i've been thinking for some time now about starting a secret blog. you know, one where i can truly say anything that i want without holding back.
but then, without any readership, what would be the point? ah! and that shows me that it's not the writing that matters... it's the readers that matter! i guess i just want to be heard, that's all.
lately, i've been thinking... love is blind. fucking BLIND.
i mean, when i was with various ex's, i never cared that much that they were basketcases, vain, bitchy, etc. all of those negative qualities were just swept under the rug, under the guise of "i love who she is, the good and the bad."
but now, looking back, i don't know if i would "objectively" approve of them if i wasn't, um, in love with them. if i wasn't getting any. if i hadn't made the commitment to be with them.
but the deeper issue here, i think is that love makes you insulated (is that a good thing?) from all the faults of the partner. whether or not you realize that those faults is an issue to be debated; i have sometimes seen evidence of a person not noticing, and i have seen evidence of a person not caring. so that is moot.
but anyways... maybe i'm ranting about it now, but maybe there's a good thing about being blind. why? because we all have faults, and if everyone were totally objective 100% of the time (even in relationships), then we'd all be alone. nobody would want us. because of our faults.
(of course, some faults are bigger than others. take tourette's. i think being genetically defective is quite a big problem for me. sigh.)
but yeah, whether it's a boon or a bane, love is blind.
sorry for the flip-flopping news, but my dad just informed me that he sat down with my brother and told him he could go to UCLA, as long as he transfers majors from chemistry to chemE. i think it's the best decision, and i hope things turn out well for my bro.
such complications, huh? kind of a pain in the ass. i am very grateful that when it came time for me to go to college, my parents expressed their wish but gave me the ultimate power of choosing.
i was telling cindy yesterday that i think i'm a very shallow person at times. like when it comes to women, i am so picky that sometimes my friends would probably like to throw something at me. *shrug* i dunno how i came to be that way, but shit, if i'm not attracted to a girl, i won't go out with her. that might not sound very controversial, but it becomes that way when you realize how picky i am.
and when it comes to finding someone to marry (i know, i'm getting ahead of myself here :) i need a face that i can stare at for indefinite periods of time. and THAT is tough to fine. and that's why k4 was such a big deal for me; because i had previously thought that what i was looking for (looks-wise) was nearly impossible, but after meeting her, i knew that it was within grasp.
but yes. enough of k4. i haven't seen her since she left for asia, like 6-7 months ago. sigh. what the fuck happened there...
i think my worst fault, though, is that i get bored of people easily. and that adds on to the problem that every couple may face eventually down the road: running out of things to say. i think that wall crops up in my relationships a lot earlier than most people. and looking back, it seems like sex has always been one of the things that ruins things.
why is that, you might ask? my theory on it is that once sex is available on the table, it becomes the #1 thing to do. and that displaces the old #1 thing to do before sexual activity, which is intimacy and talking. and thus the old #1 disappears. *shrug* it's a problem i have to fix.
i have a bad feeling tonight about _AI_. it might be john stevens' time to go. like simon said, john stevens and latin music (the theme was gloria estefan songs) was like chocolate and an onion. ick. he did horribly, although i think most of the contestants struggled too.
the weather is getting better here. i didn't have as much trouble falling asleep last night, which is good. but damn, getting out of bed is hard as it's ever been. which bodes badly for tomorrow, because i have a psych appointment at 9:40. ouch!
um, yeah. i need some med relief. these days, sleep/lying down is the only thing i can do to keep from ticcing for long periods of time. cigarettes help, but only for the duration while i'm smoking them. sigh. life sucks.
now if only i could do work while lying down. like, construct this reclining setup where i have a keyboard tray up in the air and a monitor directly above me. heh
so _scrubs_ is probably my favorite show. last night, j.d. told elliot (the girl) that he didn't love her. but they're best friends. and that's one thing that i don't quite understand; i mean, if i had a female best friend, i think i'd invariably fall in love with her.
wouldn't that be cool? to have a best friend and be able to have sex with her? that's like having everything at once!
oh, and in the show, carla's brother was wearing this ben sherman shirt that i've been thinking of buying. heh! scrubs is hip!
oh, and my dad told me last night, "i haven't read your blog in a long time, and i'm not going to read it. so that should put less anxiety on you." thank goodness.
so the college saga continues for my poor brother. they were all set on him going to ucla (seeing as nobody like berkeley), but then, it turned out that he misprinted his major; instead of chemical engineering, he put CHEMISTRY instead.
so my parents were upset about that, and don't want him to major in chem. so the options were
1) go to cal for a year and transfer to UCLA
2) change majors at UCLA
i mean, you'd THINK that #2 would be better, right? i mean, who wants to transfer schools? but that's what my parents decided, much to the dismay of me and my brother. *RAAR* i called them up last night, and there was a big hubbub (apparently i was on speakerphone), with my dad defending his decision and my brother complaining about it in the background.
sigh. poor brother.