i was so tempted to smoke at my place this week, while alan and ting were gone. i even have a stanford ashtray!
i love smoking indoors. but i don't know why. i guess it just feels like... "home" is the best word i can come up with, although that's not exactly the right one. it's like, you're comfortable lounging around at home, and sometimes a cigarette feels like just the thing to have. and you don't have to go outside, and instead enjoy the smoke relaxing at your own place.
my favorite cigarette moment was when i was in japan back in 2001. i got a hotel room all to myself, and when it came time to retire, i stripped down naked, and had a cigarette in bed. ah, sheer bliss.
wednesday night, i had a moment of supreme clarity. i was talking to carol on the phone, and i was talking about this girl that i semi-fancied, and all of a sudden...
...i forgot why i liked her.
have you ever experienced that? like, suddenly, all these feelings and emotions just VANISH. and you're left there, thinking, "what happened? what did i see in her?"
what's worse, i've these moments before while i was going out with someone. although, it's been so long that i've forgotten when (in the day) they usually happen. but it's like i suddenly stop loving them for a while. and sometimes it lasts for days or weeks.
scary.
it makes me wonder if any affection of mine that i might have for a girl is *sustainable*. and if it's not, then that's VERY BAD NEWS.
aside from the tic problem, this week has been really good. and it's sort of weird that i say that, because you'd think in my TS-negatively-influenced mind, i wouldn't be able to objectively tell if a week was good or not.
so alan and ting come back tomorrow (don't know when, though), so i'll have roommates again. i'm not partiicularly excited either way; it's just that i proved to myself this week that if i lived alone, i'd be fine.
so my early packet drop testing is good... i can't test it fully (it's nearly impossible to exactly model an early termination of a packet and a restart later on), so part of it is just "proving the concept" that it works. woot!
man, my shoulder fucking hurts. i'm tempted to get a massage, but 1) it wouldn't help *that* much and 2) i'd rather save my $40.
and to clarify, i didn't mind being "interviewed" yesterday by S. it actually felt fun, like i was a celebrity or something. :) it just sometimes scares me, because i am paranoid of divulging too much to the masses.
so i bought a pepperoni pizza by red baron or something, and it's sitting in my freezer. i checked the ingredients, and the pepperoni has beef in it. what to do? i also have a beef (from canadian cows, no les!) lasagna in the freezer, and i am thinking i'll toss them both. *sigh* what a waste!
my mom called me an hour ago. she gets really worried when i tell her i am stressed and that my TS is bothering me. i can't blame her, though; she saw me in my nervous breakdown state about 6 years ago. i was at the point where i couldn't work, eat, or be normal. she broke down crying in the parking lot. poor mom.
anyways, i just hope things get better for me soon. i think after stanford plays its final regular season game tomorrow, i'll have a load off my shoulders (literally).
ok, more later.
it was interesting meeting S last night at the pub. i know him superficially in real life, but he is better known to me as a guy who checks my blog several times a day.
he asked me a few questions, like "is your roommate alan the alan XXX from stanford?" and "who is k3?" and "so is k4 out of the picture now?"
it was funny. i sort of felt like i was being interviewed. it just goes to show that as much as i reveal my life on this blog, i don't divulge everything. i learned a while back never to use last names in my blog, because i don't always write the most flattering statements about them. some people (like eric and adam) can use last names, but i can't. i would probably get sued or something. i've already lost friends with what i've written.
but of course, it was my fault to begin with. so what can i say? i've been stupid and brash in my writing and sharing.
if i could go back, and could start the blog over, i would use a pseudonym. it sort of freaks me out that anybody who googles "dardy" will come here. ick. i mean, it's sort of cool that i am tied to this blog directly, but still, it has caused problems in the past.
i am bad need of a "mental reset." doing this usually involves me sequestering myself at home for an entire weekend, not seeing anyone or doing anything. my brain is so weird right now that i am on the verge of going home and taking a nap.
yeah, the tics are bad. i can tell because i spend most of my time in the cube sitting there, with one hand on my head to keep me from ticcing. *RAAR*
the problem is, i have some stuff to do this weekend. i have a birthday party tonight up in the city, for one. the worst thing is, when my tics control me, i am not very social at all, which begs the question as to why i'm voluntarily entering myself in a social situation in the first place. hm.
second, i've got the stanford game tomorrow afternoon with yuji. we're probably going to watch it at spoons, and hopefully it won't be as stressful as last night's game was. i swear, this unbeaten streak is causing me a lot of anxiety. which is sort of sad, i mean, why should i let some random team's wellbeing affect my own? *RAAR*
i am smoking so much now. when my TS is bad, smoking is the one and only thing i can do to calm me down for short intervals at a time. (the other thing i can do is sleep, but i can't very well be taking naps everywhere, can i?)
anyways...
i am just afraid. afraid of having another nervous breakdown. if things keep spiralling down like they have been, it might be inevitable. *knock on wood*
man. every time i think about the game last night, i laugh to myself out loud. *phew*
so yeah, i met up with yuji and S at the irish pub on castro last night to watch the game. yuj was decked out in a stanford jacket and josh childress's #1 jersey, and i wore my stanford hoops long-sleeve t.
the game was brutal. watching the last minute and being 99% sure that we were going to lose was just... painful. i was ticcing, fidgety, and completely overwrought with anxiety.
and then... we won. lottich's corkscrew desperation three-pointer went in with a beautiful swish. i didn't believe it would go in when he hoisted it up, so i was ready to get up and storm out of the pub. but then, the place erupted, and it took about two seconds for me to realize what happened. and then, i jumped up and screamed and pumped my fists in the air.
man!
anyways, in other news, i went home and had a few celebratory phone calls to some friends (peter and kara). and then, i checked out the tape of nbc's thursday lineup that i had the vcr record. apparently, they're doing a "top 5 episodes" of _friends_, and last night's episode was (i think) chandler's proposal to monica. ick. i hate monica. i hope the top episode is the one where ross and rachel first get together. rachel was beautiful back then.
and i also watched the boardroom sequence of _the apprentice_. omarosa is finally gone! there's something about her that totally makes me want to wretch. i think it's her ego and the way she talks down to everybody. *shrug*