know how hard it is to see any silver lining in life. i wish i could help her, but...
on top of that, my brother's leaving for college, my dad's finding a job in china most likely... what is my mom to do? she's going through a serious empty nest syndrome, and worst of all, my dad's not around for her. ARRGH.
i hate seeing my mom suffer. :(
we got scammed during lunch today at this local chinese restaurant. the waiter was like, "oh, if you eat family style, you'll get free rice, fried rice, salad, and soup." but what he didn't tell us was that "family style" meant a la carte prices instead of luncheon special prices. *RAAR* biatch!
la de da.
i spent the afternoon doing documentation on my programmable registers. woo-hoo. i HATE documentation, but of course, i know that it's desperately needed, especially since i'm leaving the company.
anyways, it still hasn't hit me that i'm leaving yet. at night, sometimes i wake up with a startle, when the thought that i'll be at a different company hits me. but then, i sweep the disturbing thought under the rug and go back to sleep. i guess i'll deal with the change when it finally hit. i'm not looking forward to packing up my cube; as much as i hated my job here sometimes, i'll miss the people.
sorry for the whiny mess that is the previous entry; i just haven't been "myself" lately, and those of you reading blog can readily tell that. and ever since my tics came back, i just haven't been chipper, random, and fun. and it really disturbs me.
italy/spain is slowly creeping up on me. if i'm still ticcy, i might have to back out. *shiver* that long plane flight to and from europe is really daunting. i just can't sit still these days and *not* tic. that's why meals are so difficult for me, because i have to do exactly that: sit still. and i can't even begin to imagine what a 10+ hour plane flight will do to me. maybe i should stock up on knockout drugs or something. somebody chloroform me!
BUT. if i am well enough to go. the jaunt through europe will be quite fun, methinks. i am looking forward to taking pictures again. and hopefully the company (which i still haven't met yet) will be nice, too. (we're meeting up for the first time in a few weeks at dim sum in millbrae; i hope the people are cool.)
and one of the perks at the new place, fyi, is that i get 18 days of vacation instead of just 10 here. *huzzah* now, if i would only find people to go with to various places i've been wanting to visit.
these days i feel like i'm at the mercy of all these external forces. i don't feel like i have any *control* over my life. what do i want to do? what am i meant to do? i have no clue. i just let life pull me along. and that kills my soul.
i woke up today with the rude realization that i am a really boring person now. i say "now" because i used to be interesting, in my own estimation. i had quirks, i had hobbies, i had a *personality*. and shit, i had things to SAY. but now? nothing. i've become a shadow.
man. how did things get to this point?
*ponder*
a shadow. these days, i am just a tired boring old man, at the ripe age of 28. maybe i should go on antidepressants again. what was spooky about that was that when i was on the happy pills, i would be so excited about the next day that i wouldn't be able to sleep. weird, huh?
i need a change. but the most frustrating thing is that i don't know what that involves or how to do it. arrgh!
wow, i feel jittery right now. don't know what's wrong, but i feel like my skin is crawling. ouch!
so i'm upping my dosage of haldol from 1 to 1.5mg. i hope this reduces my tics; i actually ran out of haldol this past friday, and i've noticed that i've been ticcing more without the medication. *RAAR*
i'm wearing shorts at work! woo-hoo! it was supposed to get up to 90 degrees (inland) today, so jeans would have been uncomfortable. and yes, the office has AC, but i'm talking about when i go out for lunch and my cig breaks.
for lunch, three of us went to maruichi, this semi-new japanese noodle place on castro. i got the "kuro" (black) ramen, and i accidentally splashed some of the dark soup on my white polo when i dropped a piece of egg back into the bowl. ick. remind me never to wear white again. sheesh.
i wouldn't order the kuro ramen again, though... it tasted burnt. next time i'll try something else.
anyways... it actually *is* kind of warm in the office. ugh. heat is my pms! now i'm all itchy and stuff.
the girl who came after me at my psych's office was sort of hot. but then again, since she's seeing a psych, she might have some major problems (like me). ha!
i like pink nipples over brown ones.
here's a report on the sad state of my laziness... i set the alarm for 9:00, thinking i'd be a good boy and get up at 9:30 and grab breakfast at mcd's. what time did i actually get out of bed? 10:15. sigh. yes, i snoozed almost 10 times.
i'm gonna have to get used to waking up earlier at my new job. i know you'll kick me when i say this, but i have to be in by 10. shit, i haven't done that regularly in years!
you know that i have stayed away from beef because of BSE. well, this weekend, i broke down.
friday night, we had a quick dinner at mcd's. and i had a... BIG MAC. yep. i had been craving one in a long time, and i finally caved in and got one. it wasn't as good as i had remembered, though.
saturday, i went to greg and john's picnic in the sun at las palmas park in sunnyvale. i pretty much lounged around the whole time, but i did fit in two volleyball games and a quick game of ultimate frisbee, which was pretty intense. i like the sport, but there is a bit too much running. :)
oh, and among the things i ate at the picnic was a hot dog. yes, beef.
i went home at around 6 or so and just vegged in front of the tv for the rest of the night. what did i have for dinner? meat lasagna (wah, beef)!
sunday, i lounged around (what did you expect?) and watched takeru kobayashi stuff in 53.5 hot dogs (WITH buns!) in 12 minutes. quite a sight, i must way. i also watched vh1's reunite-the-band show featuring berlin. i was kind of a touching show because i could relate to it, i.e. a group playing music together (a la taiko).
alan and ting came back later that afternoon, and i was glad they made it back from backpacking in one piece. we hit up outback steakhouse, where i had a burger (ah, beef again!) and watched _spiderman 2_, which i didn't quite like, although i admit it was better than the first one. and the kirsten dunst nipple shot wasn't as good this time around.
and then, monday, i woke up at noon, watched some stuff on espn (pti!) and then headed over to geoff's birthday bash at greg and john's place. i was mostly sedate the whole time, eating some cake, incessantly watching people play puzzle fighter, and i went home around 6ish. alan cooked some pork chops and bok choy, and that was it for the long weekend.
too short!
phew! i'm mostly done with testing, and there were no bugs from the get-go! WOOT!
hopefully this is the last bomb before i leave the company. *crossed fingers*
anyways, i'm excited to taste breast milk. someday, i shall. i'll nuzzle in my wife's bosom, pucker my lips, and drink away. sweetness galore!
so it turns out i didn't go to the city last night. i hope aileen did well in her band's debut.
other than that, not much to talk about today. i want to leave work early, but i think we have a company meeting later on this afternoon. but hell, half the company isn't here anyway, so maybe i can disappear too.
i'm not feeling well from lunch, though. we went to this ghetto chinese restaurant, and i got this general's chicken that was really nasty. someone remind me to never go there again. (yes, you can blame me for ordering something called "general's chicken.")
i feel restless. i wanna get out of here.
anyways, this long weekend, i'll be without any meds. it might get interesting, in a negative way. meaning, i might start ticcing more and more until i explode. yikes! (my next psych appointment is on tuesday afternoon.)
stupid tics.
oh shit. i just realized that even though i fixed the front half of the block i was working on, the back half will mess up under certain conditions. *RAAR*
but you know what? fuck it. i will deal with it on tuesday.
so, what *does* breast milk taste like? cantaloupe juice?
i am happy to report that my coding is for the most part done. i know, it didn't take long, but a lot of thought and anxiety went into it, so you might not see all the stuff building up to the six registers and six wires i added. *flex* i'll test it tomorrow.
but, i still don't have anyone to go with to the city! and i'm NOT going by myself to a party... *sigh* WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME???
i need to get out. see some faces. meet some new people. my life is fucking stagnant. dude.
it's times like these when i'm inclined to go speed dating again.
i missed my psych appointment today. fuck. they're gonna charge me for missing it, and on top of that, i will run out of my haldol medication tomorrow night. shit.
as far as tics go, i'm doing ok, but the tics are still kind of bad. the worst times for me are when i have to sit still, which makes meals the WORST. and what sucks about meals is that they're inherently social activities, and usually i'm just sitting there quietly, ticcing about and fretting over the next one. *RAAR*
so alan lost out on his bid on a townhouse in MV. i'm sort of bummed for him; he was so excited last night!
speaking of that living situation, does anyone want to live with me when alan moves out? i'm sort of fretting over that, too, i.e. the whole moving thing or looking for a roommate thing. i want to stay where i am, but i have to admit, rent *is* high.
sigh. life is complicated, isn't it? so many decisions!
so do lactating women soil their tops?
so fyi, i accepted the offer yesterday. it felt good.
except.
i have all this shit to do to wrap up my work here at the current company. the CTO gave me this guilt trip about not staying through july, but there's just no way i can keep the new company waiting that long. sigh. i think i just burned a bridge here.
anyways, argh!
i just want to make it to the long weekend. you know, relax a bit before headed back to the grind.
i feel a bit sick, though. i went to pasta pomodoro (yes, 3rd time in like 2.5 weeks) for lunch, and i got this creamy gemelli pasta. i think it was *too* creadmy, because my stomach is all queasy now. cream is a dangerous substance!
i'm debating whether or not to go up to the city tonight (yes, i know it's a thursday) to see a friend's band perform. i've never gone up there on a thursday before, because, well, i have to WORK the next day! but... you know, carpe diem and all that. what do i have to lose?
*sigh* life is stressful.
yes, i know that my camera-cam picture is very VERY old, but you have to know, i never do my hair on workdays. and because i look stupid with my pseudo-bowlcut (when it's not gelled up), i am reluctant to post up any new pictures. we'll see. one of these days...
hm, i just talked to yuji, and it seems he can't go up to the city tonight. drat! it's my fault for not reminding him about it. *bonk*
in any case, i better get back to (starting) coding. i need to get this shit done.