twenty-five seconds of silence

the binary girl (old post)

so imagine that all the characteristics of a girl can be quantified in plain yes/no questions, whose answers can be represented with one bit each. thus, a girl can be described with a single binary vector, say N qualities condensed into an N'hFFFF...FFFF value.

some qualities are supersets of others, like "is a good e-mail correspondent" encompasses more specific qualities like "responds promptly," "writes interesting shit," and "changes the subject line to something witty."

now, if the top-level quality is already a negative, it completely wipes out all the other values, (given the above 4-pronged example) resulting in a brutal level of 4'b0000 instead of possible (and better) values of 4'b1010, 4'b1101, etc.

and that is quite disappointing indeed. if you imagine that a girl has this huge possible binary expansion, all these paths to an exponential number of leaf cells marked "1," a high-level negation blocks off an entire branch of goodness, pruning the tree into a stunted lopsided mass.

funny thing is, upon first meeting someone, i give the person a benefit of the doubt, a full 2^N tree, if you will. and the more i get to know them, the more pruning i have to do. it's not something i find enjoyable. you'd think that it would be more positive if i started out with N'd0 and worked my way up. it's all about perspective, right?

friday randoms

i have curry breath. ick. and to my dismay, there were BEEF CHUNKS in my katsu curry! and no, i didn't pick them out. sigh. the paranoia begins!

i am always a bit hesitant to show my coworkers my online pictures, either from my blog or from my old journal. because i have a suspicion that they'll dig around after i leave and find my blog and start reading. and what then? WHAT THEN?

i dunno about cantopop. something about the language really turns me off. it just doesn't sound mellifluous! yes, best stick to j-pop.

I AM A TICCING MANIAC! OH YES I AM!

(i wonder when this two-month-old hell will end.)

i am tired of dating. you'd *think* that after being single for so long, i'd start to get desperate or something. but no. i am still picky as ever, perhaps even moreso. what gives?

*sigh*

i think it's sort of a curse to demand high standards for living. you spend more money, you waste more energy pursuing what you want, you are more likely to be dissatisfied, and for what? a fulfilment of unreasonable (and unjustified) standards?

better to get a lobotomy (figuratively speaking, of course), methinks. that way i'd be happy with whatever.

you know that scene near the beginning of _shallow hal_ where they show why hal is so, um, superficially driven? (the scene with the dad on the deathbed) i wonder what made me so shallow. i don't think my parents said anything to me of that sort.

*ponder*

i think it was k1.

blog entry #200

yo yo yo! happy friday to you all! hope you get some well-deserved rest (or fun) this weekend.

so, alan and ting are gone on a romantic excursion this entire weekend (they left this morning), so i'll have to fend for myself socially the entire time. which is fine, i guesss. i have stuff lined up already. woot!

it's hard, though, to be social when i feel this shitty in the brain. like, today, i had lunch with two coworkers, and while they talked, i just sat there, twitching, trying o sneak a bite or two of food in between the tics. it fucking sucks, man.

i know i need to take one weekend and do absolutely NOTHING but sleep and lie down. in the past, that has provided my body the "reset" that it needs, but i guess i just feel like that's sort of a waste of time, i.e. not being social and meeting up with people.

anyways, during lunch today, one of my coworkers brought up the subject of ex-girlfriends. and he asked if we kept in touch with ours. (you should know by now that my answer was a resounding NO.) but it was weird because the other guy was like late 30's, married, with two kids. odd to hear him answer a question about an ex-girlfriend.

we also hit fry's afterwards. i was tempted to buy a maxtor external hard drive to back up my iMac, but balked because i simply don't feel the urgency to do so. my inaction might bite me in the ass later (*knock on wood*), so we'll see. but do you think this is the best option (external hard drive vs. burning dvd's)?

i just talked to our hr girl over here, and she's cool... she demands a 1.33-1.5ct diamond ring (which isn't that cool), but she says she'll willing to pay for half of it. and THAT is neat.

i haven't had an anti-diamond rant in a while. but i'm not going to start. after talking to people like this hr girl and mallory, i think i've realized that as a man, there is no choice but to resign myself to the power the diamond has over women. *shrug*

baby got back

damn. i jammed my left middle finger up really badly today during basketball. now it hurts to give people the bird!

yesterday, while driving to lunch, one of my coworkers was talking about booty. it was sort of odd, because he's married and just had a kid, and there he was, talking about some other woman's nice ass. i guess life circumstances don't dull some men's interest in other women.

i have grown over the years to appreciate booty. i didn't start out that way, though; i was into (and still primarily interested in) breasts. but, man, a nice ripe munchable ass like this one turns me on, definitely! *busts a chub*

i think it all has to do with softness. i love that stuff.

so when designers make pants for women, what size butt do they design for? you'd figure that it'd make a big difference, right? like bras are sized by chest circumference and cup size, but are there any pants that are sized by the amount of ass a woman has?

it's funny. my parents think "ass" is a normal everyday term. they'll tell me, "oh, your brother hurt his ass muscle playing tennis." :)

pre-basketball randoms

so farewell to john stevens! hehe. i actually knew that he was going to be booted off because some east coast guy googled something like, "why did john stevens get kicked off?" and hit my site while i was at work.

so i saw my psych today, and i'm upping the dosage of abilify to 20mg/day. shit, i hope this works. i'm tired of my tics already! enough! *RAAR*

so i made a move on the stock market today. my options in ADI have fallen, so i averaged down. yes, it's a dangerous thing to do, because they're options and could expire completely worthless. but still, i've been watching ADI for the past 5 months, and hopefully it'll start picking back up. *fingers crossed*

birthday presents seem harder to buy as we get older. i mean, once we've started working, we can most likely afford the things that we want, i.e. we buy them ourselves. so what to get someone who has that power? hm. yup. alan's birthday is coming up, and i am completely clueless as to what to get him.

man. thursday already. i am psyched for the weekend. i have a birthday party (not alan's), dinner with some bloggers, and perhaps a meeting up with one of the speed dating girls. that last one has me a bit worried, though, because of my tics. (remember that my annoying tics were overcome by alcohol at last week's speed dating event.)

i'm not looking forward to the end of the tv season, though. there's one more _OC_ left, and only two more _friends_ left. i *like* television. and i will miss it. the upside, though, is that my schedule will free up once i don't have shows to watch. and NO, i will NOT get tivo! :)

the higher plan?

well, since my brother's going to ucla (finally!), he is totally counting his blessings. and his so-called "blessings" include an e-mail that i wrote to my parents, which apparently helped sway the decision.

so now my brother claims that i am part of god's plan for him, or something to that effect.

*blink blink*

huh?

i was just looking out for my little bro!

love is blind

i've been thinking for some time now about starting a secret blog. you know, one where i can truly say anything that i want without holding back.

but then, without any readership, what would be the point? ah! and that shows me that it's not the writing that matters... it's the readers that matter! i guess i just want to be heard, that's all.

lately, i've been thinking... love is blind. fucking BLIND.

i mean, when i was with various ex's, i never cared that much that they were basketcases, vain, bitchy, etc. all of those negative qualities were just swept under the rug, under the guise of "i love who she is, the good and the bad."

but now, looking back, i don't know if i would "objectively" approve of them if i wasn't, um, in love with them. if i wasn't getting any. if i hadn't made the commitment to be with them.

but the deeper issue here, i think is that love makes you insulated (is that a good thing?) from all the faults of the partner. whether or not you realize that those faults is an issue to be debated; i have sometimes seen evidence of a person not noticing, and i have seen evidence of a person not caring. so that is moot.

but anyways... maybe i'm ranting about it now, but maybe there's a good thing about being blind. why? because we all have faults, and if everyone were totally objective 100% of the time (even in relationships), then we'd all be alone. nobody would want us. because of our faults.

(of course, some faults are bigger than others. take tourette's. i think being genetically defective is quite a big problem for me. sigh.)

but yeah, whether it's a boon or a bane, love is blind.

final college?, shallowness, sex

sorry for the flip-flopping news, but my dad just informed me that he sat down with my brother and told him he could go to UCLA, as long as he transfers majors from chemistry to chemE. i think it's the best decision, and i hope things turn out well for my bro.

such complications, huh? kind of a pain in the ass. i am very grateful that when it came time for me to go to college, my parents expressed their wish but gave me the ultimate power of choosing.

i was telling cindy yesterday that i think i'm a very shallow person at times. like when it comes to women, i am so picky that sometimes my friends would probably like to throw something at me. *shrug* i dunno how i came to be that way, but shit, if i'm not attracted to a girl, i won't go out with her. that might not sound very controversial, but it becomes that way when you realize how picky i am.

and when it comes to finding someone to marry (i know, i'm getting ahead of myself here :) i need a face that i can stare at for indefinite periods of time. and THAT is tough to fine. and that's why k4 was such a big deal for me; because i had previously thought that what i was looking for (looks-wise) was nearly impossible, but after meeting her, i knew that it was within grasp.

but yes. enough of k4. i haven't seen her since she left for asia, like 6-7 months ago. sigh. what the fuck happened there...

i think my worst fault, though, is that i get bored of people easily. and that adds on to the problem that every couple may face eventually down the road: running out of things to say. i think that wall crops up in my relationships a lot earlier than most people. and looking back, it seems like sex has always been one of the things that ruins things.

why is that, you might ask? my theory on it is that once sex is available on the table, it becomes the #1 thing to do. and that displaces the old #1 thing to do before sexual activity, which is intimacy and talking. and thus the old #1 disappears. *shrug* it's a problem i have to fix.

wednesday randoms

i have a bad feeling tonight about _AI_. it might be john stevens' time to go. like simon said, john stevens and latin music (the theme was gloria estefan songs) was like chocolate and an onion. ick. he did horribly, although i think most of the contestants struggled too.

the weather is getting better here. i didn't have as much trouble falling asleep last night, which is good. but damn, getting out of bed is hard as it's ever been. which bodes badly for tomorrow, because i have a psych appointment at 9:40. ouch!

um, yeah. i need some med relief. these days, sleep/lying down is the only thing i can do to keep from ticcing for long periods of time. cigarettes help, but only for the duration while i'm smoking them. sigh. life sucks.

now if only i could do work while lying down. like, construct this reclining setup where i have a keyboard tray up in the air and a monitor directly above me. heh

so _scrubs_ is probably my favorite show. last night, j.d. told elliot (the girl) that he didn't love her. but they're best friends. and that's one thing that i don't quite understand; i mean, if i had a female best friend, i think i'd invariably fall in love with her.

wouldn't that be cool? to have a best friend and be able to have sex with her? that's like having everything at once!

oh, and in the show, carla's brother was wearing this ben sherman shirt that i've been thinking of buying. heh! scrubs is hip!

oh, and my dad told me last night, "i haven't read your blog in a long time, and i'm not going to read it. so that should put less anxiety on you." thank goodness.

a family divided

so the college saga continues for my poor brother. they were all set on him going to ucla (seeing as nobody like berkeley), but then, it turned out that he misprinted his major; instead of chemical engineering, he put CHEMISTRY instead.

so my parents were upset about that, and don't want him to major in chem. so the options were

1) go to cal for a year and transfer to UCLA
2) change majors at UCLA

i mean, you'd THINK that #2 would be better, right? i mean, who wants to transfer schools? but that's what my parents decided, much to the dismay of me and my brother. *RAAR* i called them up last night, and there was a big hubbub (apparently i was on speakerphone), with my dad defending his decision and my brother complaining about it in the background.

sigh. poor brother.

cheating/speed dating

not much going on here today. damn, that's getting to be quite the usual statement, huh? :/

so let's talk about emotional cheating. personally, i think it's natural to be attracted to others while you're in a committed relationship. but it's what you do about it that matters, i.e. you do or you don't hook up with them, have a one night stand, an affair, etc.

so with that said, i guess i'm more of a believer that most stuff that counts as cheating is in the physical realm of things. but then again, i can see how if the other person thinks about someone else all the time, harbors emotional/erotic feelings for the other, then that might constitute some other, non-tangible form of cheating. hm.

ok, in conclusion, then, i don't know what i'm talking about. i guess in the emotional cheating case, there is some fine line between simply fancying another, and being a little more obsessive about it that makes a difference. what do you think?

so now that i've done speed dating twice with two different organizations, i am getting all this e-mail about upcoming speed dating events in may. there's a click2asia one on 5/15, and a baare.org one on 5/19. what do i think? i'd just like to get to know the hostess of the one i went to last week. maybe i should ask the organizers once more? *ponder*

i mean, i'd drop another $35 just to meet her again, but to make my money worthwhile, i'd need to know if she's going to help run the show. which means: i need to brave the wrath of the organizers, who have already told me (in so many words) to forget about her and concentrate on my matches. HRMPH.

it's only tuesday??!

well, i finally got a cell (a correct one, mind you) out of my block. WOOT! but there's still a lot more testing to be done, so don't be overly happy for me.

sigh. no basketball today. which may have been a blessing since it's a blistering 90+ degrees out there. wow! but yeah, i drove to city beach, and a company was having a party there, so i got turned away from open play. oh well. i treated myself to mcdonald's (still no beef, though i am craving a big mac tremendously) for lunch.

did i tell you i hit 180.8 the other day? crajee.

these nights, i've been missing out on 2-3 hours of sleep because of the heat. and even though i sleep naked and (lately) don't even use any covers, it's still too hot. so i wind up tossing and turning in my warm sheets and pillows until the temperature starts dropping, and this usually happens past midnight. *RAAR*

i'm bummed that my dallas mavericks are most likely going to be bounced from the first round of the nba playoffs. they're down 3 games to 1, and well... that's just too bad. damn pick and roll with nash/nowitzki didn't work last night!

so i've started up an e-mail exchange with one of my speed dating matches. we'll see how it goes from there. i need to come up with a shorthand for identifying her, though.

i am, however, still looking for someone who i can get giddy over. if you remember, the last girl i that made me feel that way was k4. sigh. i was literally bouncing around after our first meeting!

and that's the thing. few people move me these days. either i'm getting old and jaded and "unmovable," or i'm just not meeting the right people, i.e. they're getting more and more scarce. either way, it bodes badly for me and my ultimate romantic satisfaction.

um, yeah. i'll write more later.

college choice

so it looks like my brother is going to UCLA after all... he visited berkeley this past weekend, it he was totally turned off by the fact that everyone was studying all the time (keep in mind, he was talking to chemical engineering majors, which is what he will start off in). plus, he didn't like the atmosphere of the surrounding city, the bums in the street, etc.

i think it's a good choice. and i'm glad that my parents let him make this decision. or at least, that they relented and could see his point.

the only problem is, it'll be harder for me to visit him while he's in school. i HATE socal!

monday randoms

so how the fuck am i supposed to debug this? we sent in 2400 packets, and 200 of them just plain VANISHED. like *POOF*

the blazing heat outside makes my cigarette breaks very painful. it's like i get the relaxing benefits of nicotine, but the PMS-iness of the heat. it's gross, man!

you know what i don't get? porn that features the guy wearing a condom. i mean, why would you want to advertise that the guy is being desensitized? that the girl is chafing? won't that turn the viewers off?

maybe they want to emphasize having safe sex. but to that, i say BAH. porn is a *fantasy*, and in that fantastical world, you shouldn't have to worry about STD's and getting the girl pregnant. right?

um, yeah.

i'm ready to go home. tonight is _time_ reading (the issue is a whopping 150+ pages long! it better be mostly ads!), although i seem to tic quite a bit while reading. it sucks. alan is gone to chicago for training, so maybe i'll hang out in my place naked? hehe. we shall see.

i like being naked. yesterday afternoon, i took a shower, and i just got out and lounged on my bed, watching a basketball game sans clothes. and coupled with the fact that it's more comfortable in this heat to be without anything on, it just made for a relaxing time. *sigh*

now if i could only sleep in this weather...

heat wave!

holy shit it's hot out there. i fucking hate it. last night, it was like 80 in our place, and even hotter upstairs where i sleep. i can't stand the heat! it's my PMS.

i realized this morning that i'm sad. i'm a sad pup. why? because my roommate will most likely be moving out soon. and then what? i'll have to move myself or find a new roommate? *RAAR* but i love my place! anybody want to live with me? :)

sigh. changes. changes in people's lives. taking steps, moving around, reconfiguring ourselves. i guess it happens to everybody. everybody except me. and that saddens me.

this is a big deal for me. i've always loved living with alan, and the last time he moved out, i think i was pretty bummed out for a while. (i don't think i recovered until i moved in with jay a few years later.)

anyways, i've been pretty listless. it was really noticeable during the afternoons this past weekend, when i would just take naps or sit there doing nothing. what can i say. i've become a boring person!

i remember this time i was depressed in college. i would wake up, go to class, eat lunch, sleep, eat dinner, study a bit, and go back to sleep. it was pretty bad. i forget why i was that way, but these days seem to be a reliving of those dark times.

maybe i need some antidepressants. ha!

speaking of which, i'm seeing my psych this thursday. i definitely need to tell him that my tics are bad, and i need to something (medication-wise) about it. either up the dosage of my abilify, or go back to the atomic-bomb drug haldol.

idle days

yep, definitely seems like my tics are controlling me. i must apologize to my friends for not being social; these days, i spend most of my energy trying not to tic, hence lots of lying around and not talking. sigh.

friday night, i watched alan and peter play videogames (desert storm II) before heading over to mike's place for some hand-made sushi. afterwards, we played the board game "men are from mars, women are from venus," which was interesting.

in the game, you have one person answer a gender-related question, and the other people guess the person's response. i got one that asked, "i prefer sex that is: a) athletic b) emotional c) sensual." hm. i had a tough time picking between b and c, but in the end, i said emotional. i wonder if that's true about me, though... but i do like make-up sex!

afterwards, we played guesstures, this time-limited charades game. i'm always a bit uncomfortable exercising my right brain in games, but in the end, i had a good time with this one.

saturday, i drove up to millbrae to have dim sum with my family, who were in town to visit berkeley. my poor mom isn't doing well healthwise, and i was really worried about her. i dunno. watching my parents grow old just really saddens and depresses me. i wish people could stay young forever.

my brother's motorola camera phone is much better than mine. it has zoom!

i took a nap after i got back, got up at 4, and putzed around lying on the futon watching basketball until i went back up to the airport to pick up jay and margaret, who were arriving from their vacation in the bahamas. it was good to see them.

sunday, i met up with adam and company to watch _burning dreams_, a san francisco international film festival documentary about this "taiwanese gene kelly/fred astaire" and his dance studio in shanghai. it was mildly interesting, and i came away thinking, "damn, i should visit shanghai. there are lots of girls there!" hehe.

once again, i spent the afternoon putzing around, and we cooked up some steaks (yes, i had beef) for dinner and just hung out until 10:30 or so.

so you can see, i didn't do much this weekend. i just don't feel social, like i said, and i desperately need to get out of this two-month funk.

do you know what you want?

sometimes i ask myself that question. because sometimes i think i know what i want, but in reality, i really don't. and how do i know? because once i get finally get it, my desire for the object falls off a cliff. having negates wanting, to put it succinctly.

last night's episode of _scrubs_ reminded me of this question. basically, j.d. breaks down and pours his heart out to elliot (a girl), and tells her that he loves her, and that causes elliot to break up with her boyfriend and go back to j.d. but once he had her (as the next episode suggests), he doesn't want her anymore.

and that's a bitch, ain't it?

i've been in that situation before, i.e. pining after a lost girl, thinking that i want her so badly, only to realize, "meh... not really." like, i notice that sometimes there is a falloff of affection after having sex. it's like, your unsatisfied unsatiated libido makes you think you really want the girl, but once you blow your wad, reality sets in, and it's a reality devoid of any true poignant emotion.

and that's why i think it's important to flood the pipes often. because it keeps you honest. :)

*RAAR*

so i asked the organizers of the speed dating event about one of the hostesses, and...

1) i was told she was indeed single
2) i was not told how to get a hold of her
3) i was told to concentrate on my two matches instead of the hostess

*RAAR*!!!

i mean, what's the problem here?? the organizers should be cognizant that their MISSION here is to hook up ALL available single people, not just the ones that signed up for speed dating! plus, i'm good at multitasking, and i can handle one more girl in my pipeline. grrrr... that chaps my hide.

and i realized why i think she's so cute... she reminds me of charlene from the HK pop duo twins! (yes, i do note that earlier, i said that gillian of twins was cuter, but still, they're both rather smiteworthy.)

and yes. i got two matches out of this recent round. not sure i totally remember everything about them, but i will try to follow up, at least through e-mail for now.

drugs

i've often wondered what hardcore drugs are like. like, cocaine, or even heroin. i remember that scene in _trainspotters_ where the girl shoots up heroin for the first time, and she something like how it's 1000 times better than an orgasm. damn, i'd like to know how that feels.

but the problem is, i'm petrified of the consequences. prison time, getting addicted, or dying of an overdose, etc. but still, the curiosity lingers.

i've had opportunities to try ecstacy before, but i've always balked. the thing is, E affects your serotonin levels (lowering them, i think), and tourette's is rumored to also be related to levels of that neurotransmitter. so, the way i see it, on E, i might turn into a non-stop twitching ticcing freak! so, instead, i passed.

but yeah. i want to to know.

i mean, i was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and basically, she said that life is mostly limited as far as how happy you can get. you can fall in love, you can have an orgasm, but those are basically the upper bounds of how good you can feel.

but! drugs can expand the range of what you feel. and who wouldn't be curious as to see how wide that range goes?

so yeah. life is sort of blah once you get used to it, at least that's how i see it. and drugs are a gateway to another level of existence. but i'm just too afraid to see what that level is like.

fasting unintentionally

bad bad me. i haven't eaten in 24 hours. not feeling terribly hungry, but definitely weak. shame on me!

ok, there. i just e-mailed the speed dating people and asked them if the hostess girl was single. ha! i definitely have a slight weakness for good-looking toes with french tips. and she had a cute face to boot. radiant eyes!

so i missed _AI_ and _the OC_ last night. i heard hudson got kicked out, AND that fantasia and la toya were among the bottom three. what happened? it's like american suddenly decided it didn't like african american women or something. weird. i thought john stevens would surely get the boot after his lackluster rendition of barry manilow's "mandy."

*yawn* i got horrible sleep last night, as i said before. maybe a good 2-3 hours of solid shuteye? during basketball today, instead of doing my normal routine of shooting around the key, i just walked over to the wall and sat down. clearly the lack of sleep and not eating is affecting me.

i really really want to make it to 180! yet, i think this crash diet is going to backfire on me if i ever decide to eat like i used to. and, i have a sneaking suspicion that part of the reason why my tics are so bad is because of my bad diet. i must be missing some chemical or substance that regulates my tourette's.

speed dating, round 2

so i went home, took a shower, dressed up, watched some of the pistons/bucks game, and waited for ben to show up. and we drove to palo alto.

upon arriving at f&a's, we immediately hopped up to the bar and ordered drinks. ben had two gin and tonics, and i had two grey goose and tonics. man, the second was stiff. and seeing as i only had pho for lunch and no dinner...

...empty stomach buzz. a strong one.

which was good, because it really loosened me up and reduced my tics.

this time around, there were like 20+ women instead of just 10 from the other time. which made it a better bang for my buck, but then again, it was nearly impossible to remember everyone.

and my biggest fear? running into someone i had met at the previous speed dating round? it came true. two of the women were there, and for whatever reason, we just acted like we had met for the first time. heh. i actually had better conversations with them the second time around (one of them was really nervous last time, and the other one just kept drilling me with "what do you do for fun?")

i don't know if it was the personnel or the alcohol, but i had a better time this time around. i can't say for sure i was totally attracted to anyone, but at least i had good conversations. and four minutes go by quickly when you're chatting up a storm.

i didn't sleep well last night, though; i kept on dreaming that i was trying to go to sleep, which is a recursive nightmare. and in the middle of the night, i sprang out of bed and had the runs. it was really gross, so gross that i put on boxers out of fear of soiling my sheets.

fyi, i marked down four yes's, even though i can only remember three of them. i think. *shrug* we'll see how it goes.

the hostess (irene) was pretty cute, though; i'm thinking about e-mailing and organizers and asking what's up with her. :)

commando

ok, i'm out of here within an hour. alan has persuaded me to take a shower before going speed dating. which i think is a good idea, but it just never occurred to me because i always take my main shower right before going to bed. but yes, i do agree that smelling nice and clean might be a good selling point.

so i think i'll be going with a pair of banana republic chinos, my black striped (subtle stripes) club monaco buttondown, my black kenneth cole shoes, and my martini boxers. hey, underwear is important!

it's be awesome if i ask the girl about her, and she replies, "i'm not wearing any underwear right now." i think i'd bust a chub right there on the spot.

i've had daring ex's before, with regards to going commando. one of the early ones had this long black skirt that if you stretched out, you could see through. and she went without undies in that! i guess that from afar, you might be able to make out her mound of pubic thatch, so yeah, that turned me on.

and another girl met my parents while not wearing any underwear. (she was wearing a thin white dress that would show pantylines, so she opted to not wear any panties at all.) pretty scandalous, i might say. but it pleased me to no end.

i have never gone without boxers, though. my big fear is that my penishead (or pubes) would get totally ripped up on my pants' zipper, a la ben stiller in _there's something about mary_. but i did once wear my girlfriend's skirt with no underwear. why? no zipper to threaten me! i even did a somersault in front of her. :)

sex on a chair

so apparently, i have a strong (which is an understatement) liking for a certain sexual position: "girl sitting on a chair." yep. a few days ago, i saw a classic scene featuring said position, and man, it was just so fucking titillating! i think i went from flaccid to major wood within seconds.

so, i think corollaries of this position (like "girl on a countertop" or "girl on a washing machine") can be just as good, but dude, "girl on a chair" is just amazing to behold. if there were a dvd with just this one position, i'd snap it up in a heartbeat.

going back to the countertop (like the bathroom sink platform) position, though, i've noticed something about how it feels to the guy. there's a certain "snap" to it, like when you're going in, there's an inexplicable thing that feels sort of like a, um, "snap." shit, i can't explain it, but i wonder if anyone out there knows that i'm talking about.

and one of the best things about these positions is that it is quite easy to go from the intercourse to the girl blowing you, i.e. there is no getting off and switching places; you just withdraw and stand straight, and the girl can hop off the countertop and inhale you. such efficacy!

wednesday randoms

ah, the wonderful dearth of blogging!

as you might have noticed, there just isn't anything new to write about. new, aside from the continuous stress and tics and worriment and all that shit that's been plaguing my life.

lke today, i was all set to start debugging my last block, but i got hit with a bunch of chip-level tests to debug. *RAAR* i mean, i *like* procrastinating, but this is too much!

so today's the big day! *sigh* i'm debating which club monaco shirt to wear, and i'm glad that i don't weight 200+ and won't have to show off my impressive paunch. i mean, i've still got a paunch, but it's respectable now, i think. especially when i stand up straight.

i did eat a whole red baron four-cheese pizza last night. but i didn't have much for lunch (just a cup o'noodles), so i'm still at 182 pounds. which is pretty good! that's 20 pounds under my max! *huzzah*

my goal is 180, but i can see myself going even lower, maybe 175? i'm sort of becoming anorexic (not really, but i do skip meals and enjoy the feeling of hunger), which worries me, but i do love food too much to become a true hard-core hunger fiend.

i just want to fit into my tight shirts and taupe pants again.

aside from ticcing and looking like a freak at speed dating, i'm sort of worried about something else: running into someone i negged before at the other round i went to last year. i mean, if that happens, what do you say? "hey, sorry i denied you last time, so how are you doing?" ha!

but yeah, i just want tonight over with. i'm already upset that i have to miss _ai_ and _the oc_. i hope i programmed my VCR right.

a visible likeness?

hm. so according to empire interactive, the videogame company, it looks like my game is out!

for those of you who don't know, i was paid $1500 to stand in for chow yun-fat in the videogame based on _bulletproof monk_. it was a one-day job, and i had to practically shave my head, get my hairline altered, wear a bunch of makeup, and put on the actual clothes worn by chow (which fit perfectly, oddly enough). and after that, they took pictures of me. lots and lots of pictures. with some weird (e.g. heisman) poses.

anyways, i'm trying to contact them to see if i can get a free copy of the game and press promos... judging from the picture, i can't tell if they used my face or not. i mean, i can *sort* of see myself in this one screenshot, but i'm not sure. hehe. :)

[just talked to them, and it seems the game is "on hold," i.e. it might not ever be released. *RAAR*]

grueling tuesday

can't seem to work today. i have one block left to test, which is the good news. the inevitable bad news is that it's the hardest one, and the most poorly written. arrgh.

does anybody else get eczema when they're stressed? ugh. i get it on my face, and it looks like i've been punched on both cheeks. bad bad bad!

um, yeah. not much going on today. basketball was very grueling (4 on 4 full court), and we just couldn't win any of the games. i even missed a fast break point blank layup. *RAAR*

on a positive note, the kitchen is now restocked with dr pepper. *cheer*

here's something embarrassing. friday night, at _kill bill vol. 2_, i bumped into my friend dave. he brought a girl, and i recognized her as one of the orkut girls i e-mailed a few weeks ago. she wrote back once, and then i never heard from her again. i hope she didn't recognize me!

so my brother apparently enjoyed UCLA. he (and my family) will be up in the bay area this weekend, visiting berkeley. hopefully i'll be able to meet up with them and at least have a meal. although, i sort of don't want my family (especially my mom) to see me in my current tourettic state.

actually, to be perfectly honest, i am in no social mood these days. except maybe talking on the phone or something. and this is pretty alarming, because i haven't been in a tic-related hermit mode in years. not to mention the speed dating shindig tomorrow night. maybe i'll get there early and liquor up. ha!

so why *were* john stevens and diana degarmo holding hands during last week's _american idol_? HMMM?

google, feigning passion

it's amazing the shit you can find out about someone on google. like, this girl that i had have this crush on is coming out here in a few weeks. how did i find this out? google.

too bad i can't use this to my advantage, huh?

feigning passion is a really hard thing. and that's a thought that crossed my mind last night during _alias_. when one of the characters had to pretend to love someone, and not only that, have sex with her, i thought, "damn, that's tough to do!"

i don't even think i could get it up for someone i don't like.

boners, revving up

i think i inherited my frazzled (i.e. easily stressed out) temperament from my mother's side. ack.

i popped a few random boners while watching basketball this week. like, i'd be lying there on the futon, and WHAM-O! a boner! weird, huh?

it's funny, because the sexuality of the situation i'm in and my state of arousal don't always coincide. (see previous statement for one example.) like, i could be watching porn, or i'd be at a strip club with completely naked girls, and i'd feel nothing. other times, the most asexual of venues could turn me on. it's odd.

but, i have noticed that once i'm turned on, anything sexual just adds fuel to the fire. and what's interesting about this is how the brain works... like once it latches onto the idea that it's in the mood, everything else becomes erotic. quite amazing!

sometimes sex does seem like a chore, though. there have been times in the past where i just didn't want to do it anymore. (there were other circumstances that made it such, and i don't need to go into that again.) but despite difficulties in getting revved up for romping, i have never, *never* regretted an orgasm. :)

post-food coma

i'm getting sick of indian food. as you know, i had sneha indian buffet friday night, and today, for lunch, we went there again. i guess i could have spoken up and vetoed the suggestion, but... oh well. it's my fault then, isn't it? :(

gotta remind myself to do laundry tonight. i'm out of socks! i'm wearing my silver steve madden shoes today, and since the outside is made of funky plastic, the shoes don't really breathe all that well. so the end result is: sweaty feet! ick.

i'm not really looking forward to speed dating on wednesday. i looked at some sample profiles on the site, and the people seem to be in their early 30's. which is a little old for me. *RAAR* so i guess i have low expectations about the whole thing, which is good, except that i have high expectations about who i eventually end up with. *shrug*

tics are horrible during meals these days. i basically went berserk at sneha today, and my poor coworkers must have been wondering what the hell was going on with me. i kept on telling myself, "ok, that's the last tic," but there was no way that was true. ugh.

and that worries me. i don't want to get all twitchy and shit at speed dating. it'll create such a scene (a negative one). so add that to the list of reasons why i'm not so enthused about wednesday night; it might just turn out to be a disaster.

i'll tell you one more thing about tics in this entry: we touretters have to keep on ticcing until it feels "right." which means sometimes you'll see a huge sequence of the same tic over and over again, which can be *really* freaky to behold. and lately, none of my tics feel right, which means... yep, you guessed it, dardy the epileptic!

lots and lots of sleep

friday night, we went to sneha (indian food), and watched _kill bill vol. 2_ at 10:30. BUT. we got to the theater at 8:30 for the 9:15 showing, which was sold out. yep. we spent TWO HOURS at the theater doing absolutely nothing. surprisingly, though, it wasn't as painful as you might think. but looking back, what a waste of time that was.

the movie was so-so. i liked the first one better (i.e. more fights, more blood).

saturday, i got called into work at 10am. i slept a bit more after the call, and wound up heading out to the office at noon. it turned out it wasn't my problem, but for some reason, i still spent two hours at the office doing nothing. oh, and i had a decent IM chat with k4 while i was there.

i went back home, took a nap, and headed off to downtown SJ to meet up with the bowling gang for some chicago-style pizza. it was good shit, although i only had 3 slices for my only meal of the day. and we also split a pitcher of beer (spaten).

i weight 182.4 or so the next morning. *huzzah*

afterwards, we headed off to mike's place to chill for a bit. while mike watched the rockets/lakers game, the rest of us watched a television broadcast of _the mummy returns_. i left at 9:30...

...and slept for FIFTEEN HOURS. yup. i got up at 2:45pm. it was glorious glorious stuff, except that i was severely dehydrated and kind of dizzy after getting up. and then, after getting some afternoon breakfast, what did i do? i took yet ANOTHER nap!

alan and ting came back from walnut creek, and we went to golden phoenix, this chinese supermarket in mountain view. i got mochi, apple milk tea boxes, strawberry shortcake newtons, guava juice, and shrimp chips. we headed to jay's place to pick up alpha (their beta fish), went to the mcdonald's drive-thru, and watched _alias_ while munching on fast food.

floating fat

to the bashful "reader" who recommended halu ramen: i went there today for lunch, and i didn't exactly enjoy their ramen. 1) it was too fatty, as there were bits of pork fat floating all over the place and 2) it was too salty. fyi, i got the halu ramen with cha-shu. oh, and the noodles were too hard.

i think i'm sticking with ryowa, until i visit santa in san mateo.

so today started out stressfully. it turned out that for padded packets, i was doing the checksum wrong, i.e. i needed to terminate the calculation before the padding started. i thought this was really tough, and it totally stressed my ass out during lunch and afterwards.

but, it turned out to be a half an hour fix, and now i'm back to where i was! *flex*

i'm looking forward to the weekend. i have no plans whatsoever, even less than in previous weekends, so we'll just see what happens. i do want to take some pictures, though; i haven't posted up one of my own photos in ages, huh?

i was ticcing very very HARD during lunch today. people must have been staring at me, a realization that i haven't felt in a long long time (years). i wonder what my coworkers think when i break out in to an epileptic fit. :/ it must freak them out, i bet.

the most beautiful face

yesterday, we received our copy of _FHM_ magazine, and along with it came a bonus spread of their "top 100 sexiest women."

i looked through it, and most of the women were forgettable. some were kind of pretty, others were like, "so what?" some of my favorite nubiles were in there, though, people like natalie portman and keira knightley.

but there was one face in there that i just couldn't stop staring at, because it was so striking...

#85 rachael leigh cook!

yep. i love this girl. she's soooooo captivating! i don't know what it is, but i must have reopened the spread like four more times just to stare at her. i mean, she doesn't have a hot body (a cute body, though), but her face... man oh man.

sigh.

thursday night television

so last night, mtv was showing this extreme makeover episode called "i want a famous face." basically, this guy was OBSESSED with jlo. but he didn't just obsess over her, he wanted to *BE* her. yup. the guy was a transsexual of some sort.

so he got some plastic surgery to lower his hairline, get cheek implants, a C-cup boob job; they showed the surgery, but it made me queasy so i changed the channel. but i couldn't stay away from the show! he looked totally gruesome after the surgery, sort of like a feminized marilyn manson. ick.

it's amazing what people will go through to "achieve their dreams." i mean, this dude was born a man, but he was convinced he was a woman, and not only that, a jennifer lopez wannabe. scary that medical technology can let people do that nowadays.

also, when (during _the apprentice_ finale) did the show switch from being taped ot being live? it was seamless! and congratulations to bill, although i think he's going to be little more than a figurehead in overseeing the construction of that huge building/hotel.

then again...

...it's all about perspective.

i miss jack in the box's pizza pockets and chicken mushroom burgers. i don't know if you remember those, but they were around in the early 90's. man, that was good shit.

i'm hungry. wondering where my next meal is going to come from. garlic burrito sounds pretty damn fine right now.

wow. my armpits really smell. funny thing is, they didn't used to. in fact, the first time i got a whiff of the "stench" was when i buried my head into my gf's armpit. i was like, "WHAT IS THAT ODOR??!!" hehe.

ok. i don't have much more to say. it's been a long fucking day, and i am OUTTA HERE.

help

i need peace. desperately. every waking conscious moment is like a hellstorm.

*RAAR*

oddly enough, i only feel peaceful when i'm horizontal or naked. ha!

it's all regressing. ALL OF IT. i thought i was over this fucking TS. i was like, "well, it usually gets better in the latter 20's" and BAM! i hit the late 20's, and things definitely improved. but now... it's all just... the old hell.

sigh.

i don't understand my body. or my brain.

yeah, life is hard right now. pretty damn fucking hard.

i just wonder... i wonder what i'm doing wrong. i wonder what happened to make things so bad. i wonder what i can do about it, and i wonder when it's going to get better. because i can't stand being like this.

thursday randoms

wow, i feel like shit today. my tics are bad, my shoulders hurt, my left ankle and knee were acting up during basketball, and now i have a fucking headache. *RAAR*

have you ever had GREEN puke? well, i did the other night. drank some odwalla superfood (you know, the green spirulina shit), felt sick, and yacked it back up. it felt like slime was oozing (though at a faster rate) out of my mouth.

red puke is also quite neat... it happened to me after i vomited some hawaiian punch. yay for colors!

and let's see... cold puke is also a thing to behold. ice cream. yup.

i am a bulimic wannabe, i guess. definitely a well-seasoned yacker.

have you ever gotten the urge to just wipe your ass? because it feels good? i'm in that state right now; as soon as i finish up this entry, i'm gonna go to the bathroom and clean my sphincter.

do people still use the term "making love?" i haven't heard it for a long time now. personally, i prefer the use of the word "romp" because it makes sex sound like run, like two rambunctious animals going at it. romp romp romp!

been debugging today. not my shit, but other people's shit. this chip is so large and convoluted and complex that i am afraid that the verification environment is getting unwieldy. ho hum.

very little going on today. i think that's getting to be the norm, and that worries me. what can i blog about if nothing is happening, and more importantly, my brain isn't creating thoughts?

speaking of brains, i am thinking about changing medication and going back to the old venerable atomic bomb of antipsychotics, haldol. *shrug* we'll see after i talk to my psych about it. but abilify just ain't working for me these days.

ok, off to clean my asshole!

rare morning blog

i voted for john stevens last night. it's toll-free, right?

jasmine didn't do so well, and i think it's time for diana degarmo to go.

last night, i tried to create my own version of mongolian bbq. no, i didn't cook, but i went to the mr chau's wannabe, got the chow mein, and doused it with chili paste when i got home. it just wasn't the same. nothing matches the noodles when they're coated with the hot sauce and made fresh right off the steaming hot iron platform. *slurps*

anyhow, i had a little thing going for summer (rachel bilson) last night during _the OC_. seeing her hold up the drill... man, it's true what they say about the "girl + power tools" fetish! hee.

but poor luke. they just had to write him out of the show, huh? i figured as such; he's done all the damage he can do, and he doesn't fit in romantically with anyone anymore, so... adieu beefcake!

and the mention of the "care bear stare" on last night's episode brought back memories. i occasionally used to call one of my ex's "carebear" (thought i spelled it differently, with a 'k' obviously :), and when she said the phrase, she would punch out her nice perky chest upon the word "stare." it was cute, even though i had never watched the care bears before.

ok, time to start preparing for basketball. more later, ok?

wednesday randoms

so i just told cindy that my life is both stressful and boring. quite a strange combination, isn't it? but i think it makes sense to me.

so i've dated a model, and i've dated a cheerleader, among other things. what else is there? a nurse? a french maid? a gymnast? hehe.

i wonder when barry bonds hits 5 more homers, whether people will announce loudly, "AND HE HITS NUMBER 666!" ha!

clockwatching is an excruciating thing. which is why i hate to fly. i can't sleep on planes, so the entire trip (especially a trans-ocean one) is just one big clockwatching period of hell. ick. i mean, a few hours is tolerable, but 10+ hours? that's some painful shit!

wow, i really don't have anything to say today. it's sort of amazing how i used to be able to pump out 7000+ characters a day on the old journal. and then, once i started blogging, my thoughts became shorter and more concise. and now, in this small epoch of stressfulness, i can't come up with shit! interesting how my brain seems to be slowly changing.

have you guys had pita chips? they're really good! we got a bag in on monday, and now it's completely empty. and what's really neat is that you can spit on the concrete outside after eating the chips, and the pita chip-filled loogie will dry up and look like puke. nice!

we had lunch at chili's today. i was SO craving beef, either a burger or a country fried steak. but instead, i got shrimp alfredo pasta. and THAT's what you call "settling." (the waitress had cool glasses.)

and you know what's annoying? people who clap their hands when they laugh. i mean, is it THAT funny? ok, maybe i'm being harsh here, and maybe it's because i hang out with engineers (who do the clapping thing) with the worst sense of humor. i mean, one guy busted out with a PUN today and start laughing! eh? puns are the LOWEST form of humor!

female sibling protection

i wonder if i would be protective if i had a little sister. like, especially a HOT little sister. guys would lust after her. hell, being the closet (same-generational) incest fiend that i am, *i* might lust after her.

*ahem*

but i digress. anyways, i get protective of my own friends, and i wonder how much of that be amplified if the friend were of my own blood. maybe my imaginary sister would be relegated to a life of celibacy (or secret affairs) because of me. ha!

but i think it would be so weird to meet the guy who's poking my sister. especially if he smirks when he tells me, "dude, your sis can suck a golf ball through a garden hose!" eek!

*yawn*

i'm a tired puppy these days.

or rather, i should be reincarnated as a cat. a sleepy, narcoleptic cat.

ok, debugging is going ok. after i finish up with this one (egressRx), in only have egressTx to do! well, that's not such *great* news, because that's the hardest of the four blocks i had to code... it does two-channel cellification! *pukes*

i am hard up for some caffeine right now. the company is out of coke, and the new cokes that the hr girl put in there aren't cold enough to consume. who wants lukewarm soda? bleck. so i'm drinking iced tea right now.

so i'm glad there's some tv to watch tonight. last night was a bust, where they had a _that 70's show_ marathon on fox instead of AI/24. so i tried to watch _enemy of the state_ but soon got bored. i went up to my room at around 9pm, which must have been a record of earliness for me.

life is really boring right now. i get in phases where i wonder to myself, "what am i doing? what the FUCK am i doing???" alan occasionally asks me what my next big thing is, and i just have no clue. meanwhile, the man himself is planning THREE (count'em!) vacations in the next three months. lucky son of a bitch. *grumbles*

the way i see it, i have to take TWO vacations back to back to really do something fun. the first vacation would be de-stress and get back to normal (i.e. non-ticcy) state, and the second would be the real one. man. i don't have the PTO hours to do that kind of stuff.

so far, the bed bugs have disappeared. *knocks on wood* so i'm just waiting for my multiple bites to heal. what petrifies me, though, is them biting my penis or something. wouldn't that be a painful thing. i shiver just thinking about it. *shudders*

interference

so ting tells me that bush is announcing a press conference, and therefore _american idol_ and _24_ (which i don't watch, but my roommates watch) are getting bumped to later broadcast dates.

WHAT THE FUCK!

WHO IS THIS MAN THAT INTERFERES WITH MY ENTERTAINMENT?!!

*RAAR*

oh well, i guess it worked out then. i'll have time to do the reading that i missed last night. but man, that sure is a fucking bummer.

i'm clockwatching right now. my head hurts, and i just want to go home.

pounding

wow. i have a RAGING mofo of a headache right now.. waiting for the advil to kick in.

i wonder if it's not a coincidence that my tics got bad soon after i started my diet. hm.

so the good news is that one of my credit cards had only two charges in the past month. the bad news is that one of the purchases was four tires for my car. *RAAR*

*thirty minutes later*

ok, i feel better now. still a little dizzy, and my eye sockets feel like they're being stretched from the inside. hm.

i got a spam e-mail yesterday with a picture of a dog having sex with a woman. interesting. the only worry i have is that kids are most likely getting the same stuff, and i think it would cause quite a bit of shock on their part. bestiality ain't for kids!

a while back, i caught a video of a horse humping a woman from behind. holy shit, that was quite a sight! ever heard of the term "hung like a horse?" no shit, man; the equine penis was several FEET long! i had no idea.

the horse didn't last very long, though. i wonder if animals actually enjoy sex if it only lasts a few seconds. thank goodness humans aren't the type to go for only half a minute (that is, if you don't have premature ejaculation problems); we actually get to have fun while doing it.

i remember times when i was romping, and i could feel myself about to blow my wad (it's an unmistakable feeling), so i'd start trying to multiplying large numbers in my head. or count backwards by 7 or something. ha! it sort of worked, but in the end, sometimes i had no choice but to do the start/stop thing. or stop, give head for a little bit, and hop back in.

ah, the things we do in bed!

the option

so one of my friend has a sister, and her dad told her (the sister) that maybe she should just quit her job, find a man, and in not so many words, become a housewife.

not that i advocate doing so, but i think that it's sort of unfair that women can do that if they want. i mean, what if *I* want to quit my job and find a sugar momma? that just ain't gonna happen.

hrmph.

tuesday randoms

so last night, i ran into a girl who i had a small thing with. (not a relationship thing, but it was evident that we both liked each other, and we spent a lot of time together.) and this "thing" happened ten years ago.

it was a bit surreal.

aside from that, i went to a taiko alum dinner at gombei, and stopped by practice for a while. honestly, it wasn't very interesting. those of you who read my old geocities journal will know that there was a time when i missed taiko tremendously. but the old flame just isn't there anymore. *shrug*

let's see... not much to report over here. except that i got some google search phrase last night (i don't remember it exactly) concerning jamming pizza sticks up a girl's vagina. sort of violent, if you ask me, although i think it's neat that you can eat the object out. bon appetit!

so yes! ben and i both signed up for the speed dating round next wednesday in downtown palo alto. should be a nice break from not meeting anyone, although like i said, i'm not holding any high expectations for who i'll meet.

also, the age range for this event is 25-35. i like 25, but 30-35 falls a little out of my range for who i'd like to meet. let's hope that they split the age groups down the middle (at 30) and put me in the younger one. heh.

i HATE getting out of bed these days. because the moment i get up, i start ticcing. *RAAR* motherfucker! but while i'm in bed, all is just peaceful and right with the world. no wonder i love sleep so much, huh?

ok, more later.

monday randoms

sorry for the lack of regular afternoon blogging. i was in a meeting from 1:30 to 3:00, and then, i was frustrated because ncverilog wasn't working for an hour, and then i spent some quality time debugging my shit.

ah, another monday. i have a taiko dinner tonight, the first one in a long ass time. we're going to gombei (where else?) and then hitting the current group's practice at dinkelspiel auditorium on campus. should be interesting, although the OCD side of me is a bit concerned that i won't get my _time_ magazine reading on my usual monday nights.

i'm wearing a paul frank t-shirt tonight. i keep on having to explain to my puzzled coworkers who he is, and why he likes monkeys. *shrug*

so i'm 80% sure i'm going to do the speed dating thing in palo alto next wednesday. i just have to get off of my lazy ass and actually register/pay for the event.

the thing about being ninth wheel during the weekend is, i just got really upset. i mean, i'm not desperate for a girlfriend, but i just don't like the idea of being by myself when all the other people are paired up in two's and holding hands and all that shit. *pukes* and i'm just not meeting people, and these couple friends of mine aren't helping.

i'm going to try to drag benboy along with me to the speed dating round. he seems interested in going, despite the $35 price tag put on guys. so we'll see. i have low expectations, by the way.

i wonder if my roommate thinks i sleep way too much. in fact, i pretty much *know* that he thinks that. i wonder if he knows *why* i sleep the amount that i do. it's my escape. it's my escape away from the stress of life, and more specifically, its manifestation in the form of tics. i just don't tic when i'm lying down, hence... sleep.

man chowder, chilled

"making male cum ice cubes"

wow! this never occured to me! quite an interesting take on the tradition of ingesting spooge, methinks. ha!

the only problem with making ice cubes out of spunk is... how do you get enough to make them? you'd pretty much need a veritable BUKKAKE-FEST to get enough semen for just one ice cube!

but just imagine that... vodka chilled on spunk! and as the cubes melt, the drink gets all milky and cloudy and stuff. and gives off just a touch of that chlorine taste. how interesting!

bedbugs

the backstory behind the weekend was that i couldn't sleep well at all. there were bugs in my bed.

yup. bugs. in my bed.

i have all these insect bites, from my arms, to my ass and hamstring and even my FACE. it's really nasty and disturbing to think that i was sleeping among hungry, blood-sucking bugs.

needless to say, i got very bad sleep, as my whole body was itching, and i was feeling these stinging sensations (real and imaginary) all over my body throughout the night. i think on saturday night, i finally fell asleep at 5am. ick.

so i did my sheets yesterday, and *fingers crossed*, things seem better now.

gross.

the ninth wheel

friday night, i didn't do a single thing. nobody was picking up their phones, so i just watched some nba games and went to sleep early.

saturday, i woke up at noon, and i had lunch with ben at goldilocks. filipino food! it was heavy stuff, man. but good and tasty. i went home with food coma and took a nap.

peter dropped by, and once again, we went to the mall. macy's was having a big sale, and i got a micro-polyester ben sherman shirt for $20.

for dinner, i went up with jay and company to the sunset to this place called marnee thai, which supposedly has gotten a lot of awards and stuff. but the jun pad poo i ordered was REALLY BAD, so i can't quite recommend the restaurant.

afterwards, we joined up with alan and ting at voda, this vodka bar in the financial district. it was really trendy, and the waitress was showing off her nice legs and puma shoes and this butterfly tattoo on her back, but the rest of the people just weren't attractive. it was like a lounge for the mediocre. i ordered a grey goose citroen straight up and did a shot, and that was about it as far as drinking goes.

i decided that i don't really like vodka. it has no taste, other than that of rubbing alcohol.

but the bummer of the night was really that i was the 9th wheel... yup, poor old dardy and FOUR couples. i felt really out of the loop in that situation, and it's best that i never put myself in that situation again. i need more single friends!

sunday, i woke up at noon once again, and went with byron up to the city again, this time to japantown for some lunch and a buru-buru hunt. i still don't know what buru-buru looks like, so don't ask. :) we had lunch (zaru-soba and una-don for me) at mifune, and walked around the stores on the quest. but alas, no buru-buru to be found.

i went home, took a nap, and for dinner, we headed to palo alto's qcup, so that i could be 9th wheel yet again. woo-hoo! hung out with the couples, grabbed some pizza, went home for _alias_, and that was it.

feeling better

ok, so my heartburn is gone. just had a small slice of pecan pie. yums!

friday is slowly winding down here at the office. it feels good. we just had an ice cream social to celebrate some milestones that we've reached. *huzzah*

i still haven't signed up for the speed dating round in less than two weeks. problem #1 is the fact that i'm still very ticcy, and i don't want to freak anybody out. problem #2 is more of an annoyance: it's on a wednesday night! yes, i can tape _the OC_, but who the hell holds a speed dating round on a wednesday night? sheesh. i'd rather have it on the weekend when i can rest up and get perky.

i've taken three dumps today already. it worries me because i thought i had trained myself to do one main dump a day, the first thing in the morning. this "training" happened last march, when i was in boston, and we were walking around downtown when i suddenly had the runs. it scarred me so much that i decided i'd get my dumps over with in the morning and not have to worry about it the rest of the day.

so what happens when you're on a ski slope, and you have to take a shit? that's probably one of my logistical nightmares. ick. (luckily for me, though, i've given up skiing, so i won't have to face this dilemma.)

ho hum.

*twiddles his thumbs*

i think it's time to go home.

toodles!

fight! let's romp

well, i'm paying for it now.

i went nuts at the mongolian bbq place, and i had two bowls, complete with tons of garlic, chili sauce, and chili oil. and now, i have a supreme case of heartburn. not to mention the food coma.

but damn, it was good while it lasted though.

let's see here... oh, i was thinking how sometimes sex (i.e. having it too much) can mask the weaknesses of a relationship. like, sex can be a fake bond between two people, and if they have it a lot, they keep thinking, "oh, i must be really close to this person because i have all this great sex," but in reality, there isn't much else holding the relationship together.

i think i've been in that phase before. and i got this e-mail from a reader mentioning loneliness while in a relationship, and not really connecting with the other person, and it made me think of this topic. *shrug* i'm not putting down sex (it's a great thing!), but i just wanted to briefly mention that it's can sometimes be a bandaid that covers up deeper problems.

i mean, have you ever been in a fight, and before completely resolving it, you have sex, and afterwards, in post-coital bliss, the issue just disappears? that's what i'm talking about. yup.

friday goodness

thank fucking goodness it's friday! woo-hoo!

i spoke too soon about not indulging in my #3 craving: a garlic burrito. last night, after i got my haircut, i stopped by bueno bueno and got the charro with bbq pork. the meat was so-so, but damn, the burrito as a whole was really really good. a little too much food, but still stupendous! and no pukage, either!

so i KNEW it! the #1 friends episode once again dealt with ross and rachel. their whole story of unrequited love is so much more compelling than the other love story in the series, i.e. chandler and that annoying monica.

these days, i really treasure my weekends. it's not that i do anything all that special, but i am much more aware of the juxtaposition of my work week and the weekend. it's like my stress level drops a whole 10 notches once i leave the office and know that i have 2.5 days to recuperate. sigh.

i just wish my tics didn't rule me this way. it's bringing back really bleak memories of a few years ago, the last time that i had it this bad. but in between, when my tourette's was under control, it was like i was *normal* again. and that felt so good to know/believe that. but now... it's like i'm back to square one. and that depresses me.

*RAAR*

aside from that, i have no real plans for the weekend. i'm kind of missing march madness already, because for the last few weeks, i've at least been guaranteed some good basketball games on tv. hm.

we'll see.

thursday randoms

i am dreaming (literally the case last night) about mongolian bbq. hopefully we'll go there tomorrow so i can get my fix.

a major issue was being debugged in my cube just now. it was a performance issue. and these things are some of the most frustrating things to debug; it's not like things aren't working, but they're just working too *slowly*. and it's hard work finding out where the problem is.

anyways, my boss thanked me twice for helping with the debug effort, which felt good. he doesn't compliment me enough, but then again, maybe it's my own doing. hehe.

from 1997 to 2000, my salary jumped 58%. from 2000 to 2004, it fell 5%, and has not changed since 2001. what the fuck, man?

during basketball today, charles asked me, "what happened to your hair?" hehe. yeah, my hair hasn't been very flattering of late... it's a fuzzball, partially because i don't gel it up very often, and partially because i'm overdue on a haircut. i think i'll get it cut this weekend. (it's been over a month.)

so back to girls wearing nothing but a buttondown: i may or may not add a pair of black stacked heel penny loafers. then i get TWO fetishes in one! *cheer* oh, and btw, the shirt is buttoned; *i* want to be the one who unbuttons her. :)

hungry. wondering what i'm going to eat tonight. these days, i crave very specific things, even though i may be starving. high on the list at random times are: 1) pizza, 2) chinese food with rice, 3) a burrito with lots of garlic. the problem with #3 is that there's only one place i know of that has it, and i usually get the burrito with steak, which i don't eat anymore. *RAAR*

oxford goodness

"girls in buttondowns naked"

ah, one of my favorite things. though i don't think i've ever had one dress up wearing nothing but a buttondown, but hey, one can always STRIVE. and i have plenty of good oxford shirts that would work! for example, the last white ben sherman with blue accents would do nicely. :)

nothing much more to say on this topic, except that i like it. ok, more later.

the swan

nothing much going on today. except, can i say, that sleep is WONDERFUL in these chilly mornings. although, i sort of feel guilty saying that sleep is the thing i look forward to most throughout the day. sounds kind of morbid, doesn't it? (cue the smiths's "asleep")

i felt really bad watching parts of _the swan_ last night. fyi, the show is a beauty pageant where they take "homely" girls and put them through a full-on cosmetic surgery enhancement process. stuff like facejobs, liposuction, cardio training, diet, etc.

and one more thing they put the contestants through was... therapy. yep. both women featured last night had such horrible self esteem that it was really sad to hear them talk about themselves. and it really bothered me to realize that a person's looks (or lack thereof) could affect someone so much. sigh. life isn't fair, huh?

in the end, one of the girls was like, "i'm so happy that i went through this. it just shows you to never give up hope and someday, your dreams will be achieved." ??? what dreams? to be "found" on a bizarre reality tv show and given tens of thousands of free treatment and cosmetic surgery?

egads.

blip

so i'm IM'ing eric right now, and we're talking about how much work it is to maintain friendships. like, going out and calling them, meeting up with them, especially if these people aren't prone to be initiators themselves in social contact.

so i'm thinking... maybe this is a big reason why people form couples. because that gives you *one* person to hang out with... by default. and that puts a big dent in the loneliness/boredom we can feel.

hm?

lots o' food

it's easier to revise than to create. at least, with code, that's how it is. i'm in the preliminary stages of testing, and though i've found some bugs, it's not as stress-inducing as trying to come up with the code itself, as i have been doing these last few weeks.

last night, i totally pigged out. it hurt. i only had a cup o' noodles for lunch, so by the time i got my massage, it was 7:30, and i was starving. so i went to this mr. chau's wannabe (mr. chau's is a bay area establishment that serves really cheap, nasty, greasy chinese food) and got several pounds of food. man, it was good. but i felt like i was about to explode afterwards.

it reminds me of _seven_, when that first victim (gluttony) was forced to eat until he died. is that possible? how could you not keep throwing up? at least i would.

i would make a damn good bulimic. anorexia, i'm not so good at because i love to eat too much. depriving myself of food (which i have been doing sometimes lately) is just not fun... those hunger pangs that inevitably come are maddening. i mean, hunger equals eating food! how can you not obey such a primal urge?

ok. gotta close my browser and restart. i'm running low on virtual memory, so my computer says.

silverware

"spoon position"

as far as cuddling goes, spooning is good. not great, but good. i think the knock on spooning is that you can't kiss since you're not face to face. but it does feel good, to be nestled head to toe with the one you love.

and the bonus to spooning is, if the guy is behind, and he's hard, then the girl can just pop him right in! although, i have to say, that spooning as a sex position is just difficult... there's too much friction with the sheets.

i can't, however, fall asleep while spooning. ever. i need my space in bed while i'm sleeping, and spooning requires that my right arm (since i always sleep on the right side of the bed) be underneath the girl's neck. and that's not very comfortable.

it's a shame, though, that i can't fall asleep spooning the girl and being *inside* her. that seems poignantly close for some reason, like the two of you are truly "connected" while you sleep.

wednesday randoms

hm. i am afraid that john stevens might get voted off tonight. the other person that did pretty badly was camile. fyi, last night's theme was "elton john songs," and what i realized is that his songs can be pretty hard to sing. the two songs that just didn't sound right to me were "goodbye yellow brick road" and "don't let the sun go down on me." *ponder*

so yeah, i got my massage yesterday. it felt fucking good. i wonder if i'm touch-starved. but anyways, i didn't even feel the urge to tic during the 30 minutes, which is an amazing testament to how relaxed i was. but dammit, once i got up, *tic*. so annoying. and painful too!

recently, i had a girl take me to the bathroom while i was on the phone with her. very cool and ballsy on her part. i heard the peeing/splashing sound coming through, and i was reminded that i haven't witnessed a girl pee in front of me in a very long time.

which brings me to the question... do you guys pee in the shower? that's the place where i learned the remarkable fact that women can start and stop their pee streams on demand. who knew!

i weighed 183.8 this morning. wow!

this morning i had a dream that i was just hanging out with my friends in a hotel. and you know me, i love hanging out. which explains why i had such a hard time leaving that dream this morning and getting out of bed.

just got out of a two hour lunch meeting. i hate lunch meetings. my only long fun break of the workday is taking lunch, but one of my coworkers scheduled a meeting that went from noon to 2pm. and what did we have to eat? tasteless, boring subway sandwiches. blick. (yes, i know i shouldn't complain about free food.)

sebaceous glands!

too bad (or good, depending on how you see it) they never made generra hypercolor underwear. can you imagine that? you'd get to see nipple and labia and schlong imprints everywhere! hehe. hot pink cameltoe shadow, anyone? :)

yes, i'm still imagining the gellar nipple in my head. and i still can't wrap my head fully around why it's so exciting. i think the taboo factor has a big reason to do with it, i.e. i'm thinking about why real-life stripper boobs don't excite me much.

i wonder what the _american idol_ theme is for tonight. they've already done soul, country and motown. what else is there? industrial? hehe.

woah. i just picked out a HUGE piece of wax from my right earhole. last night, that particular hole was bothering me; it felt like i was underwater and stuff, and when i shook my head, i could feel something moving around in there. so i banged my head on my pillow half a dozen times, and it must have loosened up.

have you smelled earwax? it's sort of neat. kind of dusty, kind of familiar, but i can't put my finger on it. still, i like it. however, i do draw the line somewhere; i have never eaten my earwax. don't tempt me!

hold on. let me take a picture of it. there you go. looks like a turd, huh?

man. all those years of buildup, and this is the payoff. i'm sort of sad, although i think my hearing is better now. can you imagine that chunk of stuff blocking my eardrum? woo-hoo!

nipplage!

so i was surfing my friend paul's livejournal site, and there was a link to a sarah michelle gellar nipple shot. (NOT safe for work)

i don't know why that excites me so.

i mean, it's just a boob and a nipple, right? i see plenty of these in porn videos! so what's the big deal here?

i think it's because 1) she's famous and 2) it wasn't supposed to happen. and i'll even throw in 3) she's got a nice breasts (i.e. i'd love to chew on those for a while). which don't seem like truly remarkable reasons why i'm titillated (hee!) by the picture, but hey...

god, i love boobs. i mean, if they had showed her exposed vagina lips, i wouldn't have been all that enthused. but boobs? holy shit! *slurp*

tuesday randoms

so sigh. march madness is over. it's one of my favorite sports events, aside from the entire football season. congrats to uconn for pulling it out, just like they were predicted to do when they opened the year ranked #1 in the pre-season polls. the women play in about half an hour, and it'll be amazing if one school gets both the men's and women's titles.

i got a comment today from a coworker that i've lost a lot of weight. i think that's a good thing, right? i'm still amazed that i shot from 140 to 170 in a few months back in 2000, and then went from 170 to 200+ later on. and now i've dropped almost 20 pounds! *huzzah* i hope i can wear my taupe dkny pants soon, although it'll still be awhile before i can fit into my tight gay t-shirts.

alan wants to have another party. i am willing as well, although i have a problem that i cannot produce a single single girl. yet, i can name a large handful of single guys. and what fun is a party without a potential hookup?

yep. i just don't have the connections. sigh.

i've always known that the best for me (socially) to do is to move to the city. but man, every time i go there, i wind up hating the place. sure, it's an interesting venue, but it's ugly, parking sucks, etc. but man, there are definitely lots more interesting people there than here in the peninsula/south bay.

yeah, i should have gone to that sf speed dating round.

i'm so looking forward to my massage. two more hours!

en fuego!

wow. basketball was unreal today. in the second game, i started to get open, and i kept knocking down shots, like 17-footers from way behind the elbow and shit. it felt really good.

my hair is a fro. it looks horrible! i washed my hair and went straight to bed last night, and when i woke up, i had to deal with the consequences. yep. super-afro!

AND. i scheduled a massage today at the acupuncture place. i'm due for one. and hopefully i'll feel better afterwards. they're gonna need to KNEAD me hard!

not much going on today. my roommates are staying over at the other place tonight, so i'll have the place to myself. maybe then, i can get a good naked weighing and see how much poundage i've got (although i generally weigh myself in the mornings).

my tic medicine isn't working, which is a bummer. maybe i've been so long on abilify that it's no longer effective. maybe it's time to switch meds? *shrug*

anyways...

stuff and pull-ups

i couldn't weigh myself in the morning, so i don't have a diet update for you guys. after i got up (still naked), i checked alan's door, and it was closed. i thought somebody might still have been, there, so just put on my clothes without weighing myself on his scale.

i know, i haven't taken a picture in a while. i've been meaning to take my camera with me when i go out on weekends, but i just haven't been in the mood. nobody wants close-up shots of food, which is most often the reason why i leave the house.

oh! so i was talking to adam about doing pull-ups. he can apparently do 15 in a row, which i think is pretty good. i told him that i bet i couldn't even do one. (if you've seen me, you know that i have pretty skinny arms, and i couldn't imagine them lifting up a 185 pound body from a dead stop.)

so, saturday, i walked around the townhouse complex, and i spotted a pull-up bar near the pool. so i got up there, and i did TWO pull-ups. yup. two. which is pretty fucking pathetic, but still, it's better than the ZERO i thought i would do.

and i think i injured myself. :/

ha!

anyways, so that's one datapoint for you. dardy = weak arms and lats.

so my dad is coercing my brother to go to berkeley over ucla. i think that's kind of bad and disappointing. i mean, when i was choosing colleges, they made a push for the west coast, but in the end, they let me choose. and i really appreciate that. it's just a shame that they're not doing the same for my brother. sigh. i really hope he doesn't grow to resent our dad because of this.

monday randoms

my chiropractor's appointment (a monthly affair) was largely a bust. i like it when he grips my head and rips it until something pops. yes, it's sort of a scary experience, but i usually feel better for some reason after that. today, he just did a vertebrae or two on my back, and used this "activator" thingie on my neck instead of the "grip and rip."

i really need a massage, though. maybe i'll get one this week to celebrate my coding complete.

congrats on my friend for quitting his job of 8 years and getting a new (and VERY well-paying) job! i've been thinking about going back to doing video chips, but i have never been bold enough to actually change fields, especially when that might involve forsaking my semi-cush salary and going back to school.

well, my salary ain't THAT cush, as i realize. i could be making more, but i think i'm just comfortable here at gfn. if he gets his bonuses, my friend will be making almost double what i do right now. and that makes me very envious. *RAAR*

let's see... i'm sort of puzzled why i can't get drunk anymore. i mean, when i drink a lot of alcohol (as i did on saturday), i just get a little stuffy-headed and stuff. but i didn't get happy.

and why did i drink so much? i wanted to test my "alcohol vs. tics" theory. and what i found out was that i *do* tic less when i have a lot of alcohol in my system. hey, at least i know one other thing i can do do lessen my tourette's, although i doubt that i'll be drinking heavily just to avoid the symptoms.

it was tough getting out of bed this morning due to daylight savings. especially since it was cold in my room, so the blankets and pillow felt all nice and chilly on my cheek.

coding mostly done!

yup. my dearth of blogging today means: i've been coding for the whole afternoon.

now, it's sort of like i've written the worst essay in the world... run-on sentences everywhere, horrible grammar, not a single coherent thought. but at least, i can say that i'm done. now it's just time to verify and correct the code.

anyways, it feels good.

and on top of that, i actually scored a few goals in foosball just now.

ok, more later in another post.

hangover

friday night, i hung out with adam and rae at lucy's tea house. had a quaint taiwanese pork dinner and just chatted.

saturday, i watched part of the final four games. wow. i had no idea georgia tech would make it to the finals. i took a nap just in time to see their final shot go in, and somewhere in there i went to safeway to pick up an apple fritter, among other things. i was craving going for a drive, now that i have new tires.

at night, we headed up to the city for (mediocre) italian food at steps of rome trattoria. and then we hit the velvet lounge, where we witnessed a bunch of middle aged people convulse on the dance floor. throughout the course of the night, i had half a bottle of wine, two stiff grey goose and tonics, and a kamikaze shot. i was feeling a bit stuffy-headed, but not drunk or buzzed much.

but i did feel quite sick. when i got home, i induced pukage to get the alcohol out of my system, but at 5am (really 6am, adjusted time), i woke up and just felt nasty.

i had a bit of a hangover on sunday, but that was ok because i didn't do much. i woke up at 2pm, fell asleep on the couch again, and watched parts of the lakers/spurs and tennessee/lsu basketball games. go uconn! they can win the men's AND women's championships! that'll be quite a feat.

for dinner, i met up with the bowling gang at krung thai, my favorite thai restaurant. then, we hit the qcup in cupertino, where i had a big sweet crepe and bumped into peter, shannon, and yuji. what a small world.

all in all, a good weekend, despite many many tics. now, i just gotta focus on working hard this week so i can finish my coding. cheer for me! *huzzah*

friday randoms

i haven't been listening to enough music these days. i can tell, because when i do listen to something, i get happier. and i definitely notice the change in mood.

almost 5pm, and i am itching to get out of here. another week gone by! this week wasn't as productive as last week, but i do need to finish my coding by mid-next week. and i'm going to hold myself to that. it'll be hard, though. i have to do some cellification! (ick)

coding up blocks isn't so hard when you don't have to deal with error cases. truncated packets, too-short packets, ECC and parity errors... all of that just means that things get a lot harder to deal with.

life is kind of like that, too. if crazy shit never happened, life would be easy. but instead, you have mental disorders, crazy illnesses, tumultous relationships, and a whole slew of other stuff that greatly complicates things. sigh.

hm. i'm noticing that i'm ticcing less while listening to music. perhaps i should bring my iPod to work then? *ponder*

there's another speed dating event happening at the end of april in palo alto, at f&a's. the only reason why i'm sort of curious about it is because it's close by. the age range for this one is 25-35, and i'm wondering is that's a little too old for me. hm. we'll see. i need to get out there and meet more people! anyone want to go with me? :)

i have a feeling that my brother is going to go to cal. which means i'll probably rarely visit him. i mean, it's not the distance that's the problem, it's the fact that my car has stanford license plates and stickers, and i'm afraid it'll get trashed up there. *RAAR* why do cal students hate stanford so much? i don't understand.

i need to smoke less. i think once i get my project done, and i get through my current state of ticciness, i'm going to start cutting down wholeheartedly. in this week's episode of _the OC_, the cohen grandma announced that she had lung cancer from smoking. it made me sad.

post lunch

maybe i'm not a meat and potatoes kind of guy anymore. we had a 2-hour lunch at this german place (hardy's bavaria in sunnyvale); i got the pork chops, with two potato pancakes topped with applesauce, and a large dollop of sauerkraut. and as much as i *think* i like sauerkraut, it's always a little disgusting after having a few forkfuls of the stuff.

i feel sick. and sleepy.

but man, my (non-vegetarian) coworkers LOVE meat. half of them got this smoked pork leg, which looked like a humungous drumstick. i got it last time; it was too "hammy" for me. but yeah. it comes complete with a knife stuck in it on top, ready for hacking away at the pork shank.

waiting for lunch

are male ladybugs also red with black dots?

i barely ate yesterday. just didn't feel like it. my meals consisted of a cup o' noodles and a bowl of cereal. i dropped to 184.2, though. man. this kind of starvation diet just can't be healthy for me.

not much planned for this weekend. i'll probably watch some of the final four, and i'm most interested in the uconn/duke game. i am tempted to go up to the city to visit hr girl, but we'll see if i feel up to driving that far.

i mainly just want to sleep. most of my conscious time is spent fighting my tics, and when i inevitably lose, i tic hard. it really bugs me.

i was surprised at _the apprentice_ last night, when troy brought his buddy kwame into the board room. (in the board room, one of the two is guaranteed to be fired.) i guess i can see how two friends can be competitive, but knowing that one of you is going to be canned? that seems kind of odd to me. too bad troy got fired... i liked him.

i remember this drama i watched about the last days of pompei, and two gladiators who were best friends had to fight each other to the death. i thought that was a horrible thing to do to your buddy, you know, KILL him. and last night's episode reminded me of the same situation.

i dread waking up in the mornings now. like today, i had to get up at 9:15, and once it hit 8:20 or so, i kept waking up every 20 minutes or so, checking the time so i knew how much sleep i had left. it's like a countdown where i'm not looking forward to when the clock hits 0.

that bagel i had this morning barely put a dent in my hunger. i'm looking forward to lunch.

reaching out

i think that i crave empathy, yet it's hard for me to be empathetic to others.

so those of you who are feeling down lately (there are several of you), i hope better times find you soon. the thing about having gone through depressive and breakdown spells myself is that i know that they're always temporary. i know they may not seem fleeting at all (and in fact they may seem like a permanent cloud), but they won't last forever. and that keeps me going. and it hope it keeps you going, too.

and to those of you who are going to leave the area soon (there are several of you), i'm going to miss you! sigh. but i suppose you gotta do what you gotta do, and things like a new job or business school are things that fall in that category. let's hang out soon before you leave!

thursday randoms

dude. i just logged on friendster for the first time in months. what happened to it? how come my gallery (which used to be 2000+ people) is now 96? *RAAR* AND it's buggy still!

hrmph. anyways, basketball was good today, even though my team only had 4 people (vs 5 on the other). i made some long jumpers, some floaters, a fast break cherry-picking layup, etc. it's good when i'm actually productive in scoring points.

is this weekend daylight savings? spring forward, you know? i'm not looking forward to losing an hour of my sleep!

so i was talking to a friend recently who was complaining about birth control pills fucking her up. she was like, "birth control pills are mainly for the guy." so what does that mean? do women actually not mind condoms? in my experience, sex has been better without one, because condoms tend to dry up and chafe the girl. what do you think?

it's been a while since i've popped a boner just thinking about things.

my boss sent out this emergency e-mail today. it showed a new specification that we forgot to implement. whoops. APRIL FOOL'S! ha! apparently, i was the only one who was duped. *embarrassed*

anybody else got some good april fool's pranks?

academic/athletic

so farewell to pink-haired girl (amy adams)! she was one of my early favorites on the _american idol_ auditions, but i guess she just didn't pull in enough of the 20 million votes cast for tuesday night's show. i was surprised that latoya was one of the bottom three, though. but whatever. the show is kind of getting tedious, and they should just give the title away to john stevens already. ha!

so can high-quality athletics and high-quality academics co-exist? i think stanford is a good example, being a good educational institution and consistently winning the sears cup year in and year out.

but does it hold true for all sports?

the reason why i'm asking is because of this statement made about notre dame football by some dude. basically, he said something like, "to be good at football again, notre dame needs to lower its academic requirements to lure 'the black athlete.'"

wow! controversy!

i mean, basically, he's saying that black athletes are the best, but they're dumb, so the university needs to relax its academic standards. hm. i dunno. the guy is getting a lot of shit for his statements, and rightfully so.

but i sort of see his point. not on the race issue, though, but on the fact that maybe most of the best football players (black or white or samoan or whatever) don't put much emphasis on education because they think they'll go to the nfl or something. so how do you recruit these players if you require them to have a modicum of academic prowess?

*shrug*

which brings me back to the question... can high quality academics and athletics coexist?