twenty-five seconds of silence

cuddlebitch, again

so i was watching _the real world_ on tuesday night, and one of the guys, randy, had a female friend visiting. they weren't in a relationship or anything, but they still slept in the same bed and made out and stuff. and after a few days, she left.

hm. on one hand, that sounds like a nice situation, just to have a warm body around to mess around with.

but on the other hand, i'm not sure i could do that. i'd invariably get attached and want something more of a commitment.

i have only had one experience where i hooked up with a friend, and as expected, i was very torn about it. i wanted us to be an "item," but she didn't. so i just got very confused when we were kissing and cuddling and stuff. and in the end, i think i just got used. :(

but still... having a cuddle bitch does sound nice sometimes... *shrug*

hiatus from work

so yeah, starting yesterday, i took off the next three days to make it a 6-day reprieve from work.

what did i do yesterday? i slept until 1:30pm, went back to work (just to pay some bills), and then slept from 3:30 to 6:30. then, i helped adam shoot a commercial (obesum!) for a school project.

man, acting is hard. it just didn't feel natural to be plugging a product with persoanl testimonials that weren't mine. hm. i hope i did a good enough job for adam.

when i got home, it was time to watch the 2-hour finale of _american idol_. not much to say, except congratulations to fantasia barrino. i wouldn't buy her cd, though. i just like seeing john stevens again. :)

so yaeh, i'm bored at home. there's not much to do. actually, there's *nothing* to do, but that's what i need right now. i need to just chill out, and hopefully, by tuesday, i'll be a little better. *crossed fingers*

how low can you go?

situation no win
rush for the change of atmosphere
i can`t go on so i give in
gotta get myself right outta here

what a blue day. sorry folks, but i don't have much positivity to impart on you guys.

this weekend should be fun, though (that is, if i'm in any shape to partake in the fun). shoji, emi and gwen are staying at my place for the big collegiate taiko invitational at stanford. if you're free sunday afternoon, go check out the concert at 2:30!

*sigh*

the best thing about so low is... it's hard to get any lower. how's THAT for positivity? bwekekeke.

it's all relative, man. all. relative.

*tic*

adieu, american idol

so tonight is the last episode of _AI_. this is the first time i've followed the show, and i have to say, despite the semi-early departure of john stevens, i enjoyed the ride.

and yeah, diana degarmo still freaks me out.

the rest is just for my notekeeping.
1. soul - leah
2. country - matt
3. motown - amy
4. elton john - camille
5. soundtracks - jpl
6. barry manilow - jennifer
7. gloria estefan - john stevens
8. big band - george
9. disco - la toya
10. 3 choices - jasmine

affliction

this is *my* tourette's. i own it. and lately, it has been owning *me* instead. but i have to remember, this is my affliction, and i have to do the best in keeping it in check.

so with that said, i have gotten the ball rolling on seeking some time off and maybe changing jobs. it's not totally *rolling* yet, but at least i gave it a nudge today.

i know it's sort of a no-brainer, but health really *is* the most important thing we can have. without it, we are fucking useless heaps of scrap. and i gotta do what's best for me. me and my health.

exit

i am so unhappy right now. tics abound like mad fucking crazy, my neck and shoulders throb with pain, and today, the CTO strolls into my cube and tells me of his latest and greatest (i.e. crazy) idea for this switch fabric interface, which just means... lots of work and redesign for me.

i need an exit.

i need an exit.

so last night, my old boss jo calls me up and asks me if i want to go back and work for him on a new (and cool) project.

so my dream plan is... to take it, along with whatever salary boost i get (i haven't gotten a raise in 3 years, i am bound to make more at this new position), and in between jobs, take 2 weeks off to recuperate and do nothing.

sounds like an exit strategy? i think so.

but damn, life is eating away at me, and i need a fucking break. i don't remember the last time i smiled, and that's making me so sad.

a church girl

oh, one thing i forgot to mention was that during before the dido concert, the music was mostly morcheeba sprinkled with a few beastie boys instrumentals. dido has good taste in background music! *cheer*

so has anybody seen _shrek 2_? is it worth watching? the only movie that i'm looking forward to is the _harry potter_ one. why? hermione, of course! she's a-growin' up to become a real woman! bwekekeke.

no, really. _the prisoner of azkaban_ was my favorite one of the three books that i read. (i haven't read the latest two.)

on sunday afternoon, i talked to my mom. she came up with a serious plan for me to meet a girl... going to church. yep. it was a rather uncomfortable part of the conversation, especially when she asked if i felt the presence of the lord back during that year that i went to church with her in high school. i think i gave a grunt and changed the subject.

but yeah, if i dated a religious girl, she'd have to be a closet perv. :)

no prudes allowed!

the truth of the matter is...

...my tics are killing me. every week, i think it can't get worse, then WHAM-O! it does. those of you who actually saw me this weekend could probably tell that i was not the usual, gregarious self that i used to be. instead, i smoke more, i don't say as much, i have all these weird poses where my arm is behind my back or on my head, etc. and most of all, i tic more.

life really sucks these days.

sunday, i slept until noon, and the truth is, i could have stayed in bed much, much longer, had peter not come over. i could have spent the entire day lying down and not cared.

ho hum.

dido, revisited

i'm not a big lyrics person. and besides that, i'm really dense when it comes to interpresting them. so one thing that i really like is when the artists introduce songs and tell us what they're about.

for example, "take my hand," according to dido was written during her teen years after her first experience with sex. cool.

and "don't leave home," (which i previously wrote a [lost] entry about) is NOT about love. rather, it's about addiction, which was a relief, because my old blog entry was about how WRONG the lyrics were had they been about a real love relationship.

and my favorite was "hunter." it's about being single again.

i want to be a hunter again
want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go.

awesome. and i especially like the fact that she equates a single person to being a "hunter." go, hunt, go!

baby, dido, insomnia, rest

let's see... saturday, we had a mini gavilan reunion at jack's house in east bay... we finally got to see his baby anthony, who was cute and all. dave and carolyn were in town from LA for kathy's graduation, so it was good to see them. my only gripe was that i had to leave earlier than i wanted to because of the concert.

ah, yes. the dido concert. it was pretty good, despite the echo-y acoustics of the place. here's a partial playlist:

1. stoned
2. here with me
4. life for rent
5. hunter
6. isobel
9. don't leave home
12. take my hand
13. mary's in india
14. thank you
15. sand in my shoes
16. white flag

encore:
3. see the sun

the thing was, though, that the concert wasn't that interesting to watch. dido didn't really *do* much except prance around slightly and gesticulate a bit. so i don't know if i'd see her again, except at a smaller, hopefully acoustic venue.

there were, however, cool percussionists playing; there were two people that were completely surrounded by percussion instruments like cymbals and bongos and things that i can't name.

that night, though, i got into bed around 1, and i couldn't fall asleep until 4am. i attribute this to not having sportscenter to watch. *RAAR*

and sunday, i didn't do much except rest. woke up, took a nap, and then peter came over. we went to grab some taco bell (my cheesy gordita crunch was thick and nasty), and headed over to valley fair mall for a bit. and after that, i came back, took another nap, and watched the wolves trash the lakers and the _alias_ finale.

speaking of _alias_... WHAT A CLIFFHANGER! so now i'm all terribly intrigued by the ending. and i'll have to wait until next season to find out what happened! *RAAR*

irregular

hm. disturbing news. i might make it through the day without taking a dump.

damnit!

I WANT TO BE REGULAR!

congrats to dishi for graduating this weekend and becoming a high-powered attorney!

ok. that is all, folks.

more thoughts on porn

so my friend C (a girl) asked me today why porn turns men on. honestly, i have never thought about that in depth. i just thought that men are more easily visually stimulated, and the sight of people having sex just naturally gives them hard-ons.

that said, skin mags don't really do anything for me. i think it's the process of sex that interests me, and not a frozen-time snapshot of it. for that reason, reading the sex stories is more titillating than looking at the pictures.

but C asked, "do you imagine yourself as the men?" i thought about it later, and maybe i do. at least, sometimes i think about how this or that (i.e. a blowjob) would feel on me. and for some weird reason, i like porn when the guy is a black dude with a huge schlong. maybe it's because i imagine myself as them, the pinnacle of virility? *shrug*

however, the voyeuristic part of peeking at people having sex does not turn me on. actually, i don't view porn as being voyeuristic at all, because it's so OUT there in plain view, like you're not peeking through a telescope into some random couple's bedroom.

i'm pretty picky when it comes to porn, though. i like only heterosexual couples mainly (threesomes and more seem like too much distraction, and lesbian sex doesn't do much for me at all), and there are only certain positions that turn me on. and sex with a condom? a girl with an ugly face? fuggedaboudit.

friday randoms

almost time to go home. i can't wait!

today, some of the coworkers who flew in from bangalore, india, are leaving. they worked here for a few months, and now are going back to india. we had a going-away lunch, and in some way, i felt sort of sad. i think it has to deal with the fact that sometimes your life crosses paths with certain people, and then you'll never see them again. it's not like i was close to these coworkers, but... yep. so farewell, vasanth, srinivasan, and madhu!

of course, in terms of people i'll likely never again, i'll definitely miss br girl and stripper girl shannon more. :)

br girl... wow, that was almost a year and a half ago. i wonder what she's up to. man, i thought she was beautiful. i still wonder, though, if my stalking her was the reason why left banana republic in the first place. :(

last night, i came back from a dinner with the taiko alumni peeps and found alan, peter and ting watching _you got served_. hm. i sort of enjoyed the dancing stuff, but the dialogue was just so homie-wannabe! *shrug*

the movie reminded me of a time when we were in roppongi (japan) at this club called buzz. and my friend taizo started this dance-off in the middle of the floor. and this guy decked head to toe in fila equipment just busted out what seemed like a pre-choreographed dance routine. it was cool, but when he did it the 2nd and 3rd time, it wasn't as impressive.

ah, japan. good times. although, during my 6-month stay there, i frequently got lonely. and bored. and alienated. but i guess as time goes by, the bad memories sort of fade, leaving only the good ones. funny how our minds work like that. what's to keep it from going the other way, leaving all the horrible memories instead?

maybe it's a defense mechanism against negativity dominating our brain, i.e. we need to survive, so we block out the bad stuff more easily. hm. seems like a good psych experiment in the making.

tease

have you seen that gap commercial where this semi-attractive girl peels off layers and layers of colored tank tops?

i think it's a fucking tease.

it's sort of like a miniature version of hell, whereby a nubile keeps taking off her clothes and never gets naked.

*RAAR*

stumbling upon porn

hehe. i'm IM'ing a friend, and apparently she went to what i'm guessing is a combo dvd/cd player, and just pressed play. and what popped up?

her boyfriend's porn video!

BWAHAHAHA.

she was mesmerized for a while (i.e. i got little response on IM). she claims she was not turned on, but instead reiterated how large the penis in the video was. long. thick. penis!

i wonder if she's going to look for his stash of porn now. i mean, if you're a girl, and you're going out with a guy, wouldn't YOU be curious about what kind of porn he watches? does he like big saggy breasts? anal sex videos? menages? bukkake and tekoki? you could learn all sorts of stuff about a guy's sexual taste by perusing his collection!

still, i am convinced that many women find porn fascinating, although i think it's more of the novelty of it because they're not exposed to it as often as guys are. just a theory.

bereft of words

i don't have much to say these days. i've been sitting in front of this window for a while now, and all that comes to mind is some didactic shit like, "appreciate your sanity" or some crap like that.

but really. for those of you without nervous/mental disorders, you should count your fucking blessings. because sanity is totally precious.

90 minutes until my massage. totally looking forward to it.

other than that, i have nothing positive to say. but it looks like i'll be hanging out with some taiko people tonight. that'll be fun.

hm. dido concert. i'm not a big fan of her new album. but i'm thinking about t-shirts. why? because i always get a t-shirt at every concert i go to! so the question is: is there such thing as a MANLY dido t-shirt? or should i go the complete opposite way and get pink one (if they have them)?

hm. the money for that shirt might be a waste. for example, i have a green longsleeve sarah mclachlan t-shirt, and it's all pretty and stuff, but i just never wear it. in fact, the last time i wore it was for paintball (jack's bachelor party, years ago) because it was the only green (i.e. pseudo-camouflage) item that i owed. man, i got shot up real good that day. can you say subdermal hematoma? welts galore!

thursday randoms

i pulled my right hamstring during basketball today. AND, we lost all of our games, like six of them. how pathetic. i can't play defense worth a ball of rotten smegma. sigh.

and yes, i know mike montgomery (our esteemed men's basketball coach at stanford) is leaving. fucking rats. well, the bitter side of me says: maybe now we can get a coach who can get us past the 2nd round of the ncaa tournament. ha! (sorry monty, i'm just pissed you're leaving. good luck at golden state!)

sigh.

so it *is* the xanax that's making me tired. i didn't take my usual 0.50mg today, and i didn't fall asleep after basketball. the downside is, of course, that i had to deal with being awake for another 45-60 minutes instead of taking my usual nap.

i swear, consciousness is hell right now. my tics are killing me, and i'm just wondering how i'm going to sit through the dido concert this saturday. that is, sit through without ticcing all over the place and pissing people off. *RAAR*

damn, i need some pot. yes, i have been toying with the idea of getting some pot to deal with my tourette's. the only question now is how i'm going to get it through legal channels (yes, yay for california!). plus, i need a pipe or a bong. hm. a trip to the haight anyone? :)

anyhow, i'm getting a massage today. $40 for a nice 30-minute session of rubbing and kneading. a conscious reprieve from life. that'll be nice.

fuck. just got more comment spam just now. what the hell.

nostril follicles

i just pulled out a centimeter-long nose hair. with my BARE FINGERS. (yes, it hurt.)

i wonder if i should stop plucking nose hairs. what if the pore clogs up, and i get this big internal zit in my nostrils? that'll be hard to pop! not to mention how much it would hurt!

*ponder*

romping with canines

found twice today:

"picture of a dog having sex"

don't ask me why, but i assume the person was looking for a dog having sex with a HUMAN. strange assumption, no?

anyways, a few months ago, i found a clip of a woman letting her big german shepherd-esqe dog hump her. and hump her good. she would sit there naked on her bed, and dog would come bounding up to her, and the romping would commence.

what i don't get is... how do you a train a dog to recognize a woman as a viable sexual target, in terms of inter-species sex? and how does the dog know where the woman's vagina is? is the recognition of a "fuckable hole" a universally imprinted instinct? *ponder*

anyways... i'm all for loving your pets, but this... hm.

contact

i like the sound of human voices. forget about being touch-starved, at the very least, we shouldn't be *conversation-starved*. maybe that's why i read so many blogs and maintain an online journal and love IM'ing and write e-mails to people... i have a deep-felt NEED to communicate to people. otherwise, life just becomes bleak.

i have always thought that life is a battle against loneliness and boredom. i haven't really felt lonely in a long time (although today, i might concede a *tinge* of that emotion), but boredom is something that plagues me daily.

and when i realize that when i get home, my only social outlet is television and an occasional mundane conversation with my roommates, i get a bit sad. this is no way to live. where is the intellectual, emotional, physical stimulation? damnit, i need some of that shit!

and, maybe this is why people shack up. so they at least have one other person to talk to, to have sex with, to have a meal with. to quote woody allen (for like the third time), "relationships are a buffer against loneliness."

and what about love? love is a luxury.

erogenous zones, IV bag

so according to monica, there are SEVEN erogenous zones on a woman's body. what *are* they?

man, i need an infusion. an IV of life, if you will. i have been so lethargic lately that life is become this huge bore. work, tv, sleep. and a little bit of food thrown in. man! I NEED THE JUICE! GIVE ME THE JUICE!

*snores*

three o'clock blues

wow, it's not even 3 yet, and i'm already clockwatching. that means bad news for the rest of my day.

some dude brought in white rabbit candies into the office. i love that stuff! it reminds me of my childhood. and the coolest thing is that if you hock a loogie after eating one of these candies, it's all milky white. sort of like spooge. ha!

not much to say today. although i'm really glad _american idol_ is almost at its end. (the finale is next week.) i don't really like any of the final three, so i'm sort of getting more and more indifferent to the outcome. all i can say is, though, jasmine better go tonight. she is out of her league in terms of singing talent.

and i had no idea john stevens got death threats. he was cool!

so it's hump day, and tomorrow is sort of a non-work day because we're having an all hands meeting at 3 and then going to play laser tag together. i really want to bail... the thought of a bunch of grown adults playing laser tag seems really lame, imho. paintball would be more fun, although my tics would make me virtually unstealthy.

but these days, i just want to sleep. i think very few people out there understand why sleep is so important (and desirable) to me. the reason is: i don't tic when i'm lying down, so sleep is the main escape i have from my TS. and that's why you find me taking naps all over the place and sleeping until the afternoon on weekends. capiche?

cuddlebitch wanted

wow, there is so little going on in my life that if you were me, you'd probably implode.

i am getting used to the sound of indian-tinged english. i think a good 60% of my company is indian now, especially with the infusion of some guys from india who are contracting with us.

and mike is right: i do love chasing after unrequited love, although maybe not as much as i used to. i just always liked the idea of *suffering* for love, because that way, when things finally come to fruition, it's so much more of an achievement, and the feeling of satisfaction is that much more poignant. *shrug*

lately, though, i can't say that i am in love with anybody. and that's a weird feeling, because for most of my life (ever since i was 4 or so and smitten with this girl named kathy, i started on k's early, haha) i've been in love with someone or other. sometimes with more than one person, even!

but nowadays, nada. k4 is a fascination, that's for sure, but in many ways i don't feel that *burn*. speed dating hostess and i are talking sporadically, but i'm lacking warm fuzzies there as well. there isn't anybody that i just want to cuddle with, and that's a bad sign.

yes, cuddle. not sex. i think sex is a more of a function of lust and/or sexual frustration. but cuddling? that's more of a sign of affection, methinks. snuggling up to a warm body and laying soft kisses on their lips. that's good shit!

group porn watching

personally, i think it's an odd experience. but then again, going to a strip club is the opposite... you'd rather go with a group than alone. so what's the difference? *ponder*

i remember during alex's wedding weekend a few years ago, a group of us plopped down on his plush sofas and turned it on to channel 595 on his satellite. porn! it was really weird and uncomfortable, watching large-screen penetration (i clearly remember a girl riding cowgirl-style on a guy at the beach) with a bunch of other people.

although, i must say, there was one time when group porn watching was actually fun. my sophomore year, after finals, we went out and rented _in defense of savannah_ at a local video store and rented the large projector room at meyer library. and we snuck in beer and, yup, watch the video together. it was fun! sort of like academics gone awry.

but now that i think about it, sharing a room with a bunch of horny guys that feel lke masturbating is a little creepy. :)

living situation

a few nights ago, i woke up at 3am and started panicking over my living situation. who am i going to live with? where am i going to move to if i can't find a roommate? shit like that makes me freak out.

the thing is, there are two problems:
1) the rent at my place is a bit too high for people to want to live with me
2) i'd have to pay even more to find a 1-bedroom, and that would also mean i would have to MOVE, which is truly a stressful thing

to be honest, i think it would be easiest if my roommate's girlfriend just moved in with us.

and financially speaking, this would be the time for me to buy a house. and the problem with that is the i just don't have the money for a down payment. *RAAR* i hate being poor!

anyways, just one more thing to add on to the heap of my stress level...

anti-bball

man, it's hard to do something you don't like. and i'm not just talking about women. :)

i'm actually talking about basketball. i don't like playing anymore (i get into these phases once in a while), so forcing myself to get out there and play is just a fucking chore. *RAAR* but i do it anyway because i know i need my exercise.

yet... still... like i said, it's a chore. why did exercise have to be so important? sheesh.

the truth of the matter regarding basketball is, 1) i'm tired because of the xanax i take in the morning and 2) i'm ticcy during basketball, which makes it very unpleasant to do. and that's that on the matter.

codependent

man. i just got out of a 2-hour meeting. it's sort of ironic when they're pushing us to work harder and yet burn an aggregate of 20 man-hours while doing so. *shrug*

and no, it isn't love. it's just a fascination, a mystique, i guess.

a coworker of mine wants me to teach him how to solve a rubik's cube. i'm like, "I DON"T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME!" sigh. i mean, it'd be cool to *have* the time, but i just don't right now.

and another coworker keeps showing me pictures of his single female friends. he loads up all the pictures he's taken over the weekend, and he's like pointing out, "oh, she's single. and she's single." and i don't have the heart to tell him that i think they're all pretty fugs.

and last night, i had this moment around 3-4am where i just couldn't go back to sleep. i just kept thinking. some of the thoughts were blogworthy, but i don't remember them now. anyways, it's been awhile when i've had a "thoughtful" event at night. i wonder what prompted that.

but anyways, one of the words that popped up in my brain last night was "codependent." i think i've forgotten what it feels like to be that way. i mean, i do find some girls attractive, but i don't think i've ever gotten to the point where i wanted *their* lives to be a part of mine. you know, to the point where their happiness equates to a portion of my own, to be... codependent.

*shrug*

i think i'm destined for a life of eternal bachelorhood.

a weekend of idling

i always thought that a weekend would crawl at a slow pace if i didn't do anything. well, these past two days showed otherwise.

friday night, i had dinner with the two ENT couples at the old site of swagat (an indian restaurant) in palo alto. they still served indian food, but it was BAD. AND it wasn't cheap, either! afterwards, we went to cold stone, where their ice cream sizes are deceptively large.

saturday was the day where i did nothing. i didn't see anyone (that i knew), and i only went outside to stop by the tailor's and grab some lunch. i woke up at 1pm and watched both NBA basketball games while taking a nap in between. and by 8:30, i was in bed, watching the lakers game and then falling asleep.

sunday was more of the same, except that alan and ting were back. the only point of note here is that at 8:00pm, i went up to daly city to play tennis with k4. the time was mostly spent chasing her errant shots, but i didn't mind because i actually worked up a sweat.

i dunno. something about this girl makes me weak. and dumb. and i don't like that.

anyways, this weekend just completely flew by. and it left me totally unsatisfied.

facial blemishes

people who see me these days ask me if i've been punched in the face. it's because of my fucking eczema, which makes me look like i have a shiner underneath my left eye. what the hell is up with my body?

i feel like my warrantee has run out. things are just breaking down left and right. and i'm only 28!

clockwatching (again)

wow, time is passing by reeeeallly slowly today. partially it's because i've finished my tasks for the week here at the office. partially it's because i'm perpetually clockwatching for when i can go home.

i actually don't have any real plans for this weekend. i don't even know who's going to be around, so if you want to hang out, give me a call!

other than that, i'm just going to watch a lot of basketball while lying on the futon, i think.

oh, speaking of basketball, the neighbor behind me is crazy. i mean, she screams, cries, curses, etc. one good example was last night, the AMAZING game between the spurs and the lakers. after duncan hit that shot, she (obviously a diehard lakers fan) screamed, "NOOOOO! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HIT THAT FUCKING SHOT!" proceeded to rant and rave for another 30 seconds. it's rather annoying.

and then, of course, there were whoops and cries of jubilation when derek fisher hit the winning shot to give the lakers the win. man! WHAT A SHOT!

anyways... i feel like shit these days. i thought may would bring a reprieve to my symptoms, but dude, it's not letting up! the worst thing is, i don't even know what's eating at my stress level, so i can't do anything about it.

it's sort of weird, you know, that when i say, "i'm not feeling well," many people would just assume some sort of physical illness. but that's not what i mean. what i'm talking about is *mental* well-being. yep.

man, i wish i could smoke out or something. that would calm me down for sure. one of my blog readers has a son with TS, and he told me that his son uses pot a lot because it relieves him from his tics. i can totally believe that. now the question is... where can i score some of that stuff?

ok, more later.

paris hilton

today's not turning out to be a good blogging day.

and goddamn this comment spam! i get about 5+ a day now. *RAAR*

anyways, last night, i had a dream i had sex with paris hilton, except that i didn't remember the actual sex. we were talking, and she mentioned how the previous night i had cuddled up against her (in the spooning position), and just went in for a nice warm moist insertion.

i mean, i don't really think she's all that attractive (but on the other hand, i can't stop staring at her sometimes), but she was really adorable in my dream. very articulate, which i highly doubt she is in real life.

there were more details, but i forget the now. isn't it odd how your dream details fade so quickly? i mean, if they're an alternate reality, then shouldn't you be able to form memories that last? *ponder*

by the way, the paris hilton sex video isn't all that. it's actually quite lame, and VERY poor quality i might add, in its "near-infrared" anti-splendor. the only thing that surprised me was that she actually gives head. you'd think that someone so highly sought after (and the fact that she knows that) wouldn't do such a thing... that she'd do none of the work in bed instead.

anyways, i'm tired. having tourette's is a total drain on my energy. and i'm sure anyone with TS would say the same thing. it's like you're expending all this silly unnecessary energy doing your tics, and by the end of the day, you're just... exhausted.

ok. that's it for today.

why?

so what puzzles me (and probably some of you) is why i'm taking a girl out to masa's when i don't even think she digs me all that much.

and my answer is... i don't fucking know.

late thursday post

my apologies for the lack of blogging. after basketball (which i am officially burnt out on), i had a THREE HOUR MEETING, in which i didn't understand anything that was discussed. i hate that!

so! what happened to latoya london? pretty shocking stuff, i must say. i was sure jasmine was going to get the boot... hawaii must have exercised some serious voting power tuesday night.

wow. it's 5pm now. almost time to go home!

so airline tickets to spain/italy (end of august) were booked today by the finance girl at my company. so i guess there's no backing out now! i hope and pray that i'll be less ticcy by the time the trip rolls around. otherwise, i will be absolutely fucked.

and speaking of ticciness, masa's is not set yet. if i'm still in bad shape, i'm gonna back out; i can't deal with having a 3-hour dinner and twitching all over the place among judgmental rich people. :( like, i was watching myself during the meeting today, and i just couldn't sit still during those three hours!

ho hum. that news yesterday of the tourette-curing brain surgery really piqued my interest. i mean, i'm not sure i would go through with it, even if i would have a chance to be totally free of TS. what if i lose my blogging power? my supreme powers of mental focus? my brain hyperactivity? would it be worth it?

but on the other hand, a life of normalcy (free of tics) sure sounds fucking nice.

tourette brain surgery

interesting news that syndromes brought up...

basically, they did some electrode implantation in a guy (who has tourette's)'s brain, and he was CURED!

what the fuck, man.

SIGN ME UP!

relationships

so aside from celebrities (i.e. jack nicholson/lara flynn boyle, michael douglas/catherine zeta jones, etc.) what's the biggest age disparity that you've witnessed in a couples? i think mine is around 7 years or so (something like 28 and 35), i think.

of course, age difference starts to matter less (i talked about this yesterday) as you get older. it's more scandalous when you're talking about teenagers and people in their 20's, right?

or how about this... some of you might know that the summer before my SENIOR year in high school, i was in love with this girl who had just come out of SIXTH grade. ha! *blushes*

speaking of that girl (jessica), i haven't been able to find her. the last i heard from her was about 6 years ago, when she left a message on my answering machine, and i never called back. and now i'm regretting it. she was definitely cool... cute face!

all these broken links, between us and other people. all these friendships faded. i wonder if she thinks about me. in fact, i wonder if all the people who i've lost contact with ever think of me. it's such a huge world out there, and it's just amazing to think of all these stray thoughts floating about. if we could bottle their energy, we could power cities!

or maybe i just think about others too much (i.e. more than they think of me). in that case, i'm probably just wasting my energy and time. sigh.

beef

i'm fucking tired of avoiding beef. we were at chili's today for lunch, and i was craving:

1) a good $6 burger
2) country-fried steak

but, instead, i got this nasty-ass cajun chicken pasta, which packed so many carbs that it put me to sleep, upon which the CTO found me dozing off in my cubicle. what the hell, man.

fuck mad cow! fuck prions!

*RAAR*

i hate not being able to eat what i want. i mean, dieting is one thing... i still get to eat what i want, just at small amounts or at sporadic times. but this avoiding-beef thing is killing me.

i know, i know. i'm being paranoid here. millions of americans are eating beef, right?

but my fear is that in 5-10 years, cases of BSE will break out all over the place. ick. and that fear is what makes me super-unreasonably-paranoid. if another mad cow is found, i think i'll go bonkers.

slow day so far

well, i dunno. last night's _AI_ just didn't interest me. maybe i don't like disco music. and john stevens would have definitely bombed that genre of music.

i was sorely disappointed this morning when i strolled into the office and found ZERO e-mail message in my inbox. (i did, however, get four spam messages in my bulk mail folder.) *RAAR* what, no one cares about me anymore? *sniff*

so this combo of ability + xanax isn't helping out at all. which is disconcerting, to say the least. the xanax doesn't relax my muscles; instead, it just puts me to sleep. and i still tic. ick.

i just want to get through today. the office has been slow this week; most of the big wigs are out at a trade show, so it seems everyone that's left is much more relaxed. funny how pressure works like that.

i was watching _the fabulous life of simon cowell_ the other day. i had no idea he was such a rich mack daddy! like, owns 120 pairs of black giorgio armani pants (up to $1500 each), he buys his (numerous) girlfriends breast implants, and he enjoys lap dances. who'd have thought... i thought he was just this silly judge on a tv show.

nothing much to report this morning so far. more to come later!

financial commitments

two big money matters were finalized today:

1) i just wrote a check for $1200 and handed it over to my coworker. spain and italy, here i come!

2) i just got reservations to masa's for early june. yup. if all goes correctly, k4 and i will be dining there next month.

the only problem is: I BETTER NOT BE TICCY BY THEN. if so, both experiences will be utter hell.

*tries to calm down*

tuesday randoms

damn, i get a lot of comment spam. if it weren't for that shit, i'd have equal numbers of comments and posts, which is something i was trying to aim for when i re-started this blog.

i really want to write about this mini-crush i developed over this past weekend, but i think i best keep it under wraps. it's not like anything could happen. and i'm sure it'll pass soon enough.

it seems quite a few women i know in their mid-20's are hooking it up with guys in their early 30's. it seems like a good age pairing. i mean, i was talking to hr girl about this on sunday, but late 20's and early 20's doesn't seem like a good fit; the young kids just need to get settled down and adjust to life after college.

i don't know what this says about me, though. my age range seems pretty limited. i'm 28 right now, so my "practical" age range of dating is something like 25-29. rather narrow, don't you think? i mean, if i were 32 or something, then i'd be able to date 26-33, which provides for a larger pool of women. that's just my take on it, and fyi, the figures are just guestimates.

and yes, i am already looking forward to the weekend. i don't have any plans as of yet, except a possible tennis date with k4. (yes, THAT k4) we'll see. alan and ting will be away at a wedding in carmel, so i'll have to fend for myself this upcoming weekend.

i think one of my great sorrows concerning stanford taiko is that aside from a meager amount of leadership (i was one of the directors during my latter two years), i didn't *give* anything to the group, i.e. compose a song. i did write one, however, but that was many years after i left the group, and the song never got played.

hehe. fyi, i wrote the song for a girl i liked in the group at the time (jo-ann). ah, the memories. it's funny how love can inspire you to do some things.

the one

i was hanging out with a female friend of mine recently, and when i asked her about her boyfriend, she was like, "oh, he's the ONE. i'm sure we're going to wind up getting married."

!!

wow! what BALLS! i haven't heard of anybody speaking of "the one" in such a long time. i mean, i used to believe in it myself, but not anymore. the way i see it, you can only tag someone as "the one" once, because if it doesn't work out, then you're just a fool afterwards. and i already used up my single tag on someone.

but still, like i said, i don't believe in it anymore. the concept of just one person out there just seems bogus nowadays. i think there are multiple people that fit you well. and if you happen to end up with somebody for good, then you are free to call that person "the one," but to me, that's just some retrospective labelling, which doesn't amount to much in my book.

quick post

i had a rough outing at my dentist appointment today. it was fucking PAINFUL! i was squirming in my seat, churning my legs around, gripping the seat with all my might as the hygienist violently removed the tartar buildup in my teeth. i could taste all this blood pooling in my mouth. ick.

so yesterday was a weird day. i had this dream about a girl i barely know, and in the dream, there were TWO of her. yeah! dopplegangers! (or something like that) but i think i dreamt about her because i was so bored last night and all i did (besides watch the AMAZING wolves/kings game) was read her blog. so she must have stuck in my mind that way.

she's kinda cute, too. hm. *ponder* (but she's almost a decade younger than me)

i am *this* close to breaking down and ordering myself a big mac at mcdonald's. over the weekend, before we went to play golf, we stopped by mcd's, and i got a fish filet and a crispy chicken sandwich. peter got a big mac and started teasing me with it. damn, it looked good. i love that sauce!

back to the basketball game last night, it was funny because right after it ended (overtime), i got a call. it was alan, even though at first i thought it was peter. why did i not believe it was alan? because he hates sports! but i guess he had nothing better to do, either, or maybe he's starting to like playoff NBA basketball. btw, he's in new orleans, so i thought he would have been asleep by then.

ok, i'll get this out, and i'll write more later.

dream recollection

i had an interesting dream on friday night. basically, i was at some speed dating thing in some las vegas hotel/casino, but the twist was that this girl and i were NAKED.

so there we were, seated in these comfy lounge chairs, and i'm trying my hardest not to stare at her perky breasts or her luscious vadge. but even without looking at her naked body, i BUST A CHUB. right then and there, i go from compact flaccid to a full-on boner. and i'm trying my hardest to cover my hard-on with my sheet of paper! ah, how embarrassing.

the girl, though, was hot. damn, too bad it wasn't real life.

don't call me a pedophile

so last night, instead of _alias_, ABC showed the first harry potter movie. interspersed throughout were some commentaries by the now-teenager characters that play harry potter, ron weasley, and hermione granger.

i LIKE hermione (emma watson)! she's sure growing up, from the over-acting big-mouthed little kid to something that is starting to resemble a woman! hehe. i know you think i'm a sick old pervert, but i don't give a shit. bwekekeke. :)

morning dumps, _time_ magazine

my morning dump schedule is slowly disintegrating. i haven't taken a dump yet today, and it's almost 4:30pm! hm. this worries me.

for those of you who don't know, i "trained" myself to take a morning dump after i visited boston last march. basically, we were walking around town at night, and suddenly, i got a case of diarrhea. so i was scrambling around looking for a bathroom, and finally barged into the WOMEN's bathroom at a local mcdonald's.

so i decided after that to always force myself to take my dump once i wake up, so i won't ever have to face an emergency shit session ever again.

yep.

alan's gone for a week. he's in new orleans right now training for his new job. so... while i was looking forward to a week of solitude, it'll be good that ting will be around some nights so i have someone to talk to.

i fucking hate mondays.

and i'm thinking about cancelling my subscription to _time_. i mean, i spend a couple of hours (like 2) reading this silly magazine every week, and i don't get anything out of it. i can't even summarize one article that i read last week... and the only two fact that i can dig up at this moment are:

1) a beaver can chew through a 6-inch diameter tree in 15 minutes
2) the amount of water spent irrigating the world's golf courses could provide adequate hydration for something like 5 billion people.

there you go. that's all that i've gotten from reading. kind of pathetic, huh?

some pictures

	so this is me, alan and peter after our 5-hour (sarcastic) domination of the shorelines golf links. hehe. man, the course was long and grueling; most holes were 300-500 yards long, and being the weak guy with poor form, i could barely hit the ball 100 yards at a time. but at least we had carts and didn't have to walk the whole way. :)
	this is one of the interlude setups from the stanford taiko spring concert. man, their interludes are so much better now than when i was with the group... they're actual lyric pieces! and you can see that they've brought back the fue (japanese flute)! i love the fue. it just gives the pieces this wonderful added sound.
	this is visra playing a song called "sprint." i love this song because it's fast, it's technical, and it's got great player interactions. this year, the concert had a good variation of fast, powerful pieces and slow, lyrical ones. as you might be able to tell, i am proud (even jealous) of the current group's artistry. if you ever had a chance, you should definitely catch their spring concert some time.

short weekend

man, this weekend went by fast. friday, alan and i went to the driving range again to prepare for our saturday round of golf at shorelne. then, i headed over to stanford to take pictures of the dress rehearsal for their saturday spring concert.

saturday, we hit the shoreline golf links for a 12:30 tee time and spent the next five hours flailing at the golf ball. i guess "flailing" is a worse word than it actually was, because all of us some decent shots from time to time. i must have shot a 140 or something. why? because i SUCK at golf.

then, we shuttled alan back to jay's place (using a carefully planned alibi) for his surprise birthday party. he completely did not expect anything, so i was totally relieved.

and then, i headed off to stanford again to watch "off the ground," the name of the stanford taiko spring concert. it was a brilliant show, and during the second song, "bayou" i actually misted up a bit. sigh. i miss taiko and performing and the camaraderie and all that. i stayed there until 11 or so mingling with the alums and stuff. congrats to eriko and jack for getting engaged!

sunday, i headed up to the city to meet up with hr girl. we had lunch at crepes a go-go, and walked around union and chestnut streets. after coming back, i watched the pistons/nets game, and we had a bbq for the leftover food from alan's party. i had three sausages, and got subsequently stuffed.

and that was it. a weekend that was eventful that flew by way too quickly.

the goodbye fuck

so on the _friends_ finale last night, ross and rachel had what they thought was a last night of torrid sex. and rachel took it mean the best goodbye she could hope for before she would leave for paris.

hm. the goodbye fuck, eh?

i don't know if i could do that. to me, having sex with someone is an indicator that we're together, that we have a relationship. hence, the sex, right?

but then again, i can see how sex can be such a poignant "gift" to someone who is leaving... it's something personal and powerful and emotional, and you're sharing it with someone who you care about.

personally, i've slept with people who i've broken up with. (this did not happen many times, mind you, just with one girl.) the sex didn't seem particularly emotional or poignant. it was more like animal instinct, like sex was something that you had done before many times in the past, so it seemed natural to romp even though you were no longer a couple. *shrug*

i vividly remember this one time (we were in paris, by the way), when we were romping, and i suddenly left myself. meaning, my consciousness sort of floated above us, and i was watching us together, thinking, "my, this is so *mechanical*!"

hm. so i dunno. i mean, if i had the history of ross and rachel, maybe i'd feel differently? but i still think it's a strange idea, that goodbye fuck. maybe it's just me.

friday randoms

how sad is that. yesterday, alan and i hit about 50 golf balls each, and now i am totally sore. my right shoulder and my left ribs hurt. sigh. who'dathunk that golf would work such muscles so strenuously!

i feel cheated by the _friends_ finale. two hours wasted on mediocre television. i mean, the first hour was just a montage of old scenes and shit, and the "real" hour of tv was just... so predictable. still, though, i'll miss the show... it had become a staple of my thursday nights, even though the show had gone downhill.

my cable modem's pissing me off. i have to powercycle it every day now. it seems there's a loose connection between the power connector and the modem itself, and it goes all wonky very frequently. *RAAR*

not much to say here today. i got into the office early (that's 9:30 for your edification), and it turned out there wasn't a weekly 9:30 meeting! so i was kind of upset that i lost about an hour of sleep over nothing.

the only good thing about friday mornings at work is the bagels. i had a nice toasted sesame bagel with about a third of a tub of full-fat cream cheese slathered on. the way i eat it, it's more like having cream cheese with a bit of bagel. :)

i took some of my coworkers to gombei in downtown sj japantown for lunch, and i think they liked it. i *love* gombei, although i think the one in menlo park is better because i have an emotional attachment to it, i.e. i used to go there all the time when i was at stanford.

man, xanax is kicking my ass. like i said, every day, it puts me to sleep. maybe i should recommend it to my mom, who's suffering from insomnia. and i boggles my mind that 0.50mg of something can be so powerful.

soundbites

some of the coolest things ever said to me:

a. "i'm an aggressive lover"
b. "but i think we should mess around anyway"
c. "i'm not DONE YET!"

the context:

a. we were making out for the first time.
b. we were discussing whether we should start a relationship, and the girl prefaced her statement with how she wasn't going to completely give it up that night.
c. the girl was riding me cowgirl style, and i made some discombobulated gesture indicating that i was about to blow my wad. and while uttering those words, she threw me back down on the bed.

ah, life.

a blitz from k3

interesting. i got an e-mail from k3 today. for those of you who don't know, she was a girl who i once labelled as "my favorite girl on the planet." and we were never a couple.

of course, though, as with all the k's, i did brutally stupid things to alienate her. in this particular case, it was blogging about something very personal to her and putting it out in the open for everybody to read. stupid, stupid dardy.

i miss her.

but maybe, this complete falling out was what i needed to get over her. you see, i was convinced that we were soulmates. and when we went to new york together back in october of 2001 (yes, right after 9/11), the litmus test of us together just didn't work out. but still, i would have waited for her.

but with my stupid stunt, we stopped talking for well over a year. even now, our e-mails are very short and lack the congenial chemistry that we used to have. but hey, at least we're talking.

estrogen

so i really wished i wrote this last night, when i was giddy about some certain developments.

first of all, i wrote k4 a cursory e-mail, and what do you know, she wrote back! we have a tentative tennis outing, and maybe a trip to visit masa's. i know, i know, masa's is a pretty pricey place, but i don't mind if i'm seeing her.

and second of all, the coordinator for the speed dating event finally relented and gave me the hostess's e-mail address! i laughed when i read her opening line: "dardy, you're persistent."

so what do you think? does the fact that she gave me the girl's e-mail mean that she ok'ed it with the girl in the first place? i think so, since if i were the coordinator, i wouldn't have done it unless i made sure the hostess girl was receptive to the idea of me writing her.

so yeah. those two things made me happy. what can i say. women make my world go round.

freak occurence

so last night's _OC_ finale was pretty bleak, huh? i thought it was a good way to end the season. and their use of jeff buckley's "hallelujah" was pretty haunting.

what was odd about last night, though, was that after the show, i was hanging out with alan and ting in a rare conversational atmosphere. and i noticed... i wasn't ticcing! i felt happy!

i don't think this had anything to do with the show itself, but it was like all the pressure and stress that had invaded my body just somehow vanished. very spooky, but in a good way.

and i don't know what caused it. and the bad news is today, i am the same lethargic ticcy guy i have been for the past two months.

but damn, last night was a good reprieve. *sigh*

clockwatching

wow, today's been a SLOW day at work.

well what do you know! like eric, i have TWO invites for people who want to try google mail (gmail)! so let me know if you want to try it out!

i, for one, have an account, but i have yet to start using it. it seems like sort of a pain to let all of my friends (no, i don't use an address book) know i've changed e-mail addreses. but damn, eventually, i *will* start using gmail... 1G of storage is fucking precious!

this afternoon, it hit me really hard: i am way too picky when it comes to women. i blame the media. haha. but yeah, i have a huge "wishlist" and i'm just wondering... is there any way i can be satisfied with ANYONE?

so the question is... how do i lower my expectations? *ponder* because if i don't do so, i'm gonna end up an eternal bachelor.

well, this week marks the beginning of the end of the television season. which makes me sort of relieved, because i'm getting tired of scheduling my life around prime time. last night's _scrubs_ finale was only so-so, and tonight's the finale of _the OC_. verrry exciting!

ooh! i have a nipple hair to pluck!

i don't know when i started getting long nosehairs. i mean, long as in "they come out of my nostrils." ick! when i met up with the bloggers (pardon the term, chester) on sunday, adam kept motioning to his nose and offered me a small pair of scissors. *RAAR*

so what i usually do is pluck my nosehairs. yup, it hurts like a motherfucker, and sometimes it even makes me cry. but the way i figure, that is the best way to deal with them. (pondering... well, i could get nose hair trimmers, but that costs money.)

i hate buying shit for simple utilitarian purposes. two items that fall into this category are: a sonicare toothbrush and a firewire hard drive (to back up my iMac). *blech* i mean, i need the stuff, but it's just no fun to own, you know?

giving head, revisited

so after talking to C (a girl), i have to say... no, i don't expect girls to automatically know how to give good head. i mean, it's not really a skill that they're born with, you know? girls don't just wake up and possess blowjob skills.

(men, on the other hand, should know how to give great head. after all, they're born with penises, and they know what feels good and what doesn't.)

so it comes down teaching, i guess. and i have to say, i've been a bad teacher when it comes to fellating. hell, i've never even attempted to give instructions. one time, though, the girl was holding my boner, and said demurely, "what do you like?" that was my chance! but i was sort of taken aback by the sexiness of her question (and the situation itself), and i just didn't give any response.

on another note, according to my friend A, some girls don't even care that much about learning. especially if they're hot. i think the thinking goes, if the girl knows she's hot, then the guy should be flattered just to get to have sex with her, and she doesn't need to do all that much to please the guy.

so on the flip side, according to A, it's the relatively unattractive (well, not unattractive, but not AS attractive) girls who might be the best in bed. this is because they know they don't have the pure stunning looks, so they work harder during sex to please their man.

controversial, i know. but an interesting theory indeed.

btw, i've actually LOST my erection while receiving head. so i'll be sure that the next time i get the opportunity to give some instructions, i'll be a good teacher and do the deed.

the shanghai plan

so yeah, a few weeks ago, i saw this documentary about this dance studio in shanghai. and i remember thinking, "hm, some of the girls here are cute!"

so this past friday, i brought it up to mallory, who's from china. i brought up the fact that if i ever hit the "truly desperate" mode, i'd go to shanghai and find me a hot mainland wife.

while she agreed that lots of shanghai women were indeed "hot," she also said that they tended to be extremely materialistic. i think her words were, "yeah, you can find a hot girl, but just don't expect her to love you. they're too practical for love; all they want is money."

*RAAR* foiled!

keep in mind, though, that this so-called plan of mine was a "last ditch attempt"-type plan. i highly doubt that i could live with a fobby-type. what the hell would we talk about? i can only have so much sex before i get bored!

giving head

damn. i think for golfing on saturday, i am going to have to refrain from taking my xanax. i am falling asleep left and right! people at work keep telling me i look tired.

so i'm pissed off at _american idol_. they had a "big band/oldies" theme last night, and had john stevens not gotten kicked off during last week's "latino" fiasco, he would have KICKED ASS this week. *RAAR*

but i do agree, though; la toya and fantasia will be the last two if american has any sense of intelligence and common sense.

my diet is in need of moderation. or rather, i need to stop pigging out; i've had three straight full meals, and i can feel my gut expanding again! last night's SEVEN slices of maldonado's pizza surely didn't help. i bet i'm back up to 182 or 183 again.

is anyone out there a kobe tai fan? i have a question about her. when she gives a guy head, there are certain times when she inhales the dude's schlong and stays there, and doing something inside her mouth that seems to feel really good to the guy. what *is* she doing?

i'd like to get blown by kobe tai. i have a feeling it would be a great (kimochi ii!) experience. and seeing as i have never gotten good head from anybody before, finally getting some good fellatio done to me would be a welcome event.

though, a friend of mine (who came out in college) once told me, "men give the best head." *ponder* i can see how that's true, but i'm not about to solicit a gay man to blow me. there's something about a woman doing it that excites me; the a man doing it would do the oppoiste.

acid

i got a billing reminder for track15.com today. which means: this blog is almost two years old! too bad i don't have much to show for it, since i lost 2200+ entries due to the lame disk crash by my hosting company.

remember the old post (the binary girl) i put up the other day? i wish i could write like that again. my theory is that being on antidepressants and antipsychotics and other types of neuro-medication kills my creativity. sigh.

i do think, however, that it would be cool if our saliva were more acidic. like, you could drop a deadly loogie on a flower or an ant, and watch it melt away in a fiery acidic death.

but, the downside of that is that making out would be a little, um, ugly. after prolonged periods of sucking face, you'd practically melt away the partner's lips and face. and i don't even want to think about the effects of giving head! OUCH! (i got blown once by a girl who had eaten spicy indian curry, and that experience would be tantamount to an acid blowjob, methinks.)

but yeah. acid drool would be a cool thing to behold.

once, in chem lab back at school, i found some stray ants on the countertop underneath the hood. so i got some 10 molar sulfuric acid, and dripped some of the substance onto the ants. they fucking melted! pretty gruesome, if you think about it. what a way to go. the weird thing was that soon after, the place was swarmed by ants, which no doubt smelled the rotting carcasses of their comrades and tried to come to their rescue, only to suffer the same demise.

tuesday randoms

i am in a basketball funk right now. i don't enjoy playing, and when i go, i'm just always tired and even ticcy. i play half-heartedly, which is bad news because i'm not getting much exercise. *sigh*

i think cigarettes kill my taste buds for a while. i'm munching on some mini-graham crackers, and they taste like cardboard.

sorry i haven't blogged much today (or lately). after bball, i took a little catnap because my xanax was knocking me out. and then, i had some code changes to do. mpls sucks! it's too complicated! payload offset this, TTL offset that... it's just all a big mess.

hold on. i need to take a dump.

ok, i'm back.

knowledge stresses me out. the fact that we're bombarded with all these facts from day to day means that i force myself to remember a lot of useless things. and that creates stress. for example, i still remember the ncaa men's basketball bracket (starting from the elite eight) of this year's tournament in march, and i remember each _american idol_ week (the theme and who got kicked off). is this important stuff? no!

anyways, i gotta get ready for the weekend. why? because i'm playing golf with the guys. i think the last time it happened (a september years ago), my tourette's got so bad that i basically had a nervous breakdown afterwards. and i just don't want that to happen to me again.

*yawn*

i'm being pretty good about saving money. my last credit card bill was under $600 for the month, and that pleases me. it still astounds me, though, that i spent that much and yet didn't buy any noteworthy item. just imagine if i had done some real shopping!

i made myself a promise the other day. i promised that when (if) i ever get out of this ticcy funk, i'll never take my mental health for granted. i'll be happy, i'll get out more, i'll try not to miss any social activities due to laziness, etc. because right now, things really do suck.

monday randoms

it seems i am now known at work as "the guy with eczema on his face." *RAAR* at least i can make a snide remark about how work is stressing me out, and make people feel guilty that i am being worked this hard. heh.

i think speed dating can be made better if people were provided pictures of each other during the decision process. that way, the participant can actually remember what the prospect actually looks like instead of having to sift through a faulty memory bank of 20+ faces. (clearly, being buzzed during the first half didn't do me any good.)

anyways, i must reiterate: mondays suck. i have no thing to look forward on these dreaded days except for work and tedious _time_ reading. i'm seriously starting to rethink my strategy of reading every single article... it's not helping me gain a worldy set of knowledge, because everything i read that i find boring just goes in my eyes and out my brain. i have no recollection!

during my talk with mallory, i realized that i don't really miss having a relationship. and this seems very different than some of my other guy friends, who don't seem to handle singlehood very well; they get lonely, bored, depressed, sad, etc. me? i just miss boobs and munching on a nice ass.

there was a moment at her place where she leaned over (we were on different couches) and gave me this nice smile. i felt this urge to get up and kiss her. too bad she's married, though.

i'm still thinking about bugging the baare organizers about the hostess girl again. especially now that i've met one of my matches, and the other won't write back.

WHERE IS MY 1-LADEN BINARY GIRL???

sleepy

wow, this xanax is kicking my ass. i got prescribed it as a muscle/anxiety relaxant last week, and holy shit, i'm falling asleep left and right. hm.

plus, i don't think it's working either. my tics are still ruling me.

i feel my resolve against eating beef getting weaker. today, i *almost* got the yoshinoya beef/chicken bowl. almost. and, lately, when i've been hungry, a big mac has sounded like a little morsel of heaven.

mondays suck. i'm already looking to the weekend. on saturday, we're going to play 18 holes of golf at the shoreline links. (what are links, anyway?) which is going to be a complete fiasco, because we four haven't played golf in like, two years. hey, at least we'll have golf carts to chase down our errant shots. and alan wants to bring beer; i fear massive dehydration headaches.

alcohol and sun just don't mix. one time, during a stanford football game, i was pounding tequila during a tailgate. the gist was, i was drunk by the time the game started, and by halftime, after baking in the sun for over an hour, i had a hangover. luckily i didn't puke in the stands, but man, i felt like shit.

ok, i've got some work to do. be back later!

fast weekend

friday night, i headed up to millbrae to have dinner with mallory. we went to our usual pho place, and once again avoiding beef, i ordered the wonton egg noodle soup. it was nasty and bland. we ended up talking until 10.

saturday, i hung out with peter. i watched him purchase an entire margarita set (tequila, mix, blender, glasses), and i got alan's birthday present (nothing special) at the stanford mall.

i took a nap, and then headed over to paul's birthday dinner at this italian restaurant in downtown sunnyvale. i was a group of 12 of us, and afterwards, we hung out at e-tea cafe in mountain view.

sunday, i woke up at 1pm. i watched last week's _alias_ (where is this show going?), watched the lakers lose to teh spurs, and then met up with speed dating girl #2 at fantasia in milipitas. after that, i got ready for dinner with the bloggers: chester, cindy and chris, adam and rae, and eric at dasaprakash.

personally, i thought the food was so-so... i guess i need meat in my indian meals, as dasaprakash was an all-vegetarian place. we then hung about at cindy's house for a bit before i went home for my usually sportscenter sleep routine.

tics weren't good, making me very quiet at dinner. sigh. but it's may now, a new month, and hoping i'll make some headway with some progress in my little springtime tourette's hell. we'll see.